I(24f) can't handle my boyfriend(28m) on his phone anymore and I am at a loss on how to communicate about it.

Okay.. Second try.. Hopefully I am hitting all the rules now..

I've been sitting on this and have no idea where to seek advice anymore, I'm getting biased answers from my peers and I really want to understand where the medium actually is.

My relationship has its issues, and we both work to make it better. It's not easy and after 8.5 years, there are a lot of things that just get left for 'later'. I'm starting to feel like one of those things

Years ago I used to have a bad phone addiction, I was always on it. It was a bad coping skill and when ever I felt anxious I would just stare into my email. At that point my s/o told me that I cared more about my phone than him. I've been working really hard to fix some of these negligences.

On my phone I have a daily use tracker and for the last year I clock about 3 hours use time a week, thats about 25 minutes a day. I feel like I'm rarely on my phone unless I'm transiting and even then I prefer headphones and music.

Anyway, I actually don't like hanging out with my s/o anymore. I've ask him multiple times to not be on his phone and it's always a battle, "Well your always on your phone, I'm just trying to relax I had a long day, you don't get to dictate what I do in my spare time".. and so on.

We live together and used to spend a lot of time together. Its not like that anymore, I see him on the evening of his weekends (my week days) and thats about it. I'm sleeping when he gets home as he works evening-late.

I'm really lonely and have been struggling to make friends since we moved to a different city. He tries sometimes to make time for me but it's always filtered through something, he can't spend anytime with me without doing something.

I've told him I'm sick of taking time off and wasting money on activities because its not making us closer and I'm just getting run down about it. So on our evening together now he will just sit beside me and scroll his phone like it's spending time with me. I've told him that it's not and he disagrees because he's right beside me.

I don't watch tv, I have 25 minutes use time on my phone daily. If he sits beside me to scroll I basically stare at the wall, if I look at his phone I feel like I'm encouraging it even though I have express dissatisfaction recently.

I honestly don't feel like he's interested in me anymore and that I bore him because he literally can't go 10 minutes with me, without his phone. I've said this to him and he reassures me he still has feelings ect. He can stay focused with other people but not me.

This week really tipped me, he has been trying a little harder lately but it annoys me because it feels so forced, if I don't immediately reciprocate his attempts like a happy puppy he stops trying.

Right now I want to tell him that he isn't allowed to go on his anymore around me but that makes me feel manipulative. Its all so stupid to me because in my mind it's basically boiling down to "I want you to want to do the dishes" except the dishes is spending meaningful time with me.

It's been so damaging to my self esteem that he treats my needs as another check on the chore list before he's right back into youtube. It's actually made me evasive of his attention because when he give it to me I feel even more lonely now.

I feel like some kind of weird house cat that is walking in front of the computer screen for attention, and then when I get it I'm smad (sad/mad) because I had to beg until he decided to deal with the chore.

How do I talk to him about this with serious connotations of 'I need you to change' without falling into the old traps of "you vs me" or causing more dissociation between us?

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TL:DR Boyfriend is always on phone even though I've tried to talk to him about it, its affecting my self esteem and I don't want to manipulate him into stopping, I want him to change how he delegates his time. How do I talk to him about this without falling into the old traps of "you vs me"?

Submitted August 14, 2019 at 11:43PM

Okay.. Second try.. Hopefully I am hitting all the rules now..I've been sitting on this and have no idea where to seek advice anymore, I'm getting biased answers from my peers and I really want to understand where the medium actually is.My relationship has its issues, and we both work to make it better. It's not easy and after 8.5 years, there are a lot of things that just get left for 'later'. I'm starting to feel like one of those thingsYears ago I used to have a bad phone addiction, I was always on it. It was a bad coping skill and when ever I felt anxious I would just stare into my email. At that point my s/o told me that I cared more about my phone than him. I've been working really hard to fix some of these negligences.On my phone I have a daily use tracker and for the last year I clock about 3 hours use time a week, thats about 25 minutes a day. I feel like I'm rarely on my phone unless I'm transiting and even then I prefer headphones and music.Anyway, I actually don't like hanging out with my s/o anymore. I've ask him multiple times to not be on his phone and it's always a battle, "Well your always on your phone, I'm just trying to relax I had a long day, you don't get to dictate what I do in my spare time".. and so on.We live together and used to spend a lot of time together. Its not like that anymore, I see him on the evening of his weekends (my week days) and thats about it. I'm sleeping when he gets home as he works evening-late.I'm really lonely and have been struggling to make friends since we moved to a different city. He tries sometimes to make time for me but it's always filtered through something, he can't spend anytime with me without doing something.I've told him I'm sick of taking time off and wasting money on activities because its not making us closer and I'm just getting run down about it. So on our evening together now he will just sit beside me and scroll his phone like it's spending time with me. I've told him that it's not and he disagrees because he's right beside me.I don't watch tv, I have 25 minutes use time on my phone daily. If he sits beside me to scroll I basically stare at the wall, if I look at his phone I feel like I'm encouraging it even though I have express dissatisfaction recently.I honestly don't feel like he's interested in me anymore and that I bore him because he literally can't go 10 minutes with me, without his phone. I've said this to him and he reassures me he still has feelings ect. He can stay focused with other people but not me.This week really tipped me, he has been trying a little harder lately but it annoys me because it feels so forced, if I don't immediately reciprocate his attempts like a happy puppy he stops trying.Right now I want to tell him that he isn't allowed to go on his anymore around me but that makes me feel manipulative. Its all so stupid to me because in my mind it's basically boiling down to "I want you to want to do the dishes" except the dishes is spending meaningful time with me.It's been so damaging to my self esteem that he treats my needs as another check on the chore list before he's right back into youtube. It's actually made me evasive of his attention because when he give it to me I feel even more lonely now.I feel like some kind of weird house cat that is walking in front of the computer screen for attention, and then when I get it I'm smad (sad/mad) because I had to beg until he decided to deal with the chore.How do I talk to him about this with serious connotations of 'I need you to change' without falling into the old traps of "you vs me" or causing more dissociation between us?​TL:DR Boyfriend is always on phone even though I've tried to talk to him about it, its affecting my self esteem and I don't want to manipulate him into stopping, I want him to change how he delegates his time. How do I talk to him about this without falling into the old traps of "you vs me"?