I'm at a loss for what to do, my (f20) boyfriend (m27) doesn't care about me.

We are coming up on a year, and I love him so much. The possibility of him being the one I marry someday is in the front of my mind a majority of the time that I'm with him. He's wonderful. We always spend quality time together and do lots of fun things, we share interests and have the same values and wants in life, the intimate side of our relationship is wonderful also.

BUT.

When we are having a problem, it's bad. He has this thing where if he's doing something wrong and I try to discuss it with him, he just says "okay". He doesn't care if it affects me, if I say it made me sad, he says "I understand that" and when I say, directly, "do you care?" he says, completely unaffected, "nope". I don't understand? When he's upset I run to him to help him. I'm there for him all the time. And when I'm sad about something that has nothing to do with him, he comforts me and tries to make me feel better. But when it's his fault that I'm upset, it's like he just refuses to care at all in any way. He will just disconnect til I let it go. He does. Not. Care. And it kills me because I could be sobbing over something he's said to me and he could stare at me blankly.

The first time he showed this was in the very beginning. My parents wanted to have him over, so did I of course, and he said "we'll see" which I know now, after a few more times, is his way of getting out of something and then I can't be upset later because "I never said yes". I waited and waited for him, finally asking him again and he said he'd rather go drink. He doesn't drink often, maybe once or twice a week, sometimes not at all. I was very upset that he said this, as he built it up before like he might go, and I hadn't understood that "we'll see" was his escape route. I told him how upset I was, I asked him if he cared, and he said no. He didn't show, stopped responding to my texts. Didn't text me all day the next day. Things sorted themselves out after I tried to discuss it with him, he argued it like he's not the a-hole in the situation and I'm not good with arguing so I just pretended it never happened.

The second time was over a stupid lie, and maybe I shouldn't have said anything, But I hate being lied to. He said he tried food that I made him and I found out later that he didn't. Dumb reason to be upset but also a dumb reason to lie, so I told him I knew that he lied to me and that I was very upset about it. He said "I think I understand that you're upset" and I said "I think I understand that you don't care that I am or why I am". He said, "you're right". He later apologized for lying but I was still pretty angry and held onto the fact that once again, he outright told me that he didn't care.

The most recent ordeal, starting last night and continuing into today, I invite him to dinner with my family. He said "we'll see". I know what that means, and say something along the lines of "I really want you to go", to see if his decision changes when its me rather than my parents. He says "I gave you my answer". This basically lights a fire inside me because I am so fed up with not feeling cared about, and him not doing anything ONLY for me for once. I go to his parents house almost every month. I help with yard work, I talk to his family, we are starting to finally get to know each other. This dinner invite is for HIS birthday. My parents wanted to take him to celebrate and buy us both dinner. It was mostly me trying to get him to understand why I feel the way I do, and you know, when I do that he shuts down. He disconnects and stops caring completely. He says he doesn't want to argue, but really I'd rather him tear into me than get nothing because I never know how he feels. But he doesn't want to argue. He said he liked me before he went to bed. Has told me he does love me but doesn't like saying the word, which also feels pretty awful.

This morning I text him and he says something about the basketball team he likes. I say "Oh, okay". He just says "yeah" so I ask him if he wants to be left alone and he said "do what you wanna do". I ask him what's wrong and he says "yeah I wanna be left alone" I say "can you tell me why?" he says "like I've said before, I value my alone time." I get kind of upset and just say "got it. You can just call me when you want anything, I won't be texting you til you tell me you want me to. See you probably on Wednesday. Bye." he just says bye.

I'm not sure what to do. I love him so much but he is just so cold when he wants to be. It drives me crazy and if he can't stop it I'll have to leave, but would be so heartbroken if I had to. My past relationships have been full of lies and all sorts of abuse. I can't deal with being treated like nothing I say matters. I'm still building myself back up from that. Anyone have some words of wisdom for me other than "dump him" because I've already taken that into consideration. I want things to work with this guy. I will completely exhaust all my abilities before leaving him, no matter how stupid that may be.

TL;DR: my boyfriend only cares about my feelings when I'm completely happy with him, becomes cold and uncaring when I am upset because of something he does or says. It puts a lot of strain on our relationship and all of our issues go unsolved. I'm at a loss and very scared of what the future entails.

Submitted July 07, 2019 at 12:06AM

We are coming up on a year, and I love him so much. The possibility of him being the one I marry someday is in the front of my mind a majority of the time that I'm with him. He's wonderful. We always spend quality time together and do lots of fun things, we share interests and have the same values and wants in life, the intimate side of our relationship is wonderful also.BUT.When we are having a problem, it's bad. He has this thing where if he's doing something wrong and I try to discuss it with him, he just says "okay". He doesn't care if it affects me, if I say it made me sad, he says "I understand that" and when I say, directly, "do you care?" he says, completely unaffected, "nope". I don't understand? When he's upset I run to him to help him. I'm there for him all the time. And when I'm sad about something that has nothing to do with him, he comforts me and tries to make me feel better. But when it's his fault that I'm upset, it's like he just refuses to care at all in any way. He will just disconnect til I let it go. He does. Not. Care. And it kills me because I could be sobbing over something he's said to me and he could stare at me blankly.The first time he showed this was in the very beginning. My parents wanted to have him over, so did I of course, and he said "we'll see" which I know now, after a few more times, is his way of getting out of something and then I can't be upset later because "I never said yes". I waited and waited for him, finally asking him again and he said he'd rather go drink. He doesn't drink often, maybe once or twice a week, sometimes not at all. I was very upset that he said this, as he built it up before like he might go, and I hadn't understood that "we'll see" was his escape route. I told him how upset I was, I asked him if he cared, and he said no. He didn't show, stopped responding to my texts. Didn't text me all day the next day. Things sorted themselves out after I tried to discuss it with him, he argued it like he's not the a-hole in the situation and I'm not good with arguing so I just pretended it never happened.The second time was over a stupid lie, and maybe I shouldn't have said anything, But I hate being lied to. He said he tried food that I made him and I found out later that he didn't. Dumb reason to be upset but also a dumb reason to lie, so I told him I knew that he lied to me and that I was very upset about it. He said "I think I understand that you're upset" and I said "I think I understand that you don't care that I am or why I am". He said, "you're right". He later apologized for lying but I was still pretty angry and held onto the fact that once again, he outright told me that he didn't care.The most recent ordeal, starting last night and continuing into today, I invite him to dinner with my family. He said "we'll see". I know what that means, and say something along the lines of "I really want you to go", to see if his decision changes when its me rather than my parents. He says "I gave you my answer". This basically lights a fire inside me because I am so fed up with not feeling cared about, and him not doing anything ONLY for me for once. I go to his parents house almost every month. I help with yard work, I talk to his family, we are starting to finally get to know each other. This dinner invite is for HIS birthday. My parents wanted to take him to celebrate and buy us both dinner. It was mostly me trying to get him to understand why I feel the way I do, and you know, when I do that he shuts down. He disconnects and stops caring completely. He says he doesn't want to argue, but really I'd rather him tear into me than get nothing because I never know how he feels. But he doesn't want to argue. He said he liked me before he went to bed. Has told me he does love me but doesn't like saying the word, which also feels pretty awful.This morning I text him and he says something about the basketball team he likes. I say "Oh, okay". He just says "yeah" so I ask him if he wants to be left alone and he said "do what you wanna do". I ask him what's wrong and he says "yeah I wanna be left alone" I say "can you tell me why?" he says "like I've said before, I value my alone time." I get kind of upset and just say "got it. You can just call me when you want anything, I won't be texting you til you tell me you want me to. See you probably on Wednesday. Bye." he just says bye.I'm not sure what to do. I love him so much but he is just so cold when he wants to be. It drives me crazy and if he can't stop it I'll have to leave, but would be so heartbroken if I had to. My past relationships have been full of lies and all sorts of abuse. I can't deal with being treated like nothing I say matters. I'm still building myself back up from that. Anyone have some words of wisdom for me other than "dump him" because I've already taken that into consideration. I want things to work with this guy. I will completely exhaust all my abilities before leaving him, no matter how stupid that may be.TL;DR: my boyfriend only cares about my feelings when I'm completely happy with him, becomes cold and uncaring when I am upset because of something he does or says. It puts a lot of strain on our relationship and all of our issues go unsolved. I'm at a loss and very scared of what the future entails.