23(F) I’ve slept with 35 people but I still feel like I’m awful in bed

I’m a 23 year old woman that has a body count of 35. When I grew up as a teen my mum ingrained into me I shouldn’t have sex or do anything sexual with guys if I don’t love them as they won’t be interested in me for anything else. I think from this I grew scared of sex, to the point when I experienced my first sexual experience I was petrified. It started as something that daunted me, not excited me.

I had a bf when I was 16, that we would have awkward missionary sex drunk once a week. I came out of that year long relationship basically still a virgin. My next proper sexual partner was when I was 19, who I was with for 3 years. Throughout this time I could never fully relax, I found it hard to be in the moment (constantly in my head) and I felt awkward, shy and downright not sexy. During intercourse I would feel like a gremlin and hated him looking at me.

Once I finished this relationship I jumped into another relationship where I experienced what being in love is. This is the best sex I’ve had in my life where I felt sexy and could let go, something I haven’t been able to replicate since.

After this heartbreak ^ i began (and I am still proud to be in) what one would call a “hoe phase”… I have slept with numerous people. I believe women just like men should have the freedom of sleeping with however many people they want and we should be allowed to enjoy it judgement free. And I do enjoy it … sort of?

Whilst not all my experiences have been awful, I put this down to being blackout drunk with liquid confidence. When I’m anywhere near sober I’m back to my 16 year old awkward, shy, ugly self. Even with years of casual hookup experience.

Now after the pandemic, getting back to having sex I’ve lost any practice I had before and now feel like I am the worst person to ever have sex with. I can’t relax, once again I’m extremely awkward and the dick game just isn’t on point. I put this down to self-confidence and not physically exercising whatsoever throughout the pandemic.

Now after several guys I feel like Im being used to masturbate with like an object. Everyone I sleep with I feel like they’re doing it because it’s there, not because they want me. I’ve cut sex short many times with the excuse of being “sore” when in reality I just feel so awkward and not into it that I want it to stop. Pre-sex I come across as a very confident and sexual girl so after, I feel ashamed and want to apologise for the disappointment. I do try though guys, I don’t just lie there before you think that lol

What I’ve taken out of it is a number of things:

  1. I enjoy sex with a connection as I feel comfortable to let go a bit more.
  2. I am very insecure and I think the sex with my ex was amazing because he made me feel beautiful before, during and after sex.
  3. Lack of exercise and in general movement throughout the pandemic has made me extremely lazy in bed, being on top is a struggle for longer than a few minutes. Even my rhythm has suffered.
  4. Penetration alone doesn’t do much for me and a lot of the time that’s all you get in one night stands.

So that makes it sound like I need a loving boyfriend to stop my problems ( & learn to love myself of course)…

However:

  1. I don’t get feelings for people easily, I haven’t seen a future with anyone or even felt like I’ve had a strong connection with someone in over 3 years.
  2. I love meeting new people and the lead up to sex: the flirting, the attention… the game.
  3. I have a stereotypical fuck boy mindset that I take pride in ticking off a new attractive guy I’ve went on a date with or I’ve slept with. I enjoy being single.

This is all a big muddle of ??? Questions for me: but I guess the thick of it is:

  1. What do you think I should do? I’m not enjoying the sex, should I stop until I meet someone that makes me comfortable? (Dilemma: I love meeting new people and I get easily carried away)
  2. How can I feel sexy in the bedroom?
  3. Any tips on how to tackle feeling lazy in bed?
  4. Any advice or words of wisdom is appreciated :)

TLDR: I’ve slept with many people but I struggle with feeling confident / any good in bed.



Submitted August 19, 2021 at 11:22PM

I’m a 23 year old woman that has a body count of 35. When I grew up as a teen my mum ingrained into me I shouldn’t have sex or do anything sexual with guys if I don’t love them as they won’t be interested in me for anything else. I think from this I grew scared of sex, to the point when I experienced my first sexual experience I was petrified. It started as something that daunted me, not excited me.I had a bf when I was 16, that we would have awkward missionary sex drunk once a week. I came out of that year long relationship basically still a virgin. My next proper sexual partner was when I was 19, who I was with for 3 years. Throughout this time I could never fully relax, I found it hard to be in the moment (constantly in my head) and I felt awkward, shy and downright not sexy. During intercourse I would feel like a gremlin and hated him looking at me.Once I finished this relationship I jumped into another relationship where I experienced what being in love is. This is the best sex I’ve had in my life where I felt sexy and could let go, something I haven’t been able to replicate since.After this heartbreak ^ i began (and I am still proud to be in) what one would call a “hoe phase”… I have slept with numerous people. I believe women just like men should have the freedom of sleeping with however many people they want and we should be allowed to enjoy it judgement free. And I do enjoy it … sort of?Whilst not all my experiences have been awful, I put this down to being blackout drunk with liquid confidence. When I’m anywhere near sober I’m back to my 16 year old awkward, shy, ugly self. Even with years of casual hookup experience.Now after the pandemic, getting back to having sex I’ve lost any practice I had before and now feel like I am the worst person to ever have sex with. I can’t relax, once again I’m extremely awkward and the dick game just isn’t on point. I put this down to self-confidence and not physically exercising whatsoever throughout the pandemic.Now after several guys I feel like Im being used to masturbate with like an object. Everyone I sleep with I feel like they’re doing it because it’s there, not because they want me. I’ve cut sex short many times with the excuse of being “sore” when in reality I just feel so awkward and not into it that I want it to stop. Pre-sex I come across as a very confident and sexual girl so after, I feel ashamed and want to apologise for the disappointment. I do try though guys, I don’t just lie there before you think that lolWhat I’ve taken out of it is a number of things:I enjoy sex with a connection as I feel comfortable to let go a bit more.I am very insecure and I think the sex with my ex was amazing because he made me feel beautiful before, during and after sex.Lack of exercise and in general movement throughout the pandemic has made me extremely lazy in bed, being on top is a struggle for longer than a few minutes. Even my rhythm has suffered.Penetration alone doesn’t do much for me and a lot of the time that’s all you get in one night stands.So that makes it sound like I need a loving boyfriend to stop my problems ( & learn to love myself of course)…However:I don’t get feelings for people easily, I haven’t seen a future with anyone or even felt like I’ve had a strong connection with someone in over 3 years.I love meeting new people and the lead up to sex: the flirting, the attention… the game.I have a stereotypical fuck boy mindset that I take pride in ticking off a new attractive guy I’ve went on a date with or I’ve slept with. I enjoy being single.This is all a big muddle of ??? Questions for me: but I guess the thick of it is:What do you think I should do? I’m not enjoying the sex, should I stop until I meet someone that makes me comfortable? (Dilemma: I love meeting new people and I get easily carried away)How can I feel sexy in the bedroom?Any tips on how to tackle feeling lazy in bed?Any advice or words of wisdom is appreciated :)TLDR: I’ve slept with many people but I struggle with feeling confident / any good in bed.
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