Always taking punishment

I (F) ... I hate airing my dirty laundry but here goes.

I've done some shoddy things in the past to people- In particular I Lied about interest in someone else while with a boyfriend and once with someone I was going* to be in a relationship with. It was with the same person.. I later married that person I tried to conceal. Twice, I was discovered and the people I once knew and loved both turned against me. I took the brunt of the fury. I am a proud person but I let myself be publically humiliated, basically laid over and showed my belly to the angry person/s and took all their wrath, miserably and for some time, for months or for years through deprecation, assault, accusation, whatever. I knew it was just a momentary reaction to a feeling. I felt I deserved it. I know I have not been consistent with love or I have made consistently selfish decisions which I finally sealed by marrying the person I screwed over person time and time again for. This person then made my life a living hell. I guess what comes around goes around.

I know that people are fickle, people are ever changing, they can be selfish, they can be pleasure seekers, no one is perfect,.. some though are close. But how much is too much. I allowed myself to be punished again and again, until their wrath mixed with their love became dangerous and threatening. I thought it fair for my selfishness and my lies so I allowed it in certain circumstances. I've been the one to leave in most relationships and have caused the other person to react in extreme anger. This has happened over 3 times, whether in desperation or vengeance, I sat and took the shit. But now frankly old patterns remain the same. How long should I feel bad for doing wrong, how long before I say too much is too much. Even people who do wrong things don't deserve to be punished eternally for what they do. I am not of the belief to even punish those who hurt me because it seems immature, cruel, and pointless.

I made the decision to abandon all my other endeavours" for that one' by marrying him because I knew I'd screw someone over again in time for him. It would just be a matter of time, and I didnt want to be married to someone and have kids and break my home for him. I seem to continuously conform to someone else's satisfaction or dissatisfaction. I try to make them feel better about the fact they had to handle shit from me. I enabled this 'punishment' to reach far and wide so that they know that I didn't mean harm and that I was a fool. I have a weird way if not cutting things off but trying to heal from a distance. I felt this way one way. I am much more scared to cut people off.. at the end of the day, I am not a pushover as I seem. I just took the doctors orders, and that was taking shit from someone I cared about and I hurt, to ease them and to show them I made a mistake and I knew.

What is a better way to confront my bullshit and" be sincere in my deep regret? Is there really some way to do that without just leaving the person's life? I don't know. Sorry this seems like mindless ramble of a pushover masochist that enables others I don't know

Submitted November 06, 2019 at 12:11AM

I (F) ... I hate airing my dirty laundry but here goes.I've done some shoddy things in the past to people- In particular I Lied about interest in someone else while with a boyfriend and once with someone I was going* to be in a relationship with. It was with the same person.. I later married that person I tried to conceal. Twice, I was discovered and the people I once knew and loved both turned against me. I took the brunt of the fury. I am a proud person but I let myself be publically humiliated, basically laid over and showed my belly to the angry person/s and took all their wrath, miserably and for some time, for months or for years through deprecation, assault, accusation, whatever. I knew it was just a momentary reaction to a feeling. I felt I deserved it. I know I have not been consistent with love or I have made consistently selfish decisions which I finally sealed by marrying the person I screwed over person time and time again for. This person then made my life a living hell. I guess what comes around goes around.I know that people are fickle, people are ever changing, they can be selfish, they can be pleasure seekers, no one is perfect,.. some though are close. But how much is too much. I allowed myself to be punished again and again, until their wrath mixed with their love became dangerous and threatening. I thought it fair for my selfishness and my lies so I allowed it in certain circumstances. I've been the one to leave in most relationships and have caused the other person to react in extreme anger. This has happened over 3 times, whether in desperation or vengeance, I sat and took the shit. But now frankly old patterns remain the same. How long should I feel bad for doing wrong, how long before I say too much is too much. Even people who do wrong things don't deserve to be punished eternally for what they do. I am not of the belief to even punish those who hurt me because it seems immature, cruel, and pointless.I made the decision to abandon all my other endeavours" for that one' by marrying him because I knew I'd screw someone over again in time for him. It would just be a matter of time, and I didnt want to be married to someone and have kids and break my home for him. I seem to continuously conform to someone else's satisfaction or dissatisfaction. I try to make them feel better about the fact they had to handle shit from me. I enabled this 'punishment' to reach far and wide so that they know that I didn't mean harm and that I was a fool. I have a weird way if not cutting things off but trying to heal from a distance. I felt this way one way. I am much more scared to cut people off.. at the end of the day, I am not a pushover as I seem. I just took the doctors orders, and that was taking shit from someone I cared about and I hurt, to ease them and to show them I made a mistake and I knew.What is a better way to confront my bullshit and" be sincere in my deep regret? Is there really some way to do that without just leaving the person's life? I don't know. Sorry this seems like mindless ramble of a pushover masochist that enables others I don't know