The difference between "second choice" and understanding someone needing closure?

Hello reddit, I'm standing in a bit of a moral corner here. Without going into too much detail (I'll indulge if it helps the answer) I (23f) was in a relationship with my ex (23m) for about 8 months. We started dating just after he was forced to stop seeing someone that he cared about because she was dragging him through the mud and his friends pulled him out of it before he could see "if it would have worked out or not". He understands why they did it, but still never really had closure with the girl.

Shortly afterwards we wound up dating and I had an extreme complex (see:jealousy) over the fact that they still talked while he was obsessive over her. I was also extremely emotionally unstable at the time (started meds 6 months ago so I'm much better now). The timing of it all and my inability to effectively communicate about the situation without getting mad, combined with his own mental issues and inability to handle me when I was in that state created a pretty toxic environment if certain, specific issues arose. But when that wasn't going on everything else was fantastic. We grew a lot as people and worked together and had fun and sex was great. But in the end, the things I said above dug our relationships grave very slowly.

Now that we've officially been apart for a while, and I'm on medication, we had a really in depth and honest conversation about everything stated. We agreed we both need to learn to focus on ourselves and not a significant other. He said that if given the chance he would like to have a shot with the other woman again to see for sure if it was doomed or not. But at the same time, that he would date me again also in a heartbeat if we both learned how to get our shit together so we werent toxic anymore. Both revolving around communication and dealing with mental illness.

I mentioned this to my friend, and she told me pretty bluntly that I essenciay gave him the okay to treat me as second choice. Which is was festered along with jealousy early on due to the timing.

But now that I see clearer, I dont know if that is the case and i just dont want to admit it. Or if it's a natural thing to agree to since people can definitely fall in love with multiple people at one time.

He mentioned that we both quite literally fulfill the two sides of what he needs. One being clingy and loving (but a little too much so) and the other being more independant, giving him time for himself but also going out and having fun with him (but not enough emotional connection)

The dude did literally all he could for me despite both of us being ill. He took care of me when I needed it, or when I was just being needy. He waited for me to get help before doing anything with the relationship to make sure I would be okay, saying that it wasnt the plan all along, but he was worried. He let me be the clingy irrational mess I was and did his best to keep me calm in an, honestly, very hostile place to be in from his perspective. And that's from my POV. And even now he is still in my life because we both treasure each other in our lives even without the relationship. So I really dont think he has malicious intent.

But I dont know, reddit.

Tl;dr how to tell the difference between being a second choice, and someone genuinely being torn between two people

Submitted August 01, 2019 at 11:42PM

Hello reddit, I'm standing in a bit of a moral corner here. Without going into too much detail (I'll indulge if it helps the answer) I (23f) was in a relationship with my ex (23m) for about 8 months. We started dating just after he was forced to stop seeing someone that he cared about because she was dragging him through the mud and his friends pulled him out of it before he could see "if it would have worked out or not". He understands why they did it, but still never really had closure with the girl.Shortly afterwards we wound up dating and I had an extreme complex (see:jealousy) over the fact that they still talked while he was obsessive over her. I was also extremely emotionally unstable at the time (started meds 6 months ago so I'm much better now). The timing of it all and my inability to effectively communicate about the situation without getting mad, combined with his own mental issues and inability to handle me when I was in that state created a pretty toxic environment if certain, specific issues arose. But when that wasn't going on everything else was fantastic. We grew a lot as people and worked together and had fun and sex was great. But in the end, the things I said above dug our relationships grave very slowly.Now that we've officially been apart for a while, and I'm on medication, we had a really in depth and honest conversation about everything stated. We agreed we both need to learn to focus on ourselves and not a significant other. He said that if given the chance he would like to have a shot with the other woman again to see for sure if it was doomed or not. But at the same time, that he would date me again also in a heartbeat if we both learned how to get our shit together so we werent toxic anymore. Both revolving around communication and dealing with mental illness.I mentioned this to my friend, and she told me pretty bluntly that I essenciay gave him the okay to treat me as second choice. Which is was festered along with jealousy early on due to the timing.But now that I see clearer, I dont know if that is the case and i just dont want to admit it. Or if it's a natural thing to agree to since people can definitely fall in love with multiple people at one time.He mentioned that we both quite literally fulfill the two sides of what he needs. One being clingy and loving (but a little too much so) and the other being more independant, giving him time for himself but also going out and having fun with him (but not enough emotional connection)The dude did literally all he could for me despite both of us being ill. He took care of me when I needed it, or when I was just being needy. He waited for me to get help before doing anything with the relationship to make sure I would be okay, saying that it wasnt the plan all along, but he was worried. He let me be the clingy irrational mess I was and did his best to keep me calm in an, honestly, very hostile place to be in from his perspective. And that's from my POV. And even now he is still in my life because we both treasure each other in our lives even without the relationship. So I really dont think he has malicious intent.But I dont know, reddit.Tl;dr how to tell the difference between being a second choice, and someone genuinely being torn between two people