Feeling like I [26F] have to walk on eggshells around friend [26F] recently, is this all I can do right now?

I've been friends with A for about 3 years now. We're pretty different (I'm super introverted, don't drink, loves a good night in, she loves to drink and go out every weekend, as well as our values when it comes to dating, who pays for a first date (she thinks the guy should, I usually split), social issues, ideal partners (she wants a guy in 4 specific career fields who makes over 200k, I don't care about that as much), etc.) but we get along well and I consider her a close friend despite how different we are.

We have been on girls trips together, have gone out together, gone shopping, gotten food, helped each other through difficult times, supported me when i was dating people, gone out of our ways to help each other when the other person was feeling shitty. She's been considerate and when it's just the two of us, she plans things we would both enjoy, or asks me if it's cool if she invites someone else, is super considerate of my medical condition, stuff like that.

She's been single for 3 years or so, and during that time, has had a few flings and stuff from dating apps, but each time they end, she becomes insufferable, and I don't know how to be a good friend to her.

There are a few occasions where she has gone from being on Cloud 9 with a guy to being absolutely devastated, suicidal, joking about checking herself into a mental institution, binge drinking, and being really really sad, angry, and lashing out. Three instances have occurred so far, in addition to more minor instances:

1. She was FWB with this guy for about a year, started to develop feelings for him, and told him that she liked him, but he didn't reciprocate, so they decided to go their separate ways. This led to her crashing at a different girlfriend's place, drank a ton, kept her friend up until past 4am, and she spent the next year or so shit talking the guy, saying she wished he was dead, calling him all sorts of messed up names (basically every curse word and bad word combination imaginable), saying men are trash, etc. It really wrecked her.
2. She met this guy on a dating app, went on 9 or so dates with him over the span of a few months, and said that he was the most perfect match for her and that their chemistry was the best she's ever had, and he was perfect for her. He ended up taking a job in middle America, that he had already been considering when they first met (so she knew it was a very likely possibility), they broke things off bc of distance, and this led to her going absolutely nuts again for a couple months. She started going to therapy but argued with her therapist all the time and was also telling us (her friends) how she's never going to meet anyone like him again and that he was perfect for her. She told her friends she didn't want to go on a trip to Vegas they had planned for her birthday (they did all end up going and having a good time, I didn't go because I declined and she knew I wasn't into that stuff). She made a nickname for him that included the c-word (the derogatory slang term for a woman's body part).
3. Most recently she met this guy on a dating app and she was telling me he looked fat in his pictures, but in person he wasn't as fat, and their chemistry was amazing and they had a first date that was hours long, which was a great sign. She had sex with him (after a year or so of abstinence), then he ghosted her after about a month of dating. This led to her current depression, which has been the worst so far. She told me she didn't want to make any plans with anyone, didn't want to go to a music festival she was planning on going to that weekend (she did go), and didn't want to go on our girls' trip to Portland coming up (it'll be just me and her). That made me really sad and I didn't talk to her for about a week because I had to calm down. She eventually texted me something casual and seemed a bit sheepish about her outburst, but is still being really really moody, calling him a fat piece of shit and wanting him to die but at the same time saying he's perfect for her.

Anything we, her friends say to her that's advice, perspective, or if we send her motivational quotes and things, she doesn't recognize at all and just deflects everything. This is something that I'm used to seeing from her at this point, and it's concerning. So basically at this point, I (and her other friends) just don't say anything in the form of advice or "our perspective". All we say are permutations of "that sucks", "ghosting is so bad yeah", "you deserve better", etc. Even saying, "someone who ghosts you isn't someone who you want to be with" will absolutely TRIGGER HER and she will go on a rant about how he's the perfect one for her and she isn't good enough and she'll never be good enough and men are all trash and they are all the c-word that all deserve to die, etc.

A friend of hers actually said one too many harsh truths to her about dude #2, and A got so mad at that friend that they didn't talk for a few months. She's really bad at apologizing and admitting her faults (another whole can of worms) so it was not pretty.

My close friend B [F24] and I are at a loss and we just feel like we have to walk on eggshells around her all the time. I'm not even thrilled about my Portland trip coming up with A. I think it'll help distract her so she'll be decently personable, but I just don't know to what extent I can be her friend. I'm definitely the planner type so I found a rooftop bar she might like for us to go to on our first night there so she can drink and we can enjoy the view. I get that I shouldn't expect her to take my advice or be reasonable. People don't change until they're ready to change. What do you recommend I do with regards to my interactions with her? Am I still being a good friend if I'm just saying things that she wants to hear while she heals and figures herself out? It's really not who I am, but I want to also be a better friend and learn from this experience.

TL;DR: My friend gets extremely manically depressed and self-hating whenever something doesn't go well with a guy, to the point where she wishes death on him, calls him/refers to him as the c-word and every combination of curse words available, says she doesn't want to go on our girls' trip (just the 2 of us) anymore, binge drinks every weekend, says she's not good enough, says all men are trash, etc., and deflects any kind words that my friends and I try to send her way. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I'm texting her or am with her in person, and I haven't been enjoying my friendship with her recently. (my friends agree, one of them is mentioned above). So far I'm just saying what she wants to hear and agreeing with her during her sad time, so that she doesn't cut me off like she did with one of her friends who said too many harsh truths to her. What can I do as a friend to be there for her? Is this an abnormal friendship to be in?

Submitted August 14, 2019 at 11:57PM

I've been friends with A for about 3 years now. We're pretty different (I'm super introverted, don't drink, loves a good night in, she loves to drink and go out every weekend, as well as our values when it comes to dating, who pays for a first date (she thinks the guy should, I usually split), social issues, ideal partners (she wants a guy in 4 specific career fields who makes over 200k, I don't care about that as much), etc.) but we get along well and I consider her a close friend despite how different we are.We have been on girls trips together, have gone out together, gone shopping, gotten food, helped each other through difficult times, supported me when i was dating people, gone out of our ways to help each other when the other person was feeling shitty. She's been considerate and when it's just the two of us, she plans things we would both enjoy, or asks me if it's cool if she invites someone else, is super considerate of my medical condition, stuff like that.She's been single for 3 years or so, and during that time, has had a few flings and stuff from dating apps, but each time they end, she becomes insufferable, and I don't know how to be a good friend to her.There are a few occasions where she has gone from being on Cloud 9 with a guy to being absolutely devastated, suicidal, joking about checking herself into a mental institution, binge drinking, and being really really sad, angry, and lashing out. Three instances have occurred so far, in addition to more minor instances:She was FWB with this guy for about a year, started to develop feelings for him, and told him that she liked him, but he didn't reciprocate, so they decided to go their separate ways. This led to her crashing at a different girlfriend's place, drank a ton, kept her friend up until past 4am, and she spent the next year or so shit talking the guy, saying she wished he was dead, calling him all sorts of messed up names (basically every curse word and bad word combination imaginable), saying men are trash, etc. It really wrecked her.She met this guy on a dating app, went on 9 or so dates with him over the span of a few months, and said that he was the most perfect match for her and that their chemistry was the best she's ever had, and he was perfect for her. He ended up taking a job in middle America, that he had already been considering when they first met (so she knew it was a very likely possibility), they broke things off bc of distance, and this led to her going absolutely nuts again for a couple months. She started going to therapy but argued with her therapist all the time and was also telling us (her friends) how she's never going to meet anyone like him again and that he was perfect for her. She told her friends she didn't want to go on a trip to Vegas they had planned for her birthday (they did all end up going and having a good time, I didn't go because I declined and she knew I wasn't into that stuff). She made a nickname for him that included the c-word (the derogatory slang term for a woman's body part).Most recently she met this guy on a dating app and she was telling me he looked fat in his pictures, but in person he wasn't as fat, and their chemistry was amazing and they had a first date that was hours long, which was a great sign. She had sex with him (after a year or so of abstinence), then he ghosted her after about a month of dating. This led to her current depression, which has been the worst so far. She told me she didn't want to make any plans with anyone, didn't want to go to a music festival she was planning on going to that weekend (she did go), and didn't want to go on our girls' trip to Portland coming up (it'll be just me and her). That made me really sad and I didn't talk to her for about a week because I had to calm down. She eventually texted me something casual and seemed a bit sheepish about her outburst, but is still being really really moody, calling him a fat piece of shit and wanting him to die but at the same time saying he's perfect for her.Anything we, her friends say to her that's advice, perspective, or if we send her motivational quotes and things, she doesn't recognize at all and just deflects everything. This is something that I'm used to seeing from her at this point, and it's concerning. So basically at this point, I (and her other friends) just don't say anything in the form of advice or "our perspective". All we say are permutations of "that sucks", "ghosting is so bad yeah", "you deserve better", etc. Even saying, "someone who ghosts you isn't someone who you want to be with" will absolutely TRIGGER HER and she will go on a rant about how he's the perfect one for her and she isn't good enough and she'll never be good enough and men are all trash and they are all the c-word that all deserve to die, etc.A friend of hers actually said one too many harsh truths to her about dude #2, and A got so mad at that friend that they didn't talk for a few months. She's really bad at apologizing and admitting her faults (another whole can of worms) so it was not pretty.My close friend B [F24] and I are at a loss and we just feel like we have to walk on eggshells around her all the time. I'm not even thrilled about my Portland trip coming up with A. I think it'll help distract her so she'll be decently personable, but I just don't know to what extent I can be her friend. I'm definitely the planner type so I found a rooftop bar she might like for us to go to on our first night there so she can drink and we can enjoy the view. I get that I shouldn't expect her to take my advice or be reasonable. People don't change until they're ready to change. What do you recommend I do with regards to my interactions with her? Am I still being a good friend if I'm just saying things that she wants to hear while she heals and figures herself out? It's really not who I am, but I want to also be a better friend and learn from this experience.TL;DR: My friend gets extremely manically depressed and self-hating whenever something doesn't go well with a guy, to the point where she wishes death on him, calls him/refers to him as the c-word and every combination of curse words available, says she doesn't want to go on our girls' trip (just the 2 of us) anymore, binge drinks every weekend, says she's not good enough, says all men are trash, etc., and deflects any kind words that my friends and I try to send her way. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I'm texting her or am with her in person, and I haven't been enjoying my friendship with her recently. (my friends agree, one of them is mentioned above). So far I'm just saying what she wants to hear and agreeing with her during her sad time, so that she doesn't cut me off like she did with one of her friends who said too many harsh truths to her. What can I do as a friend to be there for her? Is this an abnormal friendship to be in?