I (28F) want to ask out my friend (30M) but am not sure he'd be interested if he knew more about me

So, I've been getting the impression a friend that I like might be interested in dating me. I'm definitely interested, and a part of me wants to just ask him out, but I worry that there's too much important info he doesn't know about me.

Firstly, I haven't really "dated" before - I had two relationships in my teens but they were straight into relationships without really any "dating" period, and I would definitely want to take things slower/try dating to get to know each other better before I would want to have like... an "official" relationship or whatever.

And more importantly, there's the reasons that I haven't been in a relationship since that last one ended. There are two main reasons that go hand in hand - 1) I am asexual, and have no interest in having sex but find it hard to believe someone else would be interested in a relationship with no sex, and 2) my last relationship was emotionally manipulative and my ex used my sexuality to guilt me into situations I was not comfortable with, and it's had a pretty negative affect on my overall mental health/my ability to trust other people. It's been almost nine years since that relationship ended, and I feel like I have made a lot of progress but I still worry that I'm going to end up in a relationship with someone else who will treat me the same way, intentionally or not.

I don't know how to bring these things up with this dude without seeming presumptuous, like I'm assuming he wants to date me without us having talked about that. But I also don't really want to ask him out or agree to date him without him knowing these things about me, because that feels kind of deceptive and like I'm intentionally wasting his time if he wouldn't be interested after knowing these things.

I know I can just... not ask him out, which is kind of my MO (though really, this is the first person I've really wanted to date in a long time), but I've been getting the feeling he might be thinking of asking me out and if he does I need to know how best to broach these topics, if at all.

Is it better to just go along with however this plays out and tell him at a later date? Or to make sure he knows these things about me before we go on any dates? Or just give up on the whole thing?

TL;DR - I'm asexual and was in a kind of abusive relationship before, and haven't dated anyone in 9 years, and I don't know how/when to bring these up with a friend I'd like to date.



Submitted October 12, 2019 at 11:22PM

So, I've been getting the impression a friend that I like might be interested in dating me. I'm definitely interested, and a part of me wants to just ask him out, but I worry that there's too much important info he doesn't know about me.Firstly, I haven't really "dated" before - I had two relationships in my teens but they were straight into relationships without really any "dating" period, and I would definitely want to take things slower/try dating to get to know each other better before I would want to have like... an "official" relationship or whatever.And more importantly, there's the reasons that I haven't been in a relationship since that last one ended. There are two main reasons that go hand in hand - 1) I am asexual, and have no interest in having sex but find it hard to believe someone else would be interested in a relationship with no sex, and 2) my last relationship was emotionally manipulative and my ex used my sexuality to guilt me into situations I was not comfortable with, and it's had a pretty negative affect on my overall mental health/my ability to trust other people. It's been almost nine years since that relationship ended, and I feel like I have made a lot of progress but I still worry that I'm going to end up in a relationship with someone else who will treat me the same way, intentionally or not.I don't know how to bring these things up with this dude without seeming presumptuous, like I'm assuming he wants to date me without us having talked about that. But I also don't really want to ask him out or agree to date him without him knowing these things about me, because that feels kind of deceptive and like I'm intentionally wasting his time if he wouldn't be interested after knowing these things.I know I can just... not ask him out, which is kind of my MO (though really, this is the first person I've really wanted to date in a long time), but I've been getting the feeling he might be thinking of asking me out and if he does I need to know how best to broach these topics, if at all.Is it better to just go along with however this plays out and tell him at a later date? Or to make sure he knows these things about me before we go on any dates? Or just give up on the whole thing?TL;DR - I'm asexual and was in a kind of abusive relationship before, and haven't dated anyone in 9 years, and I don't know how/when to bring these up with a friend I'd like to date.
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