Feeling weird after CNC

Hi, first time posting... I need to talk through my first experience with consensual non-consent with anyone willing, because I feel confused. I think that is allowed by the rules, mostly I need advice on how to figure out how I feel about what I just experienced.

I [25F] and my fwb [33M] have long been discussing BDSM practices, and we've enjoyed all of them so far. Last night, I brought up CNC and told him I wanted him to overtake me and to struggle under his weight, and he told me to pick a safeword. I went with "enough" and stressed that I didn't want him to stop if I said, well, "stop", "no" or "let go". However, he told me to pick a non-sexual word for it, so we went with "red".

After that, he completely overpowered me and I could not break loose from his grasp. I struggled, squirmed, said "no", "stop", "let go", "enough" (this having been ruled out as a safeword). He told me to shut up and spat on my mouth during PIV, called me demeaning names during, said stuff along the lines of "you know you like it".

The second I said "red", he slowed down and checked in on me, and we continued having regular sex. We talked about it during and he said he almost came from that scene that had just played out.

I was the one who suggested CNC, and I think I enjoyed it, but I'm concerned about the effects this could have on my psychological health since it's the first time I ever tried that. I felt safe trying it with someone I trust, that's not the issue.

I am turned on by rough sex, manhandling and submission, but I feel conflicted about reinforcing rape culture. I worry at how he said he almost came from rape play.

Does this mean he won't respect me as a sexual partner? Or that any other rough but fully consensual sex will bore him and from now on the only way he'll be satisfied with me will need to involve CNC?

Mainly, I care about being respected, which I think I was, because he stopped when I asked to and then we continued with other standard practices. But I fear this encourages him to think of me as just a little slut.

He did check on me and asked if I was okay, but should I ask him to be more openly affectionate afterwards so I can feel reassured and safe? (In turn, this makes me wonder whether I'm using CNC as a method to get him to be affectionate with me, which he usually isn't.)

Can you share your first CNC experiences so that I can reason through this? I don't feel safe talking about this to my friends or my therapist because of the stigma.

Thank you very much for providing this space for us to think healthily about our kinks.

Submitted November 13, 2021 at 11:44PM

Hi, first time posting... I need to talk through my first experience with consensual non-consent with anyone willing, because I feel confused. I think that is allowed by the rules, mostly I need advice on how to figure out how I feel about what I just experienced.I [25F] and my fwb [33M] have long been discussing BDSM practices, and we've enjoyed all of them so far. Last night, I brought up CNC and told him I wanted him to overtake me and to struggle under his weight, and he told me to pick a safeword. I went with "enough" and stressed that I didn't want him to stop if I said, well, "stop", "no" or "let go". However, he told me to pick a non-sexual word for it, so we went with "red".After that, he completely overpowered me and I could not break loose from his grasp. I struggled, squirmed, said "no", "stop", "let go", "enough" (this having been ruled out as a safeword). He told me to shut up and spat on my mouth during PIV, called me demeaning names during, said stuff along the lines of "you know you like it".The second I said "red", he slowed down and checked in on me, and we continued having regular sex. We talked about it during and he said he almost came from that scene that had just played out.I was the one who suggested CNC, and I think I enjoyed it, but I'm concerned about the effects this could have on my psychological health since it's the first time I ever tried that. I felt safe trying it with someone I trust, that's not the issue.I am turned on by rough sex, manhandling and submission, but I feel conflicted about reinforcing rape culture. I worry at how he said he almost came from rape play.Does this mean he won't respect me as a sexual partner? Or that any other rough but fully consensual sex will bore him and from now on the only way he'll be satisfied with me will need to involve CNC?Mainly, I care about being respected, which I think I was, because he stopped when I asked to and then we continued with other standard practices. But I fear this encourages him to think of me as just a little slut.He did check on me and asked if I was okay, but should I ask him to be more openly affectionate afterwards so I can feel reassured and safe? (In turn, this makes me wonder whether I'm using CNC as a method to get him to be affectionate with me, which he usually isn't.)Can you share your first CNC experiences so that I can reason through this? I don't feel safe talking about this to my friends or my therapist because of the stigma.Thank you very much for providing this space for us to think healthily about our kinks.