Was this a case of sexual incompatibility or was I just being an insensitive jerk?

PREFACE: This happened in the past and I just want people's thoughts, and how to deal with something like it next time. Also it was both of our first and my still only real relationship. Also don't really know where else to post, can't post on RA or AITA. Just looking for how to approach/deal a similar situation if it happens again in the future. If it was just an unfortunate circumstances of two people not being compatible (ie one wants to have kids another doesn't) then whatever, but if its the latter and I'M the problem/jerk/asshole then I need to sort my stuff out because that's going to follow me wherever.

Basically when I (22M) got with my girlfriends (22F) we didn't have PIV sex for a while. Because she wanted to be on the pill when we had sex, and then because of circumstances and timing she wasn't able to get an appointment for 2ish months; in that time we basically just stuck to oral. Once she got on birth control she still insisted on using condoms for double protection because she was paranoid of getting pregnant. We did this for about 3 months until we had to go long distance for a time.

Around 6 months later she told me when I was planning my visit I didn't need to bring condoms because she was finally comfortable using just BC. A couple week later she told me that her doctor told he that because of her anxiety she can't take hormonal birth control and the only other option was the copper IUD, and she absolutely refused to do that since she was afraid of the procedure, pain and also paranoid about it ripping her uterus (she read horror stories online). The other thing was she wouldn't even consider trying other non hormonal forms like the cap, foam, spermicide, etc. she only wanted condoms or hormonal BC or copper which she couldn't have.

Also because of how paranoid she was, sex almost became mechanical and sterile. I was not even allowed to touch her vagina if I touched my dick during sex because she was that paranoid of getting pregnant. I would have to go wash my hands (I forget if her sucking my fingers off counts but its the point that matters) if I wanted to finger her or touch her there again after touching my dick. I also wouldn't get a second chance during actually PIV sex, as after I put the condom on she was not willing to blow me with the condom on or even if i took it off, I would have to wipe my dick with a wet towel before she would (to get the condom gunk/lube off). This would leave with the problem of me not being able to last long, as whenever I would get close I wasn't able to pull out and go back to foreplay or anything. )? It got to a point where towards the end we pretty much just stuck with oral because that was easier, and we could have more freedom with what and in what order we did stuff and I could last longer because of that.

Was I the asshole for pondering, and at times seriously considering, ending a relationship of 1 year over something she had no control over? Or do you guys think you should never be in a relationship like that especially if sex is something important where you almost get to the point of almost hating sex, and that ending a relationship over that is justified (ie sexual compatibility)?

What stopped me was that I couldn't help feel like an asshole for ending it over something that she had no control over, its not like she doesn't want to if she had the choice she would, she just can't physically, and mentally can't be comfortable with the other methods. But on the other hand, the thought of never getting to feel real sex with my partner and also the mechanical nature.

The relationship was a couple years ago and ended because of other reasons unrelated to sex. But its always something I wondered because part of me feels like a dick breaking up with my girlfriend over such, I guess a shallow reason, especially one that she physically can't control. The fact that she also wasn’t willing to TRY any of the other temporary methods made it so much harder. On the other hand this got to a point where I almost hated PIV sex, because it was so mechanical assembly line. Also the thought of never being able to do it raw until we decide to have kids (if we even get there) was just… yea.

ALSO NOTE: I feel like another problem was the fact that we jumped into the relationship too quickly without having sex first (for those who wanna ask why did I even go into a relationship already knowing this, I didn't.). If we did that I probably would have stopped the dating immediately when she requested that we keep using condoms even after becoming exclusive. But honestly that wouldn't even solve the problem as in the end she would still have to stop anyways (it would just be in the beginning).

TLDR: 1 year into a relationship GF found out she couldn’t take hormonal BC, scared about IUD and refused to do any other method (diaphragm, sponge, etc) for fear of pregnancy. Only left us with condoms. Seriously considered ending the relationship because of that, is this just sexual incompatibility or was I bring an insensitive ass?

Submitted July 10, 2021 at 11:44PM

PREFACE: This happened in the past and I just want people's thoughts, and how to deal with something like it next time. Also it was both of our first and my still only real relationship. Also don't really know where else to post, can't post on RA or AITA. Just looking for how to approach/deal a similar situation if it happens again in the future. If it was just an unfortunate circumstances of two people not being compatible (ie one wants to have kids another doesn't) then whatever, but if its the latter and I'M the problem/jerk/asshole then I need to sort my stuff out because that's going to follow me wherever.Basically when I (22M) got with my girlfriends (22F) we didn't have PIV sex for a while. Because she wanted to be on the pill when we had sex, and then because of circumstances and timing she wasn't able to get an appointment for 2ish months; in that time we basically just stuck to oral. Once she got on birth control she still insisted on using condoms for double protection because she was paranoid of getting pregnant. We did this for about 3 months until we had to go long distance for a time.Around 6 months later she told me when I was planning my visit I didn't need to bring condoms because she was finally comfortable using just BC. A couple week later she told me that her doctor told he that because of her anxiety she can't take hormonal birth control and the only other option was the copper IUD, and she absolutely refused to do that since she was afraid of the procedure, pain and also paranoid about it ripping her uterus (she read horror stories online). The other thing was she wouldn't even consider trying other non hormonal forms like the cap, foam, spermicide, etc. she only wanted condoms or hormonal BC or copper which she couldn't have.Also because of how paranoid she was, sex almost became mechanical and sterile. I was not even allowed to touch her vagina if I touched my dick during sex because she was that paranoid of getting pregnant. I would have to go wash my hands (I forget if her sucking my fingers off counts but its the point that matters) if I wanted to finger her or touch her there again after touching my dick. I also wouldn't get a second chance during actually PIV sex, as after I put the condom on she was not willing to blow me with the condom on or even if i took it off, I would have to wipe my dick with a wet towel before she would (to get the condom gunk/lube off). This would leave with the problem of me not being able to last long, as whenever I would get close I wasn't able to pull out and go back to foreplay or anything. )? It got to a point where towards the end we pretty much just stuck with oral because that was easier, and we could have more freedom with what and in what order we did stuff and I could last longer because of that.Was I the asshole for pondering, and at times seriously considering, ending a relationship of 1 year over something she had no control over? Or do you guys think you should never be in a relationship like that especially if sex is something important where you almost get to the point of almost hating sex, and that ending a relationship over that is justified (ie sexual compatibility)?What stopped me was that I couldn't help feel like an asshole for ending it over something that she had no control over, its not like she doesn't want to if she had the choice she would, she just can't physically, and mentally can't be comfortable with the other methods. But on the other hand, the thought of never getting to feel real sex with my partner and also the mechanical nature.The relationship was a couple years ago and ended because of other reasons unrelated to sex. But its always something I wondered because part of me feels like a dick breaking up with my girlfriend over such, I guess a shallow reason, especially one that she physically can't control. The fact that she also wasn’t willing to TRY any of the other temporary methods made it so much harder. On the other hand this got to a point where I almost hated PIV sex, because it was so mechanical assembly line. Also the thought of never being able to do it raw until we decide to have kids (if we even get there) was just… yea.ALSO NOTE: I feel like another problem was the fact that we jumped into the relationship too quickly without having sex first (for those who wanna ask why did I even go into a relationship already knowing this, I didn't.). If we did that I probably would have stopped the dating immediately when she requested that we keep using condoms even after becoming exclusive. But honestly that wouldn't even solve the problem as in the end she would still have to stop anyways (it would just be in the beginning).TLDR: 1 year into a relationship GF found out she couldn’t take hormonal BC, scared about IUD and refused to do any other method (diaphragm, sponge, etc) for fear of pregnancy. Only left us with condoms. Seriously considered ending the relationship because of that, is this just sexual incompatibility or was I bring an insensitive ass?