I [26 F] am having trouble setting boundaries with my parents [65M, 55F] without alienating myself from my sister [16 F]

Throaway for safety, might delete later. TL;DR at the end.

Hey there. I normally don't post this kind of stuff, but this is really bothering me and I need neutral opinions.

I'm currently living far away from my family. As I grew up my parents were caring, but very strict. Just to be clear, some of the major stuff they did:

- No concept of privacy. For example, I was never allowed to close my door except when dressing up (and even then my mum would just knock and enter without giving me time to say no); they read my journals, controlled my bagpack when I was a teen everyday when I came back from school; read my chats with friends...you get the picture.

- My mum especially is very controlling of my image. If I said I liked something and she didn't she'd say I have poor taste and buy something she liked for me. I love goth fashion, but because of that I basically got tired and decided to just let her buy whatever she wanted until I moved out and could buy my own clothes without fear of harsh words. If she knew I dress like that, I'd never hear the end of it.

- Refused to let me go on my own to highschool and, later on, to uni, and they insisted on picking me up afterwards. They argued it's safer and more comfy than being in a crowed train. While I appreciated the sentiment, they didn't listen that I sometimes felt like hanging out with friends after class. At least they stopped after a while when I was in uni, but it seriously fucked up my initial relationships with my classmates there. They also controlled the time when I wanted to meet up with friends in the night.

- They just really want to see me studying/doing work. As in, my hobbies had to be academically oriented, if not then it's useless in their eyes. Only exception is if the hobby in question is something they particularly liked. Because of it I basically learned to hide everything I actually liked. If they discovered it, then they would rant about it and do anything possible to block it from me because "it's distracting". Today I still feel guilty whenever I do something enjoyable and I sometimes even have nightmares of them yelling at me for doing something other than study.

​

You can have an idea of how they are. I tried discussing this with them but they argue they just want the best for me. I believe them, even if it's too much, but in order to have a better relationship with them I figured I had to move out asap and I went as far as getting a job and a place to live in another continent (I couldn't move out before because it's very difficult where I come from). Now we talk normally and barely argue compared to before, when we had a fight pretty much everyday.

​

However, the elephant in the room: even now that I'm an adult, living far away, they are trying to police my behavior. I share what I post in social media with my sister, who is living with them. They are repeating the cycle with her so they basically have access to all her accounts and, by extension, they see what I publish. I post some things while keeping others private, but even with my personal filters they pull out this guilt trip whenever they see something they don't like. I posted some alcoholic drink I'm trying at home? It's not appropriate. I paint my nails black? It's indecent...

​

I know I shouldn't care at this point. After all, what are they going to do? Take a plane to come and yell at me? No, but I can't stop feeling like crap about it especially since they use my sister as a reason. Basically I have to maintain a perfect picture in their eyes because I'm supposed to set an example so she can "stay in a good track". I could just create new accounts and block any family members, but I would be alienating my sis and I don't want to lose contact with her. At the same time, if I allow her, my parents will keep policing my behavior, making me feel guilty for stupid reasons. And I shouldn't be so paranoid and anxious with the things I post and with what clothes I'm wearing when they want to videochat with me. I've tried talking with them, but it all ends with "we're your parents and, if we don't tell you the stuff you're doing wrong, no one will because no one cares about you as much as we do".

​

TL;DR: had strict parents when growing up. I moved out. Now they are trying to police my behavior when they see my stuff on social media through my sister's account and they tell me I am setting a bad example to my sis. They have complete control over my sister's activity on the internet so I can't restrict them without restricting her. It's not fair to lower my contact with her and it's also not fair for me to restrict who I am on my personal accounts.

Submitted July 01, 2019 at 11:59PM

Throaway for safety, might delete later. TL;DR at the end.Hey there. I normally don't post this kind of stuff, but this is really bothering me and I need neutral opinions.I'm currently living far away from my family. As I grew up my parents were caring, but very strict. Just to be clear, some of the major stuff they did:- No concept of privacy. For example, I was never allowed to close my door except when dressing up (and even then my mum would just knock and enter without giving me time to say no); they read my journals, controlled my bagpack when I was a teen everyday when I came back from school; read my chats with friends...you get the picture.- My mum especially is very controlling of my image. If I said I liked something and she didn't she'd say I have poor taste and buy something she liked for me. I love goth fashion, but because of that I basically got tired and decided to just let her buy whatever she wanted until I moved out and could buy my own clothes without fear of harsh words. If she knew I dress like that, I'd never hear the end of it.- Refused to let me go on my own to highschool and, later on, to uni, and they insisted on picking me up afterwards. They argued it's safer and more comfy than being in a crowed train. While I appreciated the sentiment, they didn't listen that I sometimes felt like hanging out with friends after class. At least they stopped after a while when I was in uni, but it seriously fucked up my initial relationships with my classmates there. They also controlled the time when I wanted to meet up with friends in the night.- They just really want to see me studying/doing work. As in, my hobbies had to be academically oriented, if not then it's useless in their eyes. Only exception is if the hobby in question is something they particularly liked. Because of it I basically learned to hide everything I actually liked. If they discovered it, then they would rant about it and do anything possible to block it from me because "it's distracting". Today I still feel guilty whenever I do something enjoyable and I sometimes even have nightmares of them yelling at me for doing something other than study.​You can have an idea of how they are. I tried discussing this with them but they argue they just want the best for me. I believe them, even if it's too much, but in order to have a better relationship with them I figured I had to move out asap and I went as far as getting a job and a place to live in another continent (I couldn't move out before because it's very difficult where I come from). Now we talk normally and barely argue compared to before, when we had a fight pretty much everyday.​However, the elephant in the room: even now that I'm an adult, living far away, they are trying to police my behavior. I share what I post in social media with my sister, who is living with them. They are repeating the cycle with her so they basically have access to all her accounts and, by extension, they see what I publish. I post some things while keeping others private, but even with my personal filters they pull out this guilt trip whenever they see something they don't like. I posted some alcoholic drink I'm trying at home? It's not appropriate. I paint my nails black? It's indecent...​I know I shouldn't care at this point. After all, what are they going to do? Take a plane to come and yell at me? No, but I can't stop feeling like crap about it especially since they use my sister as a reason. Basically I have to maintain a perfect picture in their eyes because I'm supposed to set an example so she can "stay in a good track". I could just create new accounts and block any family members, but I would be alienating my sis and I don't want to lose contact with her. At the same time, if I allow her, my parents will keep policing my behavior, making me feel guilty for stupid reasons. And I shouldn't be so paranoid and anxious with the things I post and with what clothes I'm wearing when they want to videochat with me. I've tried talking with them, but it all ends with "we're your parents and, if we don't tell you the stuff you're doing wrong, no one will because no one cares about you as much as we do".​TL;DR: had strict parents when growing up. I moved out. Now they are trying to police my behavior when they see my stuff on social media through my sister's account and they tell me I am setting a bad example to my sis. They have complete control over my sister's activity on the internet so I can't restrict them without restricting her. It's not fair to lower my contact with her and it's also not fair for me to restrict who I am on my personal accounts.