My crush might be lesbian, but she doesn't know I'm a trans girl. A very difficult communication situation...

Note: This situation is really quite a mess, and usually, I don't ask the Internet for help, so you know that I'm really in some deep trouble. Sorry for the long post—I hope you will read through it and help me out.

I am a 19-year-old INTJ closeted trans girl who is kind of androgynous. My crush is a 20-year-old possibly INFJ suspected-lesbian. We met in college last year in a weekly art club. I let myself develop a crush on her because I assumed she liked girls and that I could pursue her after I transitioned. I looked more masculine back then because I had not started hormone replacement therapy.

A few weeks after meeting this girl, I texted her to invite her to play table tennis with me in the gym the next day. She said yes, so I was really quite excited. I considered this a date, but I don't know what she thought of it. The next day, she said that a project was taking longer than expected, so she couldn't make it. Nevertheless, she proposed rescheduling. Well, it turns out that she was busy every weekend after that, for I asked her every weekend and she never had time. I later realized that this behavior probably came off as needy and inconsiderate, so I apologized and she accepted.

In the club, I started to act differently. I'm still not sure why I acted this way, but every week in the art club, I would ask my crush clinical-sounding questions about her background. For example, I might say something like "What do your parents do?" without any trace of emotion, and she'd answer much in the same way I asked. It was really puzzling for me back then, for I thought she was randomly being cold to me. I don't know if it matters, but I think I may have a mild case of autism; certainly my middle school self seemed to have some social impairment, though I believe I've improved enough to blend in with society rather inconspicuously.

During this period of coldness, I tried several times to converse with my crush over text, but she did not want to talk because she was always "busy." She was polite but cold, but perhaps I seemed so, too. Also, this seems insignificant to me, but one time in the art club, some other girl sketched me in chalk on the blackboard, adding a row of grass-like strokes above the upper lip. I asked her politely to erase those strokes and she asked why. I said something about being uncomfortable with that area—this was before I started laser hair removal—and maybe I mentioned "dysphoria." My crush was spectating this interaction and kind of raised an eyebrow when I gave my justification. I mention this incident because it is evidence that my crush might suspect that I'm trans. I think she doesn't really think much of it, though, but I definitely do believe that she knows I like her.

During the second semester, I started walking with my crush back to our dorm after the art club meetings. These were our first (and sadly last) private conversations. We made friendly talk, and I felt we were getting closer, so I was really happy that the period of coldness had ended. Nevertheless, the enjoyableness of texting was never restored. At the end of the school year, we were not friends, but she at least was willing to walk with me for 5 minutes every week. I was really obsessed with her, though, and the last time we saw each other, I gave her a three-and-a-half-page handwritten letter basically saying that I was sorry for being inconsiderate, that I would actively work on my communication skills, and that I really wanted to get to know her, no matter how long it takes, and don't want her to be "just another passerby on the walk of life."

Summer passed, and we did not text at all. Now we're back at school and I'm in great distress because after I texted her that I hope she had a nice summer and that I want to tell her a few things, the message was not even read. In the past, she always at least read my messages. For instance, I might recommend a piece of music to her, and she wouldn't respond, but she would at least read the message. Now I'm really freaking out because my plan was to be honest and come out to her. I feel like she thought for the whole year that I was a straight guy pursuing someone I believed to be a straight girl, but in reality, I'm a gay girl pursuing someone I think is a also gay girl. Perhaps she's ignoring my texts because she doesn't want to have to tell me that she's not interested in guys. If this is the case, then we've basically always had a huge misunderstanding that's easily solved by being honest with each other. I feel like my crush doesn't hate me, and we could actually be great friends had I not expressed interest so early. In the art club, she laughs genuinely at my humorous offerings and she even imitates certain speech quirks I have, like calling the current day "tomorrow" after midnight passes. Our personalities are similar and at the beginning, there was a really special connection that I felt with her. However, I'm not sure if this misunderstanding is really the case, for what if she's actually straight and just doesn't like me? In that case, I would have a really hard time accepting it, but I'll eventually have to move on and remain single until I feel like getting into a relationship with another girl would be fair to her—it wouldn't be fair immediately because I'd feel like if my current crush, say, suddenly started to want a relationship with me, I'd feel bad about doing this, but I'd end my actual relationship in a heartbeat.

I'm afraid that if I text her again, she won't read it. What if she has blocked me? Perhaps the letter I wrote totally freaked her out. She could have consulted her family, who maybe warned that I'm manipulative, delusional, etc. and that she should cut communication with me permanently. Perhaps this is truly the case, for there have been 3 art club meetings so far, and she has not come to even one. She could have stopped going because she's afraid of seeing me. But maybe it's just because she's moved to a farther location and doesn't want to walk so much. Due to her absence, a mutual friend of ours (who has neither of our cell phone numbers) has even said that she misses her. I'm not really close with this friend but I plan to tell her about this issue soon.

This situation is really tricky because my crush has not spoken about her sexuality, and neither have I about my gender identity and possible autism. I don't know what her view of all this is, but I doubt it's the full picture. If I could start all over with her, there are many things I'd do differently. I'd open up to her a lot earlier but not pursue her so purposefully. I'd still be the same person, and I imagine we could eventually enter a healthy relationship just because the circumstances and timing permit it. It would feel so natural for things to progress that way; it's really so easy to imagine that had I been more tactful last year, we could be girlfriends by now.

I feel like I've been cheated out of the possibility of a lifetime of ideal companionship. I often think to myself, what terrible thing must I have done in my last life to deserve this? (I'm not religious, but this thought haunts me regardless.) Even if I contact my crush and she reads my message, she will think I am someone different than I really am. Honestly, I've struggled with this my whole life; I always feel misunderstood. My classmates often treat me like I'm a database, computer, or robot devoid of emotion, and for some reason, I feel like I'm rarely treated as an equal in social situations.

Anyway, this is my plea for help. Because I said that there is a possibility that one honest conversation could fix everything, I don't see the value of comments that just say something like "it's best to move on." This is a weird situation that I don't think very many people have had to deal with, so you might have to extrapolate. Thank you for reading and I really hope you can provide useful advice.

Submitted September 25, 2019 at 11:59PM

Note: This situation is really quite a mess, and usually, I don't ask the Internet for help, so you know that I'm really in some deep trouble. Sorry for the long post—I hope you will read through it and help me out.I am a 19-year-old INTJ closeted trans girl who is kind of androgynous. My crush is a 20-year-old possibly INFJ suspected-lesbian. We met in college last year in a weekly art club. I let myself develop a crush on her because I assumed she liked girls and that I could pursue her after I transitioned. I looked more masculine back then because I had not started hormone replacement therapy.A few weeks after meeting this girl, I texted her to invite her to play table tennis with me in the gym the next day. She said yes, so I was really quite excited. I considered this a date, but I don't know what she thought of it. The next day, she said that a project was taking longer than expected, so she couldn't make it. Nevertheless, she proposed rescheduling. Well, it turns out that she was busy every weekend after that, for I asked her every weekend and she never had time. I later realized that this behavior probably came off as needy and inconsiderate, so I apologized and she accepted.In the club, I started to act differently. I'm still not sure why I acted this way, but every week in the art club, I would ask my crush clinical-sounding questions about her background. For example, I might say something like "What do your parents do?" without any trace of emotion, and she'd answer much in the same way I asked. It was really puzzling for me back then, for I thought she was randomly being cold to me. I don't know if it matters, but I think I may have a mild case of autism; certainly my middle school self seemed to have some social impairment, though I believe I've improved enough to blend in with society rather inconspicuously.During this period of coldness, I tried several times to converse with my crush over text, but she did not want to talk because she was always "busy." She was polite but cold, but perhaps I seemed so, too. Also, this seems insignificant to me, but one time in the art club, some other girl sketched me in chalk on the blackboard, adding a row of grass-like strokes above the upper lip. I asked her politely to erase those strokes and she asked why. I said something about being uncomfortable with that area—this was before I started laser hair removal—and maybe I mentioned "dysphoria." My crush was spectating this interaction and kind of raised an eyebrow when I gave my justification. I mention this incident because it is evidence that my crush might suspect that I'm trans. I think she doesn't really think much of it, though, but I definitely do believe that she knows I like her.During the second semester, I started walking with my crush back to our dorm after the art club meetings. These were our first (and sadly last) private conversations. We made friendly talk, and I felt we were getting closer, so I was really happy that the period of coldness had ended. Nevertheless, the enjoyableness of texting was never restored. At the end of the school year, we were not friends, but she at least was willing to walk with me for 5 minutes every week. I was really obsessed with her, though, and the last time we saw each other, I gave her a three-and-a-half-page handwritten letter basically saying that I was sorry for being inconsiderate, that I would actively work on my communication skills, and that I really wanted to get to know her, no matter how long it takes, and don't want her to be "just another passerby on the walk of life."Summer passed, and we did not text at all. Now we're back at school and I'm in great distress because after I texted her that I hope she had a nice summer and that I want to tell her a few things, the message was not even read. In the past, she always at least read my messages. For instance, I might recommend a piece of music to her, and she wouldn't respond, but she would at least read the message. Now I'm really freaking out because my plan was to be honest and come out to her. I feel like she thought for the whole year that I was a straight guy pursuing someone I believed to be a straight girl, but in reality, I'm a gay girl pursuing someone I think is a also gay girl. Perhaps she's ignoring my texts because she doesn't want to have to tell me that she's not interested in guys. If this is the case, then we've basically always had a huge misunderstanding that's easily solved by being honest with each other. I feel like my crush doesn't hate me, and we could actually be great friends had I not expressed interest so early. In the art club, she laughs genuinely at my humorous offerings and she even imitates certain speech quirks I have, like calling the current day "tomorrow" after midnight passes. Our personalities are similar and at the beginning, there was a really special connection that I felt with her. However, I'm not sure if this misunderstanding is really the case, for what if she's actually straight and just doesn't like me? In that case, I would have a really hard time accepting it, but I'll eventually have to move on and remain single until I feel like getting into a relationship with another girl would be fair to her—it wouldn't be fair immediately because I'd feel like if my current crush, say, suddenly started to want a relationship with me, I'd feel bad about doing this, but I'd end my actual relationship in a heartbeat.I'm afraid that if I text her again, she won't read it. What if she has blocked me? Perhaps the letter I wrote totally freaked her out. She could have consulted her family, who maybe warned that I'm manipulative, delusional, etc. and that she should cut communication with me permanently. Perhaps this is truly the case, for there have been 3 art club meetings so far, and she has not come to even one. She could have stopped going because she's afraid of seeing me. But maybe it's just because she's moved to a farther location and doesn't want to walk so much. Due to her absence, a mutual friend of ours (who has neither of our cell phone numbers) has even said that she misses her. I'm not really close with this friend but I plan to tell her about this issue soon.This situation is really tricky because my crush has not spoken about her sexuality, and neither have I about my gender identity and possible autism. I don't know what her view of all this is, but I doubt it's the full picture. If I could start all over with her, there are many things I'd do differently. I'd open up to her a lot earlier but not pursue her so purposefully. I'd still be the same person, and I imagine we could eventually enter a healthy relationship just because the circumstances and timing permit it. It would feel so natural for things to progress that way; it's really so easy to imagine that had I been more tactful last year, we could be girlfriends by now.I feel like I've been cheated out of the possibility of a lifetime of ideal companionship. I often think to myself, what terrible thing must I have done in my last life to deserve this? (I'm not religious, but this thought haunts me regardless.) Even if I contact my crush and she reads my message, she will think I am someone different than I really am. Honestly, I've struggled with this my whole life; I always feel misunderstood. My classmates often treat me like I'm a database, computer, or robot devoid of emotion, and for some reason, I feel like I'm rarely treated as an equal in social situations.Anyway, this is my plea for help. Because I said that there is a possibility that one honest conversation could fix everything, I don't see the value of comments that just say something like "it's best to move on." This is a weird situation that I don't think very many people have had to deal with, so you might have to extrapolate. Thank you for reading and I really hope you can provide useful advice.