My (26 M) boyfriend (22 M) has *legitimate* issues to deal with, but they're burning me out

I've been with my boyfriend for 13 months, during which he's been dealing with several legitimate problems that I'll get to shortly. For the last few months, he has been extra-stressed with these issues, to the point it's hugely interfering with our interactions, and I'm beginning to feel burned out.

The biggest issue is related to his job and money. He's being overworked at his job and isn't paid overtime, but that's how it is for people at the entry point for the career he wants. His family has money and health issues that he feels he needs to support. He needs to see a therapist but cannot afford it right now plus claims his work won't allow him to leave the office during the day.

When I tell him that he's positioned to be paid comfortably in a handful of years, he says he needs more money now. When I say that other people leave his office for appointments so he should be able to as well, he says that he can't because working hard is how he'll get ahead. These are real struggles, yes, but he believes the situation is worse than it actually is.

If I try to calm him down by listening and trying to empathize, he'll just spiral and get depressed. If I try to call out and counter his negative thoughts, or paint a positive future, he'll switch to trying to convince me how bad his life is, which also makes him spiral and get depressed. I get that he's in a frustrating situation, and I am fortunate enough to not have those struggles, but any attempt to cheer him up fails and just frustrates me.

Lately I'm finding myself getting angry. My help does nothing, and not helping means I'm ignoring comments like "my life will suck forever", or "I need something to change or I'll snap".

I don't know what to do--his problems are real. I want to support him, but also think both of us have the responsibility to hold our own problems. I want to be supportive of his struggles but right now I'm becoming more miserable because of his negative spirals.

He kind of acts like we've been married for 20 years with kids when it comes to resolving problems. He acts as if there's complete relationship security (possibly because he's younger). It's as if everything right now is give-and-take, and doesn't realize that we should both still be weighing up what life with each other means, and if it would make us happy. (Although note his problems will get better with time.)

What should I do? Next time he's stressing out, how do I handle it?

​

TL;DR: My boyfriend is dealing with real problems. He's getting miserable around me due to them, and my attempts to make him feel better never work. Now I'm miserable too.



Submitted October 24, 2019 at 11:59PM

I've been with my boyfriend for 13 months, during which he's been dealing with several legitimate problems that I'll get to shortly. For the last few months, he has been extra-stressed with these issues, to the point it's hugely interfering with our interactions, and I'm beginning to feel burned out.The biggest issue is related to his job and money. He's being overworked at his job and isn't paid overtime, but that's how it is for people at the entry point for the career he wants. His family has money and health issues that he feels he needs to support. He needs to see a therapist but cannot afford it right now plus claims his work won't allow him to leave the office during the day.When I tell him that he's positioned to be paid comfortably in a handful of years, he says he needs more money now. When I say that other people leave his office for appointments so he should be able to as well, he says that he can't because working hard is how he'll get ahead. These are real struggles, yes, but he believes the situation is worse than it actually is.If I try to calm him down by listening and trying to empathize, he'll just spiral and get depressed. If I try to call out and counter his negative thoughts, or paint a positive future, he'll switch to trying to convince me how bad his life is, which also makes him spiral and get depressed. I get that he's in a frustrating situation, and I am fortunate enough to not have those struggles, but any attempt to cheer him up fails and just frustrates me.Lately I'm finding myself getting angry. My help does nothing, and not helping means I'm ignoring comments like "my life will suck forever", or "I need something to change or I'll snap".I don't know what to do--his problems are real. I want to support him, but also think both of us have the responsibility to hold our own problems. I want to be supportive of his struggles but right now I'm becoming more miserable because of his negative spirals.He kind of acts like we've been married for 20 years with kids when it comes to resolving problems. He acts as if there's complete relationship security (possibly because he's younger). It's as if everything right now is give-and-take, and doesn't realize that we should both still be weighing up what life with each other means, and if it would make us happy. (Although note his problems will get better with time.)What should I do? Next time he's stressing out, how do I handle it?​TL;DR: My boyfriend is dealing with real problems. He's getting miserable around me due to them, and my attempts to make him feel better never work. Now I'm miserable too.
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