RANT because i need to get it out of my head to make sense of everything

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Me and my on and off bf of 9 years, (who i lost my virginity to) started off having sex in a very intimate, passionate, loving, kind of way... it turned me on, i was happy, i felt pleased, he took his time, we held hands, we kind of basically taught each other this type of sex, we both enjoyed it, he was gentle, and we switched being dominate, it felt like we both had a part and say in our sex life, and it was great.

I ended up getting pregnant pretty quickly afterwords, we met when i was 14 got pregnant at 16.

(had only one other partner before hand and we split up during pregnancy and i had sex with someone else while pregnant and eventually i told him after the baby was born.)

During pregnancy, we had sex, and it turned very different....he was aggressive, dominant all the time, just started slowly being opposite then what it was before hand. We were young, and weren't being faithful, but continued to come back to each other always because we enjoyed it with each other the most. I felt guilty, let it happen without addressing how it made me truly feel. Thought it would be a phase? IT seems like at the time i didn't understand why that was, but also, he wasn't happy that we were pregnant in the beginning and i decided to keep it, so i think maybe his feelings started being portrayed in sex, resenting me. Again, felt guilty, so i didnt say much.

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After that lasted for a little bit, i was exhausted all the time after the baby was born being a young teen mom on my own and his inconsistent help. I didnt have a big sex drive, i didnt feel or act sexy, we stopped having sex the way we did and eventually at all i felt like it was a deed and i believe he did to. he complained about both these things, but tried his best to stay with me, but eventually wasnt happy and didnt want to wait it out with me. (do people do that even? am i crazy for believing he could of or should of?) He ended up telling me he found someone else and it was "serious", and we just eventually stopped sleeping with each other. Then it turned into me allowing him to sleep with me and her, (very low self confidence didnt care atm just wanted him in my life) which resulted into transforming our sex life.

He started full blown being aggressive, dominant, and sort of just force-ful, i found a little bit of pleasure in it, i thought it was sexy for a bit because i felt like prior i kind of was the one with the dominance more...

but eventually it got old, it was the same every time, and i continued to do it, i can remember telling myself to like it, like i wasn't really being pleased? I started getting off on getting him off.....okay fine, but it remained that way.

Its like whatever sex he had with the girl he left me for was completely different, it was. where else was this coming from? it wasnt how we were? I remember reading dirty texts from them both (i know wtf is wrong with me) and he just basically made her do and say whatver he wanted and she did it....then i saw texts that said she would tell him he eats her out so good...ect...all these things, that we didnt do ever, or before. He was a completely different person with her, and after her.

I hated it, i hated it i hated him i hated her i hated the whole idea. But i allowed him to continue to sleep with me because it made it real that he wasnt serious about her like he "said" he was, so that was better then being without him and knowing they were serious. its like i....stooped to this level of intimacy with him because i felt like that was the only way he was pleased anymore? Or the only way to have him? eventually i started asking what they did and why he liked it... he thought it was weird but always i think fed his ego to answer to know that i wondered and wanted to be better then anybody else he was with. I also believe that instead of moving on and dealing with the facts that he was moved on, i instigated him and knew exactly how to get his attention and made it my goal to ruin whatever they had.

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They ended up sharing a life for a little bit becasue he wasnt interested in me anymore, and alot to do with not wanting to be a family, or take care of his child, he barley saw his child and she didnt really think that was a problem. she always went out of her way to make tweets about me being a side chick and the babymama, and it was just a mess. She made it seem like one thing but when he was with me he made it seem like it was fake and he did and said things he had to, to her for her to sleep and do what he wanted in bed and in general. I dont know what to think about that entire situation and eventually gave up on figuring out whats true, and stopped being bitter. still to this day i ask how he felt for her, he said there was no feelings ever, (yet he told her he loved her and me)

Fast forward to now, sex still hasnt transtioned back to the kind of sex we once had. IM wondering if its even possible, does sex change over time and just continue to change forever, my mind is all over the place.

i dont know what to think or do really or as i typed all this i feel like shit because ive clarified that ive been treated like shit in and outside of bed, but yet still want it? We are currently different people then that time period, dont want to be with other people and are working on a life to build together. But he is so stuck on being domninate and doing whatever he wants to me, not taking a minute to ask what i want. i have to address it for myself. So he doesnt give a shit about me how he should right? Am i wasting my time even trying to do this anymore lol?

I dont know if there is just to much damage to ever be in a spot we where once in, or if there even is a chance at something more intimate. But then again, doesnt that start outside of the bedroom...and how he overall feels for me?

He says he loves me and i do to. But its starting to feel like hes just with me for reasons i secretly dont know or understand that are for his benefit only. Just like he was with that other girl. Ever since then he hasnt treated me the same.

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SORRY FOR MIS SPELLED WORDS RANTING AND I FEEL LIKE IM ALL OVER THE PLACE

ANYTHING AT ALL WILL HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

Submitted April 28, 2019 at 05:56AM

​Me and my on and off bf of 9 years, (who i lost my virginity to) started off having sex in a very intimate, passionate, loving, kind of way... it turned me on, i was happy, i felt pleased, he took his time, we held hands, we kind of basically taught each other this type of sex, we both enjoyed it, he was gentle, and we switched being dominate, it felt like we both had a part and say in our sex life, and it was great.I ended up getting pregnant pretty quickly afterwords, we met when i was 14 got pregnant at 16.(had only one other partner before hand and we split up during pregnancy and i had sex with someone else while pregnant and eventually i told him after the baby was born.)During pregnancy, we had sex, and it turned very different....he was aggressive, dominant all the time, just started slowly being opposite then what it was before hand. We were young, and weren't being faithful, but continued to come back to each other always because we enjoyed it with each other the most. I felt guilty, let it happen without addressing how it made me truly feel. Thought it would be a phase? IT seems like at the time i didn't understand why that was, but also, he wasn't happy that we were pregnant in the beginning and i decided to keep it, so i think maybe his feelings started being portrayed in sex, resenting me. Again, felt guilty, so i didnt say much.​After that lasted for a little bit, i was exhausted all the time after the baby was born being a young teen mom on my own and his inconsistent help. I didnt have a big sex drive, i didnt feel or act sexy, we stopped having sex the way we did and eventually at all i felt like it was a deed and i believe he did to. he complained about both these things, but tried his best to stay with me, but eventually wasnt happy and didnt want to wait it out with me. (do people do that even? am i crazy for believing he could of or should of?) He ended up telling me he found someone else and it was "serious", and we just eventually stopped sleeping with each other. Then it turned into me allowing him to sleep with me and her, (very low self confidence didnt care atm just wanted him in my life) which resulted into transforming our sex life.He started full blown being aggressive, dominant, and sort of just force-ful, i found a little bit of pleasure in it, i thought it was sexy for a bit because i felt like prior i kind of was the one with the dominance more...but eventually it got old, it was the same every time, and i continued to do it, i can remember telling myself to like it, like i wasn't really being pleased? I started getting off on getting him off.....okay fine, but it remained that way.Its like whatever sex he had with the girl he left me for was completely different, it was. where else was this coming from? it wasnt how we were? I remember reading dirty texts from them both (i know wtf is wrong with me) and he just basically made her do and say whatver he wanted and she did it....then i saw texts that said she would tell him he eats her out so good...ect...all these things, that we didnt do ever, or before. He was a completely different person with her, and after her.I hated it, i hated it i hated him i hated her i hated the whole idea. But i allowed him to continue to sleep with me because it made it real that he wasnt serious about her like he "said" he was, so that was better then being without him and knowing they were serious. its like i....stooped to this level of intimacy with him because i felt like that was the only way he was pleased anymore? Or the only way to have him? eventually i started asking what they did and why he liked it... he thought it was weird but always i think fed his ego to answer to know that i wondered and wanted to be better then anybody else he was with. I also believe that instead of moving on and dealing with the facts that he was moved on, i instigated him and knew exactly how to get his attention and made it my goal to ruin whatever they had.​They ended up sharing a life for a little bit becasue he wasnt interested in me anymore, and alot to do with not wanting to be a family, or take care of his child, he barley saw his child and she didnt really think that was a problem. she always went out of her way to make tweets about me being a side chick and the babymama, and it was just a mess. She made it seem like one thing but when he was with me he made it seem like it was fake and he did and said things he had to, to her for her to sleep and do what he wanted in bed and in general. I dont know what to think about that entire situation and eventually gave up on figuring out whats true, and stopped being bitter. still to this day i ask how he felt for her, he said there was no feelings ever, (yet he told her he loved her and me)Fast forward to now, sex still hasnt transtioned back to the kind of sex we once had. IM wondering if its even possible, does sex change over time and just continue to change forever, my mind is all over the place.i dont know what to think or do really or as i typed all this i feel like shit because ive clarified that ive been treated like shit in and outside of bed, but yet still want it? We are currently different people then that time period, dont want to be with other people and are working on a life to build together. But he is so stuck on being domninate and doing whatever he wants to me, not taking a minute to ask what i want. i have to address it for myself. So he doesnt give a shit about me how he should right? Am i wasting my time even trying to do this anymore lol?I dont know if there is just to much damage to ever be in a spot we where once in, or if there even is a chance at something more intimate. But then again, doesnt that start outside of the bedroom...and how he overall feels for me?He says he loves me and i do to. But its starting to feel like hes just with me for reasons i secretly dont know or understand that are for his benefit only. Just like he was with that other girl. Ever since then he hasnt treated me the same.​SORRY FOR MIS SPELLED WORDS RANTING AND I FEEL LIKE IM ALL OVER THE PLACEANYTHING AT ALL WILL HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP