Boss or friend?

I have been working in my office for 3+ years. My boss (F38) brought me (F36) over from a different office we worked at together when she decided to start her own business. I have been working there since before the business actually opened. We had also been what I would have considered friends. Our families hung out a lot and we really enjoyed each other's company. Then her sister moved to town and now it's been more than a year since we hung out socially. On top of that, she seems to be making me the office scapegoat. Recently, we lost an employee because of a message that was sent over the system (private) that the employee happened to read. It was basically a message to me from my boss saying that she was glad the employee only had two days left (she was moving). I responded that I didn't understand some action that she had recently performed and the employee was really upset and left. Boss then told everyone that I had written the initial message and not her, causing my staff to stop talking to me. I did eventually sit them down and chat about the issue and it was resolved, however, it has created a sense of insecurity for me.

More details about our relationship- I have a son with a disability. This occasionally causes me to be out of the office for short periods of time. My work is always done and I often work from home, even if I have not been out of the office, but she will occasionally make comments about it. She has a huge support system and spends no money on childcare, whereas I have no family or support system and spend half of my salary on childcare every year. She does not understand that I cannot simply call someone else to deal with my child. If I were unreliable or unable to get my work done I could understand her little comments, but she has given me "unlimited vacation" as a "perk" even though I do not take vacations, ever, because I am not financially in a place to do that.

Another sticking point is that she does not really recognize the job that I do. She always wants to categorize my job as something a few steps below what it actually is. This keeps my compensation well below industry standard for my position. I would have gone along with that willingly, however, last year she started talking about having her spouse come on board to do one of my three jobs. I questioned this in a terse conversation because he has no experience in the field, he would be moving from a much higher paying job than I have to do 1/3 of my job and I know she wasn't going to lose that income, which means he was going to make more money than me as an entry level employee while I train him, so I was pretty upset about that. She didn't really tell me if that was still her plan or not.

Here are my questions/concerns:

1. The scapegoat issue. This is not the first time she has let me take the fall when there was a staff issue to be dealt with.
2. The social aspect. It doesn't seem like we're friends anymore, but there are still the expectations that I will work as hard for her as I did when we were friends.
3. Taking me for granted. There has been a habit of her not acknowledging my accomplishments in the office and requiring me to devote myself to the business as if I were part owner. She has even said that she considers me part owner, but I am not.
4. I am thinking it's time for a new job, but I feel major guilt about leaving her because I know that her business will suffer greatly without me. I came into the business in a different position, but have molded myself to fill the gaps that the business had when there was a need. As a result, I can do every job but hers, but no one in the office currently can fill my position. I am the go to for every issue.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. I guess I need a point of view outside of my own that I'm correct in thinking it's time to move on or that I should stay. There are some perks to the job but if I were compensated at industry standard I wouldn't have to take advantage of those perks.

tl;dr Boss who was once friend treats me as employee but requires me to work as hard as I did as a friend and uses me as the office scapegoat when there are staff issues.

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Give me your thoughts! Thanks!

Submitted August 04, 2019 at 12:16AM

I have been working in my office for 3+ years. My boss (F38) brought me (F36) over from a different office we worked at together when she decided to start her own business. I have been working there since before the business actually opened. We had also been what I would have considered friends. Our families hung out a lot and we really enjoyed each other's company. Then her sister moved to town and now it's been more than a year since we hung out socially. On top of that, she seems to be making me the office scapegoat. Recently, we lost an employee because of a message that was sent over the system (private) that the employee happened to read. It was basically a message to me from my boss saying that she was glad the employee only had two days left (she was moving). I responded that I didn't understand some action that she had recently performed and the employee was really upset and left. Boss then told everyone that I had written the initial message and not her, causing my staff to stop talking to me. I did eventually sit them down and chat about the issue and it was resolved, however, it has created a sense of insecurity for me.More details about our relationship- I have a son with a disability. This occasionally causes me to be out of the office for short periods of time. My work is always done and I often work from home, even if I have not been out of the office, but she will occasionally make comments about it. She has a huge support system and spends no money on childcare, whereas I have no family or support system and spend half of my salary on childcare every year. She does not understand that I cannot simply call someone else to deal with my child. If I were unreliable or unable to get my work done I could understand her little comments, but she has given me "unlimited vacation" as a "perk" even though I do not take vacations, ever, because I am not financially in a place to do that.Another sticking point is that she does not really recognize the job that I do. She always wants to categorize my job as something a few steps below what it actually is. This keeps my compensation well below industry standard for my position. I would have gone along with that willingly, however, last year she started talking about having her spouse come on board to do one of my three jobs. I questioned this in a terse conversation because he has no experience in the field, he would be moving from a much higher paying job than I have to do 1/3 of my job and I know she wasn't going to lose that income, which means he was going to make more money than me as an entry level employee while I train him, so I was pretty upset about that. She didn't really tell me if that was still her plan or not.Here are my questions/concerns:The scapegoat issue. This is not the first time she has let me take the fall when there was a staff issue to be dealt with.The social aspect. It doesn't seem like we're friends anymore, but there are still the expectations that I will work as hard for her as I did when we were friends.Taking me for granted. There has been a habit of her not acknowledging my accomplishments in the office and requiring me to devote myself to the business as if I were part owner. She has even said that she considers me part owner, but I am not.I am thinking it's time for a new job, but I feel major guilt about leaving her because I know that her business will suffer greatly without me. I came into the business in a different position, but have molded myself to fill the gaps that the business had when there was a need. As a result, I can do every job but hers, but no one in the office currently can fill my position. I am the go to for every issue.I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. I guess I need a point of view outside of my own that I'm correct in thinking it's time to move on or that I should stay. There are some perks to the job but if I were compensated at industry standard I wouldn't have to take advantage of those perks.tl;dr Boss who was once friend treats me as employee but requires me to work as hard as I did as a friend and uses me as the office scapegoat when there are staff issues.​Give me your thoughts! Thanks!