Is my wife unconsciously racist?

My wife (30F white) and I (34M black) have been married for 2 years and argue a lot. She suffers from depression and I always have to be careful what I say because anything can trigger her.

We both live in the US but she's from Europe. When someone from my family visits she isn't particularly friendly with them or would make excuses not to spend a lot of time at home or make last minutes plans so she doesn't go out with me and and the guests.

She also makes a lot of passive-agressive comments about black women and obesity or how hard working people are in her home country back in Europe compared to people from my community. I've called her out on this before.

We don't use each other's phones and she's always been secretive about hers. Today she left her phone in the bathroom and I got curious and correctly guessed her PIN unlock code. I checked her browser history to see what she's been secretive about and I saw some distraughtful searches on her phone along the lines of "black people are lazy". This was a bit of a shock. I then searched more history and saw several searches like "black women are"... followed by some hurtful things I don't even wanna repeat. These searches were done over the course of months, coinciding with times when we had my family visiting. I just froze and didn't know how to bring it up. I've experienced a lot of racism before but never expected to deal with this.

This comes as a shock and I don't even know how to confront her. She will also question how I was able to unlock her phone or bring up the fact that she's always had black friends and of course a black husband. I know she's not overtly racist but I think she's got some unconscious racist sentiments.

My plan is to share Joyner Lucas "I'm Not Racist" with her and discuss it. Help me figure this out Reddit. What should I do?



Submitted August 01, 2019 at 11:42PM

My wife (30F white) and I (34M black) have been married for 2 years and argue a lot. She suffers from depression and I always have to be careful what I say because anything can trigger her.We both live in the US but she's from Europe. When someone from my family visits she isn't particularly friendly with them or would make excuses not to spend a lot of time at home or make last minutes plans so she doesn't go out with me and and the guests.She also makes a lot of passive-agressive comments about black women and obesity or how hard working people are in her home country back in Europe compared to people from my community. I've called her out on this before.We don't use each other's phones and she's always been secretive about hers. Today she left her phone in the bathroom and I got curious and correctly guessed her PIN unlock code. I checked her browser history to see what she's been secretive about and I saw some distraughtful searches on her phone along the lines of "black people are lazy". This was a bit of a shock. I then searched more history and saw several searches like "black women are"... followed by some hurtful things I don't even wanna repeat. These searches were done over the course of months, coinciding with times when we had my family visiting. I just froze and didn't know how to bring it up. I've experienced a lot of racism before but never expected to deal with this.This comes as a shock and I don't even know how to confront her. She will also question how I was able to unlock her phone or bring up the fact that she's always had black friends and of course a black husband. I know she's not overtly racist but I think she's got some unconscious racist sentiments.My plan is to share Joyner Lucas "I'm Not Racist" with her and discuss it. Help me figure this out Reddit. What should I do?
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