Does anyone else feel like their spouse is regularly annoyed or disapproving of your actions?

My wife and I have been married going on three years and I love her dearly. She is headstrong and independent and the most determined person I’ve ever met, and these are qualities I love her for and fell in love with her over.

That said, there are times where she has decided I’ve done wrong, or that I’ve been thoughtless, and it’s unforgivable. She explodes at me in total frustration because she can’t believe how I could’ve done something so thoughtless, or how I could offend her so terribly if I truly love her. Case in point, she’s a graphic designer. Not the type who casually picked up the adobe suite and plays with it for side cash, she has a BFA and works on a prestigious design team. She regularly does logo work for freelance cash on the side and has been refreshing her portfolio lately. Today she was joking that a logo she was doing looked like a penis and how unfortunate it was that most of the designs she was working on for this particular project easily became phallic in nature. Me, being somewhat bored and lazy with my current project (we share an office as we both work from home) decided to doodle some ideas, trying to keep them as non-phallic as possible.

Fast forward half an hour and she shows me another design. I don’t catch her joking tone as she states that the logos she’s working on keep looking like penises, so I casually mention that I doodled a few quick ideas that I thought she might like.

Apparently that was the most offensive thing I could have possibly said because she stormed out of the room in a flurry only to come back 20 minutes later ripping into me about how I make things all about me, that I must think I can do better than her, that I’m not a designer and that I didn’t go to school for it and that people think logo design is easy and you can just doodle something up and throw it through adobe illustrator and call it good and that it’s not that simple. I got chewed TF out.

My error here was trying to defend my honest stance that I was trying to be helpful, instead of accepting the verbal lashing and apologizing profusely for my apparent gross disrespect for her profession and training and abilities. I love her and I think she’s incredibly talented, I just had a moment of wanting to be helpful, which apparently was the most disrespectful thing I could have ever done. Am I the asshole here?

I’ve gone back to her to apologize multiple time now. Both for the offense itself and for defending myself instead of actively trying to understand her (she needs me to completely set my own perspective and feelings aside fully dedicate myself to understanding her perspective or else my apology is meaningless to her. I have to accept that I was wrong and to blame for her feelings.)

We have fights like this regularly. She accuses me of putting myself first and never listening to her, she tells me I always think in a “you vs me” mentality, when she always expects me to completely humble myself and accept that I’m wrong, and I can never share my perspective or I’m making it about me. I’m at a total loss most of the time.

I love her dearly. I want nothing more than her happiness. But things like this keep happening and she tells me she can’t understand how I could think the way I do, that other people are more capable of sympathy and empathy than I am and that it shouldn’t be so difficult for me. Do you think she’s right? Do I sound like an asshole?

I just want to make my wife feel confident, supported, happy, and secure. She doesn’t seem to be feeling any of those things and for her part, it sounds like I’m to blame.

If any of you have been in my shoes or have any advice on how to improve myself or my relationship, I’d really appreciate it. I just want to make my wife happy.

Submitted July 30, 2019 at 11:54PM

My wife and I have been married going on three years and I love her dearly. She is headstrong and independent and the most determined person I’ve ever met, and these are qualities I love her for and fell in love with her over.That said, there are times where she has decided I’ve done wrong, or that I’ve been thoughtless, and it’s unforgivable. She explodes at me in total frustration because she can’t believe how I could’ve done something so thoughtless, or how I could offend her so terribly if I truly love her. Case in point, she’s a graphic designer. Not the type who casually picked up the adobe suite and plays with it for side cash, she has a BFA and works on a prestigious design team. She regularly does logo work for freelance cash on the side and has been refreshing her portfolio lately. Today she was joking that a logo she was doing looked like a penis and how unfortunate it was that most of the designs she was working on for this particular project easily became phallic in nature. Me, being somewhat bored and lazy with my current project (we share an office as we both work from home) decided to doodle some ideas, trying to keep them as non-phallic as possible.Fast forward half an hour and she shows me another design. I don’t catch her joking tone as she states that the logos she’s working on keep looking like penises, so I casually mention that I doodled a few quick ideas that I thought she might like.Apparently that was the most offensive thing I could have possibly said because she stormed out of the room in a flurry only to come back 20 minutes later ripping into me about how I make things all about me, that I must think I can do better than her, that I’m not a designer and that I didn’t go to school for it and that people think logo design is easy and you can just doodle something up and throw it through adobe illustrator and call it good and that it’s not that simple. I got chewed TF out.My error here was trying to defend my honest stance that I was trying to be helpful, instead of accepting the verbal lashing and apologizing profusely for my apparent gross disrespect for her profession and training and abilities. I love her and I think she’s incredibly talented, I just had a moment of wanting to be helpful, which apparently was the most disrespectful thing I could have ever done. Am I the asshole here?I’ve gone back to her to apologize multiple time now. Both for the offense itself and for defending myself instead of actively trying to understand her (she needs me to completely set my own perspective and feelings aside fully dedicate myself to understanding her perspective or else my apology is meaningless to her. I have to accept that I was wrong and to blame for her feelings.)We have fights like this regularly. She accuses me of putting myself first and never listening to her, she tells me I always think in a “you vs me” mentality, when she always expects me to completely humble myself and accept that I’m wrong, and I can never share my perspective or I’m making it about me. I’m at a total loss most of the time.I love her dearly. I want nothing more than her happiness. But things like this keep happening and she tells me she can’t understand how I could think the way I do, that other people are more capable of sympathy and empathy than I am and that it shouldn’t be so difficult for me. Do you think she’s right? Do I sound like an asshole?I just want to make my wife feel confident, supported, happy, and secure. She doesn’t seem to be feeling any of those things and for her part, it sounds like I’m to blame.If any of you have been in my shoes or have any advice on how to improve myself or my relationship, I’d really appreciate it. I just want to make my wife happy.