I (24F) need to pick between two men

This conflict is driving me crazy. One loves me and I have been with him for two years (Joe). The other (24M) is attracted to me (Nate) and has romantic feelings for me, we dated for a few months shortly before me and Joe got together. The reason that ended was down to circumstance, and so far me and Joe have had complicated issues in our relationship. I don't think they would feel as complicated if I didn't have so many feelings for Nate.

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Joe has always been emotionally intense, I used to question it when we hadn't known each other for long. Constant, repetitive questions, compliments and long stares before it felt quite comfortable. He was, and is, unbelievably supportive and kind though. I have had quite debilitating psychological difficulties at points that have strained him but he was consistently there for me, came to the hospital with me, held my hand through it all. We laugh a lot together, have plenty of fun, but I can only count a handful of times we've had sex and I've actually enjoyed it - usually it feels like a chore for me. I sometimes turn over and get tearful because I don't want to continue with it but feel bad about saying that for the 10th time in a row. He is respectful when I don't want to, I just wish I wanted to. I think that he is beautiful in his appearance but I would rather never have sex. He is not independent as it stands currently which is a huge turn-off (still lives with parents, can't find a proper job).

​

Joe has also told me countless stories about when his last girlfriend broke up with him and how it destroyed him. The thought of him going through the same depressive problems after this ends panics me. I also know I would miss him greatly, I love him. I have communicated all of the issues I've felt existed between us and he seems to work really hard to try and fix them, (has made some plans to live with a friend at some point, has been trying to induce spontaneity, has stopped making outward sexual comments at inappropriate times). But it's a two-way street and my desire to reciprocate fighting for us has dwindled significantly. I feel too young to lock myself in a very serious, life-long commitment but he has implied we're going to get married and have children together. (or we break up and he dies?!)

​

Nate has much more in common with me and I feel sexually attracted to him (importantly, he gives me butterflies! Joe never has). It could develop into something really special but I feel so guilty for wanting it, and I'm scared that breaking up with Joe would mean I'd lose someone so genuine. Nate and I talk a lot but see each other only occasionally. He is flaky, not particularly reliable, but part of me wants something a little more challenging - someone who excites me, who won't run to me at every opportunity, or worry when I don't text back immediately. He is also very supportive in a way that doesn't feel too intense. It could, however, end just as it did last time.

​

I don't know what to do.

tl;dr : One man is great, supportive but super intense and too reliable if such a thing exists...sex is not fun. The other I have sexual chemistry with, WISH I was with but is not very reliable and I don't want to lose a genuine person for the sake of lust & youthful wandering.



Submitted August 02, 2019 at 12:03AM

This conflict is driving me crazy. One loves me and I have been with him for two years (Joe). The other (24M) is attracted to me (Nate) and has romantic feelings for me, we dated for a few months shortly before me and Joe got together. The reason that ended was down to circumstance, and so far me and Joe have had complicated issues in our relationship. I don't think they would feel as complicated if I didn't have so many feelings for Nate.​Joe has always been emotionally intense, I used to question it when we hadn't known each other for long. Constant, repetitive questions, compliments and long stares before it felt quite comfortable. He was, and is, unbelievably supportive and kind though. I have had quite debilitating psychological difficulties at points that have strained him but he was consistently there for me, came to the hospital with me, held my hand through it all. We laugh a lot together, have plenty of fun, but I can only count a handful of times we've had sex and I've actually enjoyed it - usually it feels like a chore for me. I sometimes turn over and get tearful because I don't want to continue with it but feel bad about saying that for the 10th time in a row. He is respectful when I don't want to, I just wish I wanted to. I think that he is beautiful in his appearance but I would rather never have sex. He is not independent as it stands currently which is a huge turn-off (still lives with parents, can't find a proper job).​Joe has also told me countless stories about when his last girlfriend broke up with him and how it destroyed him. The thought of him going through the same depressive problems after this ends panics me. I also know I would miss him greatly, I love him. I have communicated all of the issues I've felt existed between us and he seems to work really hard to try and fix them, (has made some plans to live with a friend at some point, has been trying to induce spontaneity, has stopped making outward sexual comments at inappropriate times). But it's a two-way street and my desire to reciprocate fighting for us has dwindled significantly. I feel too young to lock myself in a very serious, life-long commitment but he has implied we're going to get married and have children together. (or we break up and he dies?!)​Nate has much more in common with me and I feel sexually attracted to him (importantly, he gives me butterflies! Joe never has). It could develop into something really special but I feel so guilty for wanting it, and I'm scared that breaking up with Joe would mean I'd lose someone so genuine. Nate and I talk a lot but see each other only occasionally. He is flaky, not particularly reliable, but part of me wants something a little more challenging - someone who excites me, who won't run to me at every opportunity, or worry when I don't text back immediately. He is also very supportive in a way that doesn't feel too intense. It could, however, end just as it did last time.​I don't know what to do.tl;dr : One man is great, supportive but super intense and too reliable if such a thing exists...sex is not fun. The other I have sexual chemistry with, WISH I was with but is not very reliable and I don't want to lose a genuine person for the sake of lust & youthful wandering.
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