I’m (35/F) falling out of love with my husband (40/M) of twelve years.

We met when I was in university. Dated for two years before he asked me to marry him. So, actually, we’ve been together for fourteen years. I had only dated a few guys before him. Had sex with one. Not that this has anything to do with sex. In fact sex with him has only gotten better. It’s just ... lately I’ve been starting to wonder if we had rushed into things. I see the way our married friends act around each other and that’s not how we are at all.

As far as having children is concerned we’ve talked it over and the timing has just ... never felt right. I want children but work keeps me busy. I travel for work a lot. If I were to slow down now, all of the work that I’ve put into my career will have gone to waste. He’s understanding of that. I’ve frozen my eggs and we’ve discussed adoption, which he’s on board with, so our options are open at least.

Anyway, I ... don’t know how best to describe the way I feel. The change, better yet. I realize most couples go through this after a number of years together. Things aren’t as exciting as they used to be. You start to feel like roommates. The sex is good, but you don’t really look forward to it anymore, you kind of just go along with your impulses when you feel them. That’s okay. I’ve come to terms with those bits.

It’s the part where I don’t look forward to seeing him anymore. That’s the bit that stands out to me. When I return from a long work trip, it’s not him that I miss. I don’t really even miss anything about home when I’m away. That doesn’t sound normal to me. And I have a feeling that I’m not alone in that. From the start I had kind of always sensed that he had asked me to marry him because he had felt obligated and because we’re good for each other on paper.

Maybe I’m overthinking things. I’ve never felt unloved as a person. But as far as being “in love” is concerned, I’ve never felt that from him either. I’m still in love with him in most ways. I just feel it fading now. And I don’t want us to be the couple that starts having children to save the marriage, because that never works. And it’s unfair to the children.

I think couples therapy might be worth a try. I’m just not sure how to bring it up without worrying him. It’s not that I don’t want to be with him anymore. It’s that I want to be with him more than ever and I would like for us to find a way to close the gap before it gets any bigger.

Thoughts?

tl;dr We don’t have children. I don’t want to break up with him. I’d prefer we go to couples therapy but I don’t know how to bring it up without worrying him. Because the way things have been going, it feels more like we’re roommates than a married couple.

Submitted August 14, 2019 at 11:37PM

We met when I was in university. Dated for two years before he asked me to marry him. So, actually, we’ve been together for fourteen years. I had only dated a few guys before him. Had sex with one. Not that this has anything to do with sex. In fact sex with him has only gotten better. It’s just ... lately I’ve been starting to wonder if we had rushed into things. I see the way our married friends act around each other and that’s not how we are at all.As far as having children is concerned we’ve talked it over and the timing has just ... never felt right. I want children but work keeps me busy. I travel for work a lot. If I were to slow down now, all of the work that I’ve put into my career will have gone to waste. He’s understanding of that. I’ve frozen my eggs and we’ve discussed adoption, which he’s on board with, so our options are open at least.Anyway, I ... don’t know how best to describe the way I feel. The change, better yet. I realize most couples go through this after a number of years together. Things aren’t as exciting as they used to be. You start to feel like roommates. The sex is good, but you don’t really look forward to it anymore, you kind of just go along with your impulses when you feel them. That’s okay. I’ve come to terms with those bits.It’s the part where I don’t look forward to seeing him anymore. That’s the bit that stands out to me. When I return from a long work trip, it’s not him that I miss. I don’t really even miss anything about home when I’m away. That doesn’t sound normal to me. And I have a feeling that I’m not alone in that. From the start I had kind of always sensed that he had asked me to marry him because he had felt obligated and because we’re good for each other on paper.Maybe I’m overthinking things. I’ve never felt unloved as a person. But as far as being “in love” is concerned, I’ve never felt that from him either. I’m still in love with him in most ways. I just feel it fading now. And I don’t want us to be the couple that starts having children to save the marriage, because that never works. And it’s unfair to the children.I think couples therapy might be worth a try. I’m just not sure how to bring it up without worrying him. It’s not that I don’t want to be with him anymore. It’s that I want to be with him more than ever and I would like for us to find a way to close the gap before it gets any bigger.Thoughts?tl;dr We don’t have children. I don’t want to break up with him. I’d prefer we go to couples therapy but I don’t know how to bring it up without worrying him. Because the way things have been going, it feels more like we’re roommates than a married couple.