I poured everything into this relationship, but he left me this morning... I'm lost

My boyfriend (now ex I guess :'( ) and I have been together since October of 2017. We were so in love, but it never really started in a healthy place in the first place, he was hurt since his ex cheated on him and broke his heart, and he was seeing this other girl about a month before we got together, so I guess I was the second rebound. He was my first boyfriend, and he took my virginity. We dated throughout my senior year (he is 2 years younger... this gap probably made everything harder), throughout my freshman year of college, and now it is the summer before my sophomore year of college. He broke up with me this morning.

​

Before I get to the events of last night, I just wanna give some background info. I am not the most stable person, in fact, I am very depressed. I have always been very depressed since the beginning of our relationship, and he knew that, but I guess he was in pain at the moment too, so it was something we had in common. We got so close so fast, and ended up having sex about a month after we started hanging out. I wasn't ready for a relationship, and told him, but feelings of passion overtook the both of us and we ended up in love. He was my best friend, and still was up until this morning I guess.... I am very clingy, and he knows that I know that, and I've been trying to get better for so long: ever since we got together, I found myself leaning on him a lot (and he on me, I think), but I've gotten better, so much better and I'm much more independent, but the more and more independent I got (which is what he wanted) the further he pushed me away. His family (mostly his mother) has strongly disliked me for so long, and called our relationship unhealthy to both of our faces, and hearing that made me want to fix things more, but I just ended up fucking things up more because I just hated his parents. I felt how insignificant I was to them, just a temporary person in my boyfriend's (let's call him J now) life. I remember talking to his mother about an incident that rattled all of us (we basically got too drunk and I freaked out because J was calling me other girls' names that he had either dated before, or had a crush on) and she said "I just want to protect my son from unnecessary drama," and I was so hurt, and J didn't care.

Now after his parents started actively trying to turn him against me, things just spiraled into something much worse. I'm an 18 year old kid being told that I'm toxic by a 40 year old woman (J's mother) who is actively trying to rob me of the person I loved so much took such a toll on me. She haunted me, and was jealous of me (which made me feel worse), and our relationship started falling apart because of her (and his whole family, but mostly her). Yes, we had issues, but his mother stepping in and trying to tell us how to be in a relationship just made everything worse.

Fast forward to yesterday. J and I were gonna have a fun day, because we felt like we had a day off (since it's summer, and I finished summer school for the week, and J was home) so I popped two tabs of acid and he ate 2g of magic mushrooms, then we went to the beach with his cousin (who has been visiting and living at J's house for about a month, he also doesn't like me, and I could feel him trying to split us up). His cousin was driving, and after the beach we ended up going to McDonalds because J was not doing well on the shrooms and he needed to eat. I paid for all the food, for 3 of us. ( that's another thing, I have spent thousands of dollars on this relationship. I have paid for nearly every meal, and everything we needed to pay for for the past 2 years, since I was working and J has not.)

Another thing, J recently got his drivers license. Before he got his license, I pretty much had to drive us everywhere. But as soon as he got his, he kind of iced me out and talked to me less :(

Anyway, yesterday, J's cousin was being a big baby because he had to drive (this was after I got him McDonalds btw), and this was when shit started hitting the fan. I started losing control of my mind and body (since I'm on 2 tabs of acid as well) because I felt the cousin was blaming me for having to drive, and the first thing that started racing through my head was "you didn't have to come with us. you didn't have to come with us," and then all of a sudden I thought I was paralyzed and couldnt walk, I forgot who I was, and I was repeating the same phrases over and over again like "I keep forgetting, what's happening, I just try to go through life and be good," because I literally forgot who and what I was. I forgot how to speak, how to see, how to move, everything. I could not control myself. By the time we got to my house, they couldn't stand me. The cousin seemed furious, and was blaming me for everything, like I had done something so wrong. I kept asking them what I did wrong and they refused to answer, they were just angry. They were uncomfortable being around me because of my bad trip and couldn't bare being around me, and I went home and we didn't really talk that night, but I definitely didn't say anything mean.

Fast forward to this morning, I called J because I wanted to talk about last night, but he was angry and said that he absolutely could not handle talking to me, and that we should break up because he says for the past year he feels he has been doing the same thing every day, and that he's not happy with me or himself. Also that I "need to realize how fucking selfish I am." I asked him what I do that is selfish, and he said that he didn't know, and that it's just constantly there and it's unbearable.

The only thing i've ever wanted from him was his time. I wanted to spend time with him, but that was a problem. And yes at first I look back and I was very clingy, but I have improved and we had been spending less and less time together... he seemed to get mad at everything I said.

What do I do? I know we have problems but I still love him so much... and he said that he still loves me but I honestly don't know, since he never really communicated with me since the beginning, even though I would beg him, ask him why he won't tell me what's wrong, tried to give him space, tried to clean up my act.... What am I doing wrong? I'm so lost, and now I just feel like the most cursed, evil person, because I am apparently so bad but never realize it.

​

​

TL;DR basically, I freaked out on acid and he and his cousin (who was with us) got pissed and this morning I called him and he screamed at me, calling me selfish. We have a lot of history and have been very close for a while. I have never been closer to anyone before and I still love him... I just feel broken and lost now, I don't know what to do. I try to be a strong, independent person, but throughout our relationship I just seemed to do everything wrong. I am 19 F and he is 17 M, we had been dating since October 2017. He took my virginity and was my first everything. I just want to know what to do with myself right now because I'm so hurt and lost

Submitted June 29, 2019 at 12:02AM

My boyfriend (now ex I guess :'( ) and I have been together since October of 2017. We were so in love, but it never really started in a healthy place in the first place, he was hurt since his ex cheated on him and broke his heart, and he was seeing this other girl about a month before we got together, so I guess I was the second rebound. He was my first boyfriend, and he took my virginity. We dated throughout my senior year (he is 2 years younger... this gap probably made everything harder), throughout my freshman year of college, and now it is the summer before my sophomore year of college. He broke up with me this morning.​Before I get to the events of last night, I just wanna give some background info. I am not the most stable person, in fact, I am very depressed. I have always been very depressed since the beginning of our relationship, and he knew that, but I guess he was in pain at the moment too, so it was something we had in common. We got so close so fast, and ended up having sex about a month after we started hanging out. I wasn't ready for a relationship, and told him, but feelings of passion overtook the both of us and we ended up in love. He was my best friend, and still was up until this morning I guess.... I am very clingy, and he knows that I know that, and I've been trying to get better for so long: ever since we got together, I found myself leaning on him a lot (and he on me, I think), but I've gotten better, so much better and I'm much more independent, but the more and more independent I got (which is what he wanted) the further he pushed me away. His family (mostly his mother) has strongly disliked me for so long, and called our relationship unhealthy to both of our faces, and hearing that made me want to fix things more, but I just ended up fucking things up more because I just hated his parents. I felt how insignificant I was to them, just a temporary person in my boyfriend's (let's call him J now) life. I remember talking to his mother about an incident that rattled all of us (we basically got too drunk and I freaked out because J was calling me other girls' names that he had either dated before, or had a crush on) and she said "I just want to protect my son from unnecessary drama," and I was so hurt, and J didn't care.Now after his parents started actively trying to turn him against me, things just spiraled into something much worse. I'm an 18 year old kid being told that I'm toxic by a 40 year old woman (J's mother) who is actively trying to rob me of the person I loved so much took such a toll on me. She haunted me, and was jealous of me (which made me feel worse), and our relationship started falling apart because of her (and his whole family, but mostly her). Yes, we had issues, but his mother stepping in and trying to tell us how to be in a relationship just made everything worse.Fast forward to yesterday. J and I were gonna have a fun day, because we felt like we had a day off (since it's summer, and I finished summer school for the week, and J was home) so I popped two tabs of acid and he ate 2g of magic mushrooms, then we went to the beach with his cousin (who has been visiting and living at J's house for about a month, he also doesn't like me, and I could feel him trying to split us up). His cousin was driving, and after the beach we ended up going to McDonalds because J was not doing well on the shrooms and he needed to eat. I paid for all the food, for 3 of us. ( that's another thing, I have spent thousands of dollars on this relationship. I have paid for nearly every meal, and everything we needed to pay for for the past 2 years, since I was working and J has not.)Another thing, J recently got his drivers license. Before he got his license, I pretty much had to drive us everywhere. But as soon as he got his, he kind of iced me out and talked to me less :(Anyway, yesterday, J's cousin was being a big baby because he had to drive (this was after I got him McDonalds btw), and this was when shit started hitting the fan. I started losing control of my mind and body (since I'm on 2 tabs of acid as well) because I felt the cousin was blaming me for having to drive, and the first thing that started racing through my head was "you didn't have to come with us. you didn't have to come with us," and then all of a sudden I thought I was paralyzed and couldnt walk, I forgot who I was, and I was repeating the same phrases over and over again like "I keep forgetting, what's happening, I just try to go through life and be good," because I literally forgot who and what I was. I forgot how to speak, how to see, how to move, everything. I could not control myself. By the time we got to my house, they couldn't stand me. The cousin seemed furious, and was blaming me for everything, like I had done something so wrong. I kept asking them what I did wrong and they refused to answer, they were just angry. They were uncomfortable being around me because of my bad trip and couldn't bare being around me, and I went home and we didn't really talk that night, but I definitely didn't say anything mean.Fast forward to this morning, I called J because I wanted to talk about last night, but he was angry and said that he absolutely could not handle talking to me, and that we should break up because he says for the past year he feels he has been doing the same thing every day, and that he's not happy with me or himself. Also that I "need to realize how fucking selfish I am." I asked him what I do that is selfish, and he said that he didn't know, and that it's just constantly there and it's unbearable.The only thing i've ever wanted from him was his time. I wanted to spend time with him, but that was a problem. And yes at first I look back and I was very clingy, but I have improved and we had been spending less and less time together... he seemed to get mad at everything I said.What do I do? I know we have problems but I still love him so much... and he said that he still loves me but I honestly don't know, since he never really communicated with me since the beginning, even though I would beg him, ask him why he won't tell me what's wrong, tried to give him space, tried to clean up my act.... What am I doing wrong? I'm so lost, and now I just feel like the most cursed, evil person, because I am apparently so bad but never realize it.​​TL;DR basically, I freaked out on acid and he and his cousin (who was with us) got pissed and this morning I called him and he screamed at me, calling me selfish. We have a lot of history and have been very close for a while. I have never been closer to anyone before and I still love him... I just feel broken and lost now, I don't know what to do. I try to be a strong, independent person, but throughout our relationship I just seemed to do everything wrong. I am 19 F and he is 17 M, we had been dating since October 2017. He took my virginity and was my first everything. I just want to know what to do with myself right now because I'm so hurt and lost