had a terrible experience with a close friend and i’m worried i’ll lose her

i’m a 19M if that matters. my friend is someone i’ve known since middle school, but we only became friends this past year after working together. i’ve had a crush on her for about 3 months but never acted because she was in a relationship and i don’t have a car. she broke up with her boyfriend over a month ago, calling me after the fact crying. i did my best to comfort her. she talked a lot about her relationship issues with me while she was dating her ex and i never knew if it was because she either trusted me enough to reveal stuff this personal or maybe liked me back a little. we’d tease each other and joke about hooking up while she was with her ex but it was nothing serious at all.

she’d regularly tell me how horny she’d get after her breakup and that she was considering a hookup with someone. i didn’t want to put myself out there because i still couldn’t tell if she liked me back and she was on tinder talking to several guys, though she never met them irl. last week she facetimed me and after an hour finally got the courage to ask me if i’d like to hook up. i was impressed at how surprised she was when i agreed because i was sure she knew of my feeling for her. she made me promise to not catch any feelings, which made me confess how i felt about her. i figured it was better than letting her know sometime after the fact, causing her to think i was shallow. she calmly told me she wasn’t looking for a relationship and was rethinking the whole thing because she didn’t want to risk losing me. i promised it wouldn’t be that way.

she came to my place a few nights ago. she suggested getting alcohol to make it easier for both of us, me especially(being a virgin). i agreed and after getting drunk off jack and coke she told me she wanted to start kissing. this was my first time getting drunk. she took her shirt off and i was kissing her all over, she gave me permission to touch her breasts, and i playfully started taking her bra off because i wanted to suck on her nipples. i remember her telling me no so i didn’t take it off but i did continue slipping my hands underneath it, which she said nothing about. it absolutely wasn’t my intention to make her any bit uncomfortable. after a few minutes she took her bra off and let me do what i wanted. i started to ask her if i could eat her out because i felt like it’s what she’d want. she said no so i didn’t act upon it but i kept asking and started to feel up on her ass. i slipped my fingers underneath her underwear once but didn’t go any further. this was not because i was a horny bastard, i was actually nervous as hell. i knew i was going up against her ex who was apparently great in bed. my intention for repeatedly asking if i could go down on her was to convey how much i cared about pleasing her. i figured the no’s would eventually turn to a yes because she seemed happy. she was smiling and laughing the whole time and her tone was anything but serious. i want to clarify that i wasn’t simply repeating myself over and over again. i was mostly telling her how beautiful she was. i asked to go down on her maybe 5 times in a span of 20 minutes. i also want to clarify that i would never force myself upon her simply because i assume she’d change her mind. she’d need give me consent or do it herself.

she eventually took her underwear off and let me eat her out and.... well, i did my best. probably wasn’t too great for her. i was scared of going too hard with it due to how easy it looked to get up in there, but man was i wrong. if i did it properly my tongue would’ve been exhausted. i could tell she wasn’t feeling it so i asked if it was time for piv sex. she didn’t say no to that, asking only to see what condoms i had. after picking, i realized i wasn’t hard enough to go in. everything past kissing was uncharted territory for me. when we were making out i was in a state of total bliss but when she agreed to move past that i was completely out of my element. i tried to put it in, assuming it would get harder shortly after but i couldn’t. she tried getting on top and helping me but nothing. shortly after, she politely told me she wasn’t in the mood. i asked if she’d please wait just a few more minutes, but it was almost a relief she refused because there’s no way i would’ve got an erection. i asked if we could try again a few days later and she said no.

while we were waiting on her uber, i tried to say something along the lines of, “what if i cancelled this uber so we can talk about it real fast, then i’ll get you another one” but for some odd reason i got choked up and stopped talking right after “uber.” that made me seem super fucking creepy, but for some reason i didn’t correct myself.

in my mind, i had simply disappointed her. nothing else. i texted her the day after apologizing, saying i had fun. she said she did too. we got a little deeper until she finally said something along the lines of “try to control yourself better next time tho.” confused, i asked if i made her do anything she didn’t want to, to which she said yes. she said she only let things move past kissing out of pity. she took my constant asking to eat her out as weird. she took my trying to stick my half hard dick in her as desperate and stupid. she didn’t like what i did with her bra and underwear. in an effort to be harmless and playful, i was actually telling her that if she didn’t take her clothes off, i would. in an effort to show her how much i cared about making her feel good, i came off as a needy horndog. as i’ve explained, these were not my intentions. i felt like a piece of shit and started crying after she unloaded everything. i feel like i raped her. i explained my side to her and asked if she believed me, to which she responded, “i guess.”

she’s my best friend. i talk to her every day, i get excited from her notifications, she makes me want to better myself, and i can’t stand losing her. i wouldn’t knowingly do anything to jeopardize our relationship. i asked if she could come over soon because i want to hug her and tell her how sorry i am in person, but she said she’s only comfortable if she brings her friend. i keep wanting to talk to her about it to further apologize and remind her of how much of a misunderstanding there was, but she keeps telling me it’s fine and she’s over it, which i know isn’t true. i’m fine with hanging out with her and others until she becomes comfortable with me alone again, but is there anything i can say or do that will fix this even in a small way? i love her.

Submitted November 12, 2019 at 11:09PM

i’m a 19M if that matters. my friend is someone i’ve known since middle school, but we only became friends this past year after working together. i’ve had a crush on her for about 3 months but never acted because she was in a relationship and i don’t have a car. she broke up with her boyfriend over a month ago, calling me after the fact crying. i did my best to comfort her. she talked a lot about her relationship issues with me while she was dating her ex and i never knew if it was because she either trusted me enough to reveal stuff this personal or maybe liked me back a little. we’d tease each other and joke about hooking up while she was with her ex but it was nothing serious at all.she’d regularly tell me how horny she’d get after her breakup and that she was considering a hookup with someone. i didn’t want to put myself out there because i still couldn’t tell if she liked me back and she was on tinder talking to several guys, though she never met them irl. last week she facetimed me and after an hour finally got the courage to ask me if i’d like to hook up. i was impressed at how surprised she was when i agreed because i was sure she knew of my feeling for her. she made me promise to not catch any feelings, which made me confess how i felt about her. i figured it was better than letting her know sometime after the fact, causing her to think i was shallow. she calmly told me she wasn’t looking for a relationship and was rethinking the whole thing because she didn’t want to risk losing me. i promised it wouldn’t be that way.she came to my place a few nights ago. she suggested getting alcohol to make it easier for both of us, me especially(being a virgin). i agreed and after getting drunk off jack and coke she told me she wanted to start kissing. this was my first time getting drunk. she took her shirt off and i was kissing her all over, she gave me permission to touch her breasts, and i playfully started taking her bra off because i wanted to suck on her nipples. i remember her telling me no so i didn’t take it off but i did continue slipping my hands underneath it, which she said nothing about. it absolutely wasn’t my intention to make her any bit uncomfortable. after a few minutes she took her bra off and let me do what i wanted. i started to ask her if i could eat her out because i felt like it’s what she’d want. she said no so i didn’t act upon it but i kept asking and started to feel up on her ass. i slipped my fingers underneath her underwear once but didn’t go any further. this was not because i was a horny bastard, i was actually nervous as hell. i knew i was going up against her ex who was apparently great in bed. my intention for repeatedly asking if i could go down on her was to convey how much i cared about pleasing her. i figured the no’s would eventually turn to a yes because she seemed happy. she was smiling and laughing the whole time and her tone was anything but serious. i want to clarify that i wasn’t simply repeating myself over and over again. i was mostly telling her how beautiful she was. i asked to go down on her maybe 5 times in a span of 20 minutes. i also want to clarify that i would never force myself upon her simply because i assume she’d change her mind. she’d need give me consent or do it herself.she eventually took her underwear off and let me eat her out and.... well, i did my best. probably wasn’t too great for her. i was scared of going too hard with it due to how easy it looked to get up in there, but man was i wrong. if i did it properly my tongue would’ve been exhausted. i could tell she wasn’t feeling it so i asked if it was time for piv sex. she didn’t say no to that, asking only to see what condoms i had. after picking, i realized i wasn’t hard enough to go in. everything past kissing was uncharted territory for me. when we were making out i was in a state of total bliss but when she agreed to move past that i was completely out of my element. i tried to put it in, assuming it would get harder shortly after but i couldn’t. she tried getting on top and helping me but nothing. shortly after, she politely told me she wasn’t in the mood. i asked if she’d please wait just a few more minutes, but it was almost a relief she refused because there’s no way i would’ve got an erection. i asked if we could try again a few days later and she said no.while we were waiting on her uber, i tried to say something along the lines of, “what if i cancelled this uber so we can talk about it real fast, then i’ll get you another one” but for some odd reason i got choked up and stopped talking right after “uber.” that made me seem super fucking creepy, but for some reason i didn’t correct myself.in my mind, i had simply disappointed her. nothing else. i texted her the day after apologizing, saying i had fun. she said she did too. we got a little deeper until she finally said something along the lines of “try to control yourself better next time tho.” confused, i asked if i made her do anything she didn’t want to, to which she said yes. she said she only let things move past kissing out of pity. she took my constant asking to eat her out as weird. she took my trying to stick my half hard dick in her as desperate and stupid. she didn’t like what i did with her bra and underwear. in an effort to be harmless and playful, i was actually telling her that if she didn’t take her clothes off, i would. in an effort to show her how much i cared about making her feel good, i came off as a needy horndog. as i’ve explained, these were not my intentions. i felt like a piece of shit and started crying after she unloaded everything. i feel like i raped her. i explained my side to her and asked if she believed me, to which she responded, “i guess.”she’s my best friend. i talk to her every day, i get excited from her notifications, she makes me want to better myself, and i can’t stand losing her. i wouldn’t knowingly do anything to jeopardize our relationship. i asked if she could come over soon because i want to hug her and tell her how sorry i am in person, but she said she’s only comfortable if she brings her friend. i keep wanting to talk to her about it to further apologize and remind her of how much of a misunderstanding there was, but she keeps telling me it’s fine and she’s over it, which i know isn’t true. i’m fine with hanging out with her and others until she becomes comfortable with me alone again, but is there anything i can say or do that will fix this even in a small way? i love her.