My (21f) bestfriend (21f) not supporting me through chemo was my last straw.

Hey guys. I’m writing this through tears, so I’m all over the place. Please bear with me.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer, got through chemotherapy, recovered, and now I’m cancer free, slowly but surely slipping back into my life.

My bestfriend, we’ve been friends since grade 7, but bestfriends since grade 10. We’ve graduated and entered the same college, but we attend different classes, and therefore only come across each other rarely.

I love her. She’s closer to being my sister than all my blood-related siblings. I hold nothing in my heart for her but love and wish her well with every bit of my being. She’s amazing, I only feel alive and happy when we meet, and I can only be myself with her.

She’s always been distant, really distant. The fact that we both major in a really challenging field makes our schedules full, so we rarely come across each other or meet. I meet her maybe 3 times in the entirety of each semester. This could’ve been solved if we regularly chatted, but we don’t. She is indifferent and entirely too distant, replies to my texts really late, does not put much energy into making up for the lack of real-life communication we have. She can go days without answering, and when she does, it’s always so brief.

More than that, she’s extremely kept to herself. Doesn’t tell me or anyone about herself or what’s going on with her, and doesn’t ask about what’s going on with me either. Only reaches out when she’s in the mood and it’s very brief and suddenly she’s gone.

I let her know, multiple times, for so many years, that her lack of contact is really irking me. That I’m not requiring her to dedicate her life to feed my need for attention, but perhaps she can say hi every couple of days, just to stay in touch. She never really changed and at times I found myself begging her to meet or talk purely for the fact that I missed her and wanted to see her.

Recently, when I was going through chemo, I received the same treatment from her. Weeks could pass and she wouldn’t ask about me, and if I was lucky enough for her to speak, she wouldn’t address my chemo or ask about how I was doing, and if she did, she’d do it really briefly. I didn’t overthink it but it really dawned on me and crushed my soul when I found out I would go in and out of sessions and my body would get thinner and I would go paler and weaker and would lose hair, and she was nowhere to be found. I thought maybe I would have my bestfriend’s support through this and maybe her behavior would change, but it didn’t. My parents would ask if she calls and I’d lie and say yes so that I don’t look pathetic in front of their eyes. I was alone and I told her I needed help and she still was no where to be found.

It went worse from there. I started thinking about things that hurt me. That she only talks when it’s convenient to her, or when she’s in the mood. I felt like if we stop being friends, it wouldn’t matter much to her. She cares mostly about herself and her convenience and it’s not normal that in our 9 years of knowing each other I would have to beg her everytime to stay in touch. I felt really hurt and weak, like a child, when I couldn’t find her support or love when I had cancer.

I talked to her. She said she was drained, she tried to help but couldn’t. Her attempts were meager and futile but that was the best she can do.

I understand that a person can be too drained to care for anyone but themselves. But she’s been like that ever since we knew each other. I asked myself and her what kind of friendship in which saying hi every couple of days would be such a task. That we are supposed to be bestfriends yet I never find her anywhere when I need her. I suggested that it’s perhaps better that we stop being friends, so then I won’t feel pathetic and lonely by her indifference and then she wouldn’t have someone nagging her every once in a while to stay in touch.

I was saving a sum of money with her, and two weeks after we last talked, she requested a common friends to return it to me.

My mind is all over the place, and I feel like my heart is being broken into pieces. I try to be always considerate and reasonable but the accumulation of her indifference and her not doing the bare minimum over so many years despite me trying to tell her made me break and I’m doubting myself and feeling selfish and inconsiderate.

I would appreciate it if someone would help me know where we’re headed. What I did wrong. Or if there anything I should keep in mind, or apologize for.

Tl;dr: my bestfriend, who’s always done below the bare-minimum in our friendship, said she was too drained to support me through my chemo. Now I’m scared our friendship might be over.

Submitted January 22, 2020 at 10:54PM

Hey guys. I’m writing this through tears, so I’m all over the place. Please bear with me.I was diagnosed with breast cancer, got through chemotherapy, recovered, and now I’m cancer free, slowly but surely slipping back into my life.My bestfriend, we’ve been friends since grade 7, but bestfriends since grade 10. We’ve graduated and entered the same college, but we attend different classes, and therefore only come across each other rarely.I love her. She’s closer to being my sister than all my blood-related siblings. I hold nothing in my heart for her but love and wish her well with every bit of my being. She’s amazing, I only feel alive and happy when we meet, and I can only be myself with her.She’s always been distant, really distant. The fact that we both major in a really challenging field makes our schedules full, so we rarely come across each other or meet. I meet her maybe 3 times in the entirety of each semester. This could’ve been solved if we regularly chatted, but we don’t. She is indifferent and entirely too distant, replies to my texts really late, does not put much energy into making up for the lack of real-life communication we have. She can go days without answering, and when she does, it’s always so brief.More than that, she’s extremely kept to herself. Doesn’t tell me or anyone about herself or what’s going on with her, and doesn’t ask about what’s going on with me either. Only reaches out when she’s in the mood and it’s very brief and suddenly she’s gone.I let her know, multiple times, for so many years, that her lack of contact is really irking me. That I’m not requiring her to dedicate her life to feed my need for attention, but perhaps she can say hi every couple of days, just to stay in touch. She never really changed and at times I found myself begging her to meet or talk purely for the fact that I missed her and wanted to see her.Recently, when I was going through chemo, I received the same treatment from her. Weeks could pass and she wouldn’t ask about me, and if I was lucky enough for her to speak, she wouldn’t address my chemo or ask about how I was doing, and if she did, she’d do it really briefly. I didn’t overthink it but it really dawned on me and crushed my soul when I found out I would go in and out of sessions and my body would get thinner and I would go paler and weaker and would lose hair, and she was nowhere to be found. I thought maybe I would have my bestfriend’s support through this and maybe her behavior would change, but it didn’t. My parents would ask if she calls and I’d lie and say yes so that I don’t look pathetic in front of their eyes. I was alone and I told her I needed help and she still was no where to be found.It went worse from there. I started thinking about things that hurt me. That she only talks when it’s convenient to her, or when she’s in the mood. I felt like if we stop being friends, it wouldn’t matter much to her. She cares mostly about herself and her convenience and it’s not normal that in our 9 years of knowing each other I would have to beg her everytime to stay in touch. I felt really hurt and weak, like a child, when I couldn’t find her support or love when I had cancer.I talked to her. She said she was drained, she tried to help but couldn’t. Her attempts were meager and futile but that was the best she can do.I understand that a person can be too drained to care for anyone but themselves. But she’s been like that ever since we knew each other. I asked myself and her what kind of friendship in which saying hi every couple of days would be such a task. That we are supposed to be bestfriends yet I never find her anywhere when I need her. I suggested that it’s perhaps better that we stop being friends, so then I won’t feel pathetic and lonely by her indifference and then she wouldn’t have someone nagging her every once in a while to stay in touch.I was saving a sum of money with her, and two weeks after we last talked, she requested a common friends to return it to me.My mind is all over the place, and I feel like my heart is being broken into pieces. I try to be always considerate and reasonable but the accumulation of her indifference and her not doing the bare minimum over so many years despite me trying to tell her made me break and I’m doubting myself and feeling selfish and inconsiderate.I would appreciate it if someone would help me know where we’re headed. What I did wrong. Or if there anything I should keep in mind, or apologize for.Tl;dr: my bestfriend, who’s always done below the bare-minimum in our friendship, said she was too drained to support me through my chemo. Now I’m scared our friendship might be over.