Me [F21] with bf [M20] of 7 months says he doesn't feel sexually wanted

Hi everyone. I need some advice. I will do my best to make this as coherent as possible.

Me (F21) and my boyfriend (M20) who I will call John. So, we have been together for 7 months. I love him entirely and want to spend my future with him - marriage, kids, crippling mortgage etc. He wants this too. I have had 1 relationship before him that lasted a year and 1 month long fling. I have slept with 7 people including him. I am John's first everything. We were best friends for 6 months before we started dating. We are also long distance for now - we live 2 hours apart but this is easily managed and we see each other every 2 weeks for a week and I will be moving to his city once I graduate at the end of this year to close the distance (we will not live together).

He is a wonderful partner and my best friend and I want to make him as happy as I can and grow with him as we mature. I couldn't think of anyone I adore more.

John has a high sex drive and will initiate sex almost every night. I am completely okay with this. He is great in bed and always makes sure I finish as well. However my sex drive is a lot lower - if he doesn't make a move I will just go to sleep.

Last night was the last time I was there as I had to leave early this morning. We were laying in bed talking and laughing and I knew we were going to have sex - he looked at me and said, "So are we sleeping, or..." which implies sex, so I started kissing him and then we had sex. This time I was on him and he was really into it. After sex I went to clean up and came back and he was quiet and in a weird mood so I just hugged him and knew he'd talk eventually.

So he did talk and it's like so many things crashed and I can't stop thinking about it. He said that our sex just then was the first time in ages that he had his mind blown. He said he feels like I never initiate, and sex is just him "bothering" me, and he spends such a long time getting me into the mood that he feels like sex is all about me. Basically I'm not feeling into sex until my body is physically being touched. It takes a while to warm up. And it says that it makes him feel like this insistent pervert boyfriend because he wants me to show I want it too. When we do start to be intimate I do really enjoy it and want it to continue. He isn't coercing me or forcing me.

So what I took from this is that I need to initiate, too. I need him to feel wanted. I hate knowing that I have taken this for granted and been selfish by not pulling my own weight. I'm not here to have self pity just stating my feelings. He basically said that he doesn't think I'm sexually attracted to him - which really made me feel hurt knowing that my actions (or lack thereof) have made him feel that way. I asked him and he says he does feel loved, and he knows that I love him, he just needs me to show him that I want him. I slap his ass all the time and oggle him and tell him he's sexy and yet I find touching him first so terrifying. He just said he wants me to be forward and spontaneous and go for it when I want it.

For me: I feel like I lack desire for sex - not for him - until I've got hands on me - my brain will go "I wonder if we'll have sex" but I won't actively do anything to make it happen. I want to know what I can do to actively make it happen. Should I try masturbating more? I rarely do. Reading sexy things? Could it be my birth control? Should I just see it as actively loving and participating and being equal and getting over my fear and just doing it?

I just don't know what's different. When we first got together I initiated all the time. When I'm drunk I will outright jump on him. So why is it so scary now? He said he feels so confused because of how it's changed. And I really understand all of this and why he's feeling as he does because if it were the other way around I don't think I'd feel very sexy either.

I think I should add that this is the first time I have had sex with someone I deeply care for. I have had multiple sexual encounters but they were purely sexual. My previous relationship we were more like friends that rarely had quite unenthusiastic sex. This is the first time I have ever fallen in love with someone and the first time I have had feelings with sex.

I just need to know how to make this right. I don't like seeing him feel how he is feeling while knowing I could easily change it. I just need advice in how to initiate more and how to be a more sexual person because this hurts him. I know sex is such an important part of a relationship as is feeling wanted. Thank you.

TL;DR; Bf almost always initiates sex. He feels like I don't want him. I think he's really sexy. What can I do to be more sexual and show him that I do?

Submitted June 28, 2019 at 11:59PM

Hi everyone. I need some advice. I will do my best to make this as coherent as possible.Me (F21) and my boyfriend (M20) who I will call John. So, we have been together for 7 months. I love him entirely and want to spend my future with him - marriage, kids, crippling mortgage etc. He wants this too. I have had 1 relationship before him that lasted a year and 1 month long fling. I have slept with 7 people including him. I am John's first everything. We were best friends for 6 months before we started dating. We are also long distance for now - we live 2 hours apart but this is easily managed and we see each other every 2 weeks for a week and I will be moving to his city once I graduate at the end of this year to close the distance (we will not live together).He is a wonderful partner and my best friend and I want to make him as happy as I can and grow with him as we mature. I couldn't think of anyone I adore more.John has a high sex drive and will initiate sex almost every night. I am completely okay with this. He is great in bed and always makes sure I finish as well. However my sex drive is a lot lower - if he doesn't make a move I will just go to sleep.Last night was the last time I was there as I had to leave early this morning. We were laying in bed talking and laughing and I knew we were going to have sex - he looked at me and said, "So are we sleeping, or..." which implies sex, so I started kissing him and then we had sex. This time I was on him and he was really into it. After sex I went to clean up and came back and he was quiet and in a weird mood so I just hugged him and knew he'd talk eventually.So he did talk and it's like so many things crashed and I can't stop thinking about it. He said that our sex just then was the first time in ages that he had his mind blown. He said he feels like I never initiate, and sex is just him "bothering" me, and he spends such a long time getting me into the mood that he feels like sex is all about me. Basically I'm not feeling into sex until my body is physically being touched. It takes a while to warm up. And it says that it makes him feel like this insistent pervert boyfriend because he wants me to show I want it too. When we do start to be intimate I do really enjoy it and want it to continue. He isn't coercing me or forcing me.So what I took from this is that I need to initiate, too. I need him to feel wanted. I hate knowing that I have taken this for granted and been selfish by not pulling my own weight. I'm not here to have self pity just stating my feelings. He basically said that he doesn't think I'm sexually attracted to him - which really made me feel hurt knowing that my actions (or lack thereof) have made him feel that way. I asked him and he says he does feel loved, and he knows that I love him, he just needs me to show him that I want him. I slap his ass all the time and oggle him and tell him he's sexy and yet I find touching him first so terrifying. He just said he wants me to be forward and spontaneous and go for it when I want it.For me: I feel like I lack desire for sex - not for him - until I've got hands on me - my brain will go "I wonder if we'll have sex" but I won't actively do anything to make it happen. I want to know what I can do to actively make it happen. Should I try masturbating more? I rarely do. Reading sexy things? Could it be my birth control? Should I just see it as actively loving and participating and being equal and getting over my fear and just doing it?I just don't know what's different. When we first got together I initiated all the time. When I'm drunk I will outright jump on him. So why is it so scary now? He said he feels so confused because of how it's changed. And I really understand all of this and why he's feeling as he does because if it were the other way around I don't think I'd feel very sexy either.I think I should add that this is the first time I have had sex with someone I deeply care for. I have had multiple sexual encounters but they were purely sexual. My previous relationship we were more like friends that rarely had quite unenthusiastic sex. This is the first time I have ever fallen in love with someone and the first time I have had feelings with sex.I just need to know how to make this right. I don't like seeing him feel how he is feeling while knowing I could easily change it. I just need advice in how to initiate more and how to be a more sexual person because this hurts him. I know sex is such an important part of a relationship as is feeling wanted. Thank you.TL;DR; Bf almost always initiates sex. He feels like I don't want him. I think he's really sexy. What can I do to be more sexual and show him that I do?