Ex(40M) somehow found me(21F) despite all new social media. Should I block him?

So, this is a really long story and not one I'm particularly comfortable sharing. I'm mostly here to get this off my chest and, hopefully, stop feeling like I'm about to have a panic attack from the shock of it all. (No idea if this is even the right place. If not, feel free to yell at me.)

Let me profess by saying, 1. My ex was a lot older, and very different, than me. 2. I was, and am, an unstable trainwreck who makes terrible decisions. And 3. He wasn't exactly in the wrong in this situation.

I have a history of abuse, physical and mental. I have a bad home life, shitty parents. I never went to public school, in fact I hadn't had friends off the internet since I was 11. (Read, "my parents never let me leave, literally, and got a house in the middle of no where with no neighbors for miles, just to be sure.")

When I was 17, I met this group of great people online whilst gaming (yeah, I know.) We were all friends on this game, a fairly tight knit group. That's where I met who would become my ex. I never saw him as boyfriend material. In fact, we were the two that often butted heads. I kind of hated him, to be honest, mostly because of my own instability. Differing opinions, with both of us being strongly stubborn and loud about those opinions.

And then I went into a spiral of depression at 18. Home life was getting worse. I was dealing with a lot of schooling issues (failing out of high school due to never being able to study, getting sick, etc etc, and trying to make up for it.) I was also struggling with figuring out who I was. I had no therapy, no one to talk to. My dad, in particular, believes that psychology is devil work and that all therapists are doing is hypnotizing people and making them zombies.

So, I turned to my online friends, and found comfort with this man who, despite everything, I know genuinely cared for me. As a friend, and later my boyfriend. In a few weeks, I found myself falling. Hard.

But, I carried secrets and baggage. I was so afraid, so sick of anyone I got close to running out on me when they saw just how fucked up I was. I concocted a web of lies, a fantasy for myself and him. (See? Fucked up.) Instead of admitting that I was still being abused by my parents, I told him I'd left home already. From there, of course, the lies had to grow. Not to mention, I had to hide my relationship from my parents as well. My father would have killed me for being a "whore", and that's not just a dramatic statement, it's a fact.

There reached a point, over a year later that things got so bad that I started to disappear for days at a time. Obviously, my ex wasn't stupid, he knew something was wrong but I couldn't say what. More lies, but he didn't believe me at that point I don't think.

And then, in February of last year, my online life went fully dark. I left everything. Friends, him. I just...couldn't take it anymore. The lying, the sneaking. It had gotten to the point that, while I still loved him, it was tarnishing everything about it.

I wanted a clean break. Of course, in my messed up head at the time, that meant cutting ties as if they never existed. But they did, and it haunted me everyday.

Every time the phone rang, every time my parents got messages online or the mail, and eventually when I made my new social medias, every notification, my heart stops. It was never him, but my anxiety was and is so high that I still was convinced it would be.

And, as karma is a bitch, today it all came true.

​

I'm not sure how, I don't even want to know. The name I use in place of my real one isn't very similar to my real name, and my other handles are nothing that he should have known. I was careful never to use the same pictures. And, in fact, I don't even use my real pictures in my profiles anymore because I use my art (which he's never seen) instead.

He sent me a long message, full of love and understanding, but I can't reply. I won't.

It was wrong of me to leave without warning, to never tell the truth. But I don't want this. I still am going through so much, my life hasn't gotten the tiniest bit better now, at 21. And if he knew, I have no doubt he would bring down hell to find me, despite what I've done. And while I am sorry I hurt him, and that he is still hurting, I just can't bring myself to even acknowledge that he found me. What could I possibly say? "Hey, yeah, sorry I missed your messages for over a year and broke your heart. I was busy being abused. No biggie."

I feel like a terrible person, and no doubt I am, but he wasn't exactly a peach either. No one is. Which I won't go into, it's not like he ever hurt me, but sometimes he could be a dick and dismissive of my feelings. That's no excuse, obviously, but the relationship would have ended anyways. Not that it makes me feel any better.

He said that now that he knows I'm alive, that he'd stop looking, stop messaging if I wanted him to, but I don't believe that. Not to mention, now that he's found me, that means other people can and will. He wasn't the only person who was upset by my leaving, and no doubt he'll talk to the rest.

I'm exhausted. I don't want the anxiety anymore. I don't want to change my social media, constantly wondering when I open it that there will be an angry person in my inbox. Or, worse yet, that someone will show up on my doorstep one day.

​

Should I just block him everywhere, never look back? Because that's what I want to do. Is that so wrong of me? I mean, I was 18, for goodness sakes. Yes, I loved him, but now all I associate with him is anxiety. I thought I was having a heart attack when I saw his name.

​

Thank you to anyone who read this whole monstrosity.

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TL;DR my ex found my social media after I left out of the blue and I don't want to talk to him even though he probably deserves it.

Submitted July 01, 2019 at 11:58PM

So, this is a really long story and not one I'm particularly comfortable sharing. I'm mostly here to get this off my chest and, hopefully, stop feeling like I'm about to have a panic attack from the shock of it all. (No idea if this is even the right place. If not, feel free to yell at me.)Let me profess by saying, 1. My ex was a lot older, and very different, than me. 2. I was, and am, an unstable trainwreck who makes terrible decisions. And 3. He wasn't exactly in the wrong in this situation.I have a history of abuse, physical and mental. I have a bad home life, shitty parents. I never went to public school, in fact I hadn't had friends off the internet since I was 11. (Read, "my parents never let me leave, literally, and got a house in the middle of no where with no neighbors for miles, just to be sure.")When I was 17, I met this group of great people online whilst gaming (yeah, I know.) We were all friends on this game, a fairly tight knit group. That's where I met who would become my ex. I never saw him as boyfriend material. In fact, we were the two that often butted heads. I kind of hated him, to be honest, mostly because of my own instability. Differing opinions, with both of us being strongly stubborn and loud about those opinions.And then I went into a spiral of depression at 18. Home life was getting worse. I was dealing with a lot of schooling issues (failing out of high school due to never being able to study, getting sick, etc etc, and trying to make up for it.) I was also struggling with figuring out who I was. I had no therapy, no one to talk to. My dad, in particular, believes that psychology is devil work and that all therapists are doing is hypnotizing people and making them zombies.So, I turned to my online friends, and found comfort with this man who, despite everything, I know genuinely cared for me. As a friend, and later my boyfriend. In a few weeks, I found myself falling. Hard.But, I carried secrets and baggage. I was so afraid, so sick of anyone I got close to running out on me when they saw just how fucked up I was. I concocted a web of lies, a fantasy for myself and him. (See? Fucked up.) Instead of admitting that I was still being abused by my parents, I told him I'd left home already. From there, of course, the lies had to grow. Not to mention, I had to hide my relationship from my parents as well. My father would have killed me for being a "whore", and that's not just a dramatic statement, it's a fact.There reached a point, over a year later that things got so bad that I started to disappear for days at a time. Obviously, my ex wasn't stupid, he knew something was wrong but I couldn't say what. More lies, but he didn't believe me at that point I don't think.And then, in February of last year, my online life went fully dark. I left everything. Friends, him. I just...couldn't take it anymore. The lying, the sneaking. It had gotten to the point that, while I still loved him, it was tarnishing everything about it.I wanted a clean break. Of course, in my messed up head at the time, that meant cutting ties as if they never existed. But they did, and it haunted me everyday.Every time the phone rang, every time my parents got messages online or the mail, and eventually when I made my new social medias, every notification, my heart stops. It was never him, but my anxiety was and is so high that I still was convinced it would be.And, as karma is a bitch, today it all came true.​I'm not sure how, I don't even want to know. The name I use in place of my real one isn't very similar to my real name, and my other handles are nothing that he should have known. I was careful never to use the same pictures. And, in fact, I don't even use my real pictures in my profiles anymore because I use my art (which he's never seen) instead.He sent me a long message, full of love and understanding, but I can't reply. I won't.It was wrong of me to leave without warning, to never tell the truth. But I don't want this. I still am going through so much, my life hasn't gotten the tiniest bit better now, at 21. And if he knew, I have no doubt he would bring down hell to find me, despite what I've done. And while I am sorry I hurt him, and that he is still hurting, I just can't bring myself to even acknowledge that he found me. What could I possibly say? "Hey, yeah, sorry I missed your messages for over a year and broke your heart. I was busy being abused. No biggie."I feel like a terrible person, and no doubt I am, but he wasn't exactly a peach either. No one is. Which I won't go into, it's not like he ever hurt me, but sometimes he could be a dick and dismissive of my feelings. That's no excuse, obviously, but the relationship would have ended anyways. Not that it makes me feel any better.He said that now that he knows I'm alive, that he'd stop looking, stop messaging if I wanted him to, but I don't believe that. Not to mention, now that he's found me, that means other people can and will. He wasn't the only person who was upset by my leaving, and no doubt he'll talk to the rest.I'm exhausted. I don't want the anxiety anymore. I don't want to change my social media, constantly wondering when I open it that there will be an angry person in my inbox. Or, worse yet, that someone will show up on my doorstep one day.​Should I just block him everywhere, never look back? Because that's what I want to do. Is that so wrong of me? I mean, I was 18, for goodness sakes. Yes, I loved him, but now all I associate with him is anxiety. I thought I was having a heart attack when I saw his name.​Thank you to anyone who read this whole monstrosity.​TL;DR my ex found my social media after I left out of the blue and I don't want to talk to him even though he probably deserves it.