Childhood SA or am I just paranoid ?

This sub is sex related so thought it would be relevant here…. Lately I have remembered a childhood memory that I believe is significant, but I can’t remember specific details, is this an indication of repressed sexual abuse? A little of background on me and why I believe I have repressed memories: I have borderline personality disorder (the believed cause of this disorder are physical, emotional abuse , and neglect and especially sexual abuse. ) I have had bulimia nervosa on and off for 7 years. I also have PTSD, GAD, depression, OCD, body dysphormia, alcohol dependence disorder, and skin picking disorder- these can be caused by child sex abuse and the fact I have all of them seems that this is highly probable to me. So the main memory that’s sticking out to me: I was VERY young so I don’t remember everything and idk what age exactly, but I remember multiple times were I was in a pool and my dad would act like we were playing some type of game. He would have this creepy look on his face and act like a completely different person and I remember he would go under the water and grab me but I don’t remember exactly where or anything else really, but it happened quite often I know. I do remember I would get upset when he did this and tell my mom I wanted him to leave me alone. She never did anything that I know of. And when I think about this memory , I get very emotional and depressed and cry.

Some other weird things I remember from my childhood: * Asking my cousin at a Very young age to touch me sexually and act as if they were a doctor doing an exam on me with an object * Playing “sexual games” with my best friend at a very young age. This involved objects. I remember trying to not let my parents find out and be secretive about it * At age 9 or 10, I had to go to the nurse because I was wiping too hard when I went to the bathroom and there was TONS of blood from wiping so hard. (Part of ocd I’m guessing?) * Spending a lot of time in my closet instead of my room playing * I remember around age 7 or so believing I was evil and that I was going to hell and would cry and tell my mom over and over about this concern * At a very young age I remember inserting objects into my body such as q tips for no apparent reason * Around 5 years old I remember masterbating frequently . * At age 13, I was sexually assaulted. I was kissing a boy and he started touching me in places I didn’t want and I told him no and moved his hands but he ignored my no and kept touching me. At the time I thought this was completely normal and didnt think he did anything wrong. * At age 15, I was on a family vacation and I remember my father making sexual comments to me. At the dinner table I was wearing a crop top and he said exactly “your boobs are so big, are they the biggest in your class?” It creeped me out considering he’s my dad * I’ve caught my dad multiple times staring at my body in a lustful way when I’ve been around him in a bikini. * Recently (I’m 20 now) he barged in my room when I had a thong on and a push up bra. I told him to leave and that I was basically naked but he just stared at me for 2 mintutes straight and started saying random stuff to distract thst he was just in my room to look at me. * I have confusion regarding my sexual orientation and go between wanting sex all the time to being disgusted by it * I’ve treated my body as an object before and let myself be used by men

So, do I sound crazy or would this make sense and explain all the issues I’ve had in my life? Opinions please? Is this normal?

Submitted October 18, 2021 at 12:42AM

This sub is sex related so thought it would be relevant here…. Lately I have remembered a childhood memory that I believe is significant, but I can’t remember specific details, is this an indication of repressed sexual abuse? A little of background on me and why I believe I have repressed memories: I have borderline personality disorder (the believed cause of this disorder are physical, emotional abuse , and neglect and especially sexual abuse. ) I have had bulimia nervosa on and off for 7 years. I also have PTSD, GAD, depression, OCD, body dysphormia, alcohol dependence disorder, and skin picking disorder- these can be caused by child sex abuse and the fact I have all of them seems that this is highly probable to me. So the main memory that’s sticking out to me: I was VERY young so I don’t remember everything and idk what age exactly, but I remember multiple times were I was in a pool and my dad would act like we were playing some type of game. He would have this creepy look on his face and act like a completely different person and I remember he would go under the water and grab me but I don’t remember exactly where or anything else really, but it happened quite often I know. I do remember I would get upset when he did this and tell my mom I wanted him to leave me alone. She never did anything that I know of. And when I think about this memory , I get very emotional and depressed and cry.Some other weird things I remember from my childhood: * Asking my cousin at a Very young age to touch me sexually and act as if they were a doctor doing an exam on me with an object * Playing “sexual games” with my best friend at a very young age. This involved objects. I remember trying to not let my parents find out and be secretive about it * At age 9 or 10, I had to go to the nurse because I was wiping too hard when I went to the bathroom and there was TONS of blood from wiping so hard. (Part of ocd I’m guessing?) * Spending a lot of time in my closet instead of my room playing * I remember around age 7 or so believing I was evil and that I was going to hell and would cry and tell my mom over and over about this concern * At a very young age I remember inserting objects into my body such as q tips for no apparent reason * Around 5 years old I remember masterbating frequently . * At age 13, I was sexually assaulted. I was kissing a boy and he started touching me in places I didn’t want and I told him no and moved his hands but he ignored my no and kept touching me. At the time I thought this was completely normal and didnt think he did anything wrong. * At age 15, I was on a family vacation and I remember my father making sexual comments to me. At the dinner table I was wearing a crop top and he said exactly “your boobs are so big, are they the biggest in your class?” It creeped me out considering he’s my dad * I’ve caught my dad multiple times staring at my body in a lustful way when I’ve been around him in a bikini. * Recently (I’m 20 now) he barged in my room when I had a thong on and a push up bra. I told him to leave and that I was basically naked but he just stared at me for 2 mintutes straight and started saying random stuff to distract thst he was just in my room to look at me. * I have confusion regarding my sexual orientation and go between wanting sex all the time to being disgusted by it * I’ve treated my body as an object before and let myself be used by menSo, do I sound crazy or would this make sense and explain all the issues I’ve had in my life? Opinions please? Is this normal?