I [30F] am in a friend group [30s-40sF] that is deteriorating and I'm not sure if I should try to do anything about it or just shut my mouth

I'll try to be as brief as possible.

For the past year and a half I've grown to be a part of an evolving friendship group formed at work. For the most part, I've felt more on the outskirts given that I've been the only member of the group who doesn't technically work in the same department and thus there's degrees of separation. And well, and for the same reasons, I have missed out things because I just "wasn't there" when they were occurring (IE: everyone meeting up at one friends house to sit by the pool, but no one thinking to invite me because I hadn't shown up to chat that day). Just to preface all of this, these sort of things have bothered me to varying degrees and made me question how much I'm actually in the group only to then have something super emotional come up that would make me feel definitely "in" the group. There's continuously been a feeling of in and out but let's just say right now I'm in.

A several members of the group are more like (or some technically) family, while others (like me) met up at work. A few members of the group have left the place where we work and this is where problems have started to turn up. For me, I have always felt most akin to my friend in the group we'll call Susan. We're both single, very attached to our parents for various reasons, love the same breed of dog, are unwillingly childless, and have mental health stuff going on. I really hated when she left because the vibe changed a lot. However, there's been so much, IMO, stupid background drama I've now become privy to between her and another friend of the group we'll call Kim. Kim and Susan go back eight years and long story short, when coordinating our last group dinner Susan seemed to have specifically left a group member in the dark about meeting up and "pretended" she messaged her. This apparently infuriated Kim who feels incredibly close to this friend and this caused a spiraling of negative feelings for Susan that seem to have been pent up in Kim for a long time. Kim's house is the epicenter of friendship hang outs and she's basically been avoiding Susan and declining having her over because she feels Susan is a "hater". Kim has now completely unloaded everything. She thinks Susan is "female dog", manipulative, that she has bad upbringing and due to that acts like a whining baby whenever she doesn't get her way, that she's incredibly irresponsible and should never think of having kids, that she only cares about being a part of the group as a status thing, and that she makes up having mental illnesses for attention among several other things.

I tend to try to see both sides of things, and definitely see where Kim is coming from though I feel like she's being harsh. I say feel because I truly don't know their history. I have seen elements of what Kim says in Susan's behavior and even realized when I last hung out with her that yeah, she totally depressed me complaining about her problems, and TOTALLY tried to manipulate me into getting information about what's going on with Kim and why she isn't inviting her over (which I was asked not to do so I didn't). But I just feel like both of them are coming from different perspectives and need to hash it out to move on.

To add to this we have cheating husbands, relationships breaking down, one of the friends in the group getting fired from where we work, and sooooooo much emotion. I see where everyone is coming from and really would just like everyone to get along, be friends, and let go, but I think I may end up shooting myself in the foot. I really like both Kim and Susan but they have come to represent two different sides, each with negatives. Kim is the group majority. To lose her friendship means to essentially not be in the group anymore. But at the same time she has annoyingly cliqued up with another group newcomer who bristles me and I feel like has added substantially to my teetering feelings of sometimes being in or out of the group (which I feel she does intentionally). And Susan, as mentioned, shares a lot of commonalities with me. I feel horrible knowing she is being actively excluded because I'm just putting myself in her shoes and have been there before. But she is draining, negative, and instinctively I don't feel that she would be as torn as I am if she were in my position.

I have been trying to get everyone to come together and relate to everyone without taking sides, but I can sense my own downfall here. The more Kim talks about the subject, the nastier she gets towards Susan. The more Susan brings up the subject, the more I have to basically lie and act like I know nothing of Kim ousting her and that makes me feel like an asshole. I haven't been part of a large friend group in many years and not one with exclusively women. This whole situation feels mind-bogglingly, unnecessarily difficult mostly due to this weird subterfuge and lack of communication so I'm at a lost. I don't want to lose my friendships, but I hate lying and drama, and now Kim has drawn a line in the sand and said only myself and a few other people are invited to her house because we're trustworthy. But it just doesn't sit right with me. I've been excluded so much in my life. Because of my mental health issues I've had a really hard time relating to people and I feel like Susan, despite whatever negative qualities she has, isn't getting a fair shake. Not sure how to move forward.

TL;DR: Members of my group are quietly quarreling with one another and I feel at odds because I'm not on either side, though I understand and sympathize with both. Tried to encourage communication to no avail and worry I may be doing too much and jeopardizing my friendships.

Submitted August 05, 2019 at 11:51PM

I'll try to be as brief as possible.For the past year and a half I've grown to be a part of an evolving friendship group formed at work. For the most part, I've felt more on the outskirts given that I've been the only member of the group who doesn't technically work in the same department and thus there's degrees of separation. And well, and for the same reasons, I have missed out things because I just "wasn't there" when they were occurring (IE: everyone meeting up at one friends house to sit by the pool, but no one thinking to invite me because I hadn't shown up to chat that day). Just to preface all of this, these sort of things have bothered me to varying degrees and made me question how much I'm actually in the group only to then have something super emotional come up that would make me feel definitely "in" the group. There's continuously been a feeling of in and out but let's just say right now I'm in.A several members of the group are more like (or some technically) family, while others (like me) met up at work. A few members of the group have left the place where we work and this is where problems have started to turn up. For me, I have always felt most akin to my friend in the group we'll call Susan. We're both single, very attached to our parents for various reasons, love the same breed of dog, are unwillingly childless, and have mental health stuff going on. I really hated when she left because the vibe changed a lot. However, there's been so much, IMO, stupid background drama I've now become privy to between her and another friend of the group we'll call Kim. Kim and Susan go back eight years and long story short, when coordinating our last group dinner Susan seemed to have specifically left a group member in the dark about meeting up and "pretended" she messaged her. This apparently infuriated Kim who feels incredibly close to this friend and this caused a spiraling of negative feelings for Susan that seem to have been pent up in Kim for a long time. Kim's house is the epicenter of friendship hang outs and she's basically been avoiding Susan and declining having her over because she feels Susan is a "hater". Kim has now completely unloaded everything. She thinks Susan is "female dog", manipulative, that she has bad upbringing and due to that acts like a whining baby whenever she doesn't get her way, that she's incredibly irresponsible and should never think of having kids, that she only cares about being a part of the group as a status thing, and that she makes up having mental illnesses for attention among several other things.I tend to try to see both sides of things, and definitely see where Kim is coming from though I feel like she's being harsh. I say feel because I truly don't know their history. I have seen elements of what Kim says in Susan's behavior and even realized when I last hung out with her that yeah, she totally depressed me complaining about her problems, and TOTALLY tried to manipulate me into getting information about what's going on with Kim and why she isn't inviting her over (which I was asked not to do so I didn't). But I just feel like both of them are coming from different perspectives and need to hash it out to move on.To add to this we have cheating husbands, relationships breaking down, one of the friends in the group getting fired from where we work, and sooooooo much emotion. I see where everyone is coming from and really would just like everyone to get along, be friends, and let go, but I think I may end up shooting myself in the foot. I really like both Kim and Susan but they have come to represent two different sides, each with negatives. Kim is the group majority. To lose her friendship means to essentially not be in the group anymore. But at the same time she has annoyingly cliqued up with another group newcomer who bristles me and I feel like has added substantially to my teetering feelings of sometimes being in or out of the group (which I feel she does intentionally). And Susan, as mentioned, shares a lot of commonalities with me. I feel horrible knowing she is being actively excluded because I'm just putting myself in her shoes and have been there before. But she is draining, negative, and instinctively I don't feel that she would be as torn as I am if she were in my position.I have been trying to get everyone to come together and relate to everyone without taking sides, but I can sense my own downfall here. The more Kim talks about the subject, the nastier she gets towards Susan. The more Susan brings up the subject, the more I have to basically lie and act like I know nothing of Kim ousting her and that makes me feel like an asshole. I haven't been part of a large friend group in many years and not one with exclusively women. This whole situation feels mind-bogglingly, unnecessarily difficult mostly due to this weird subterfuge and lack of communication so I'm at a lost. I don't want to lose my friendships, but I hate lying and drama, and now Kim has drawn a line in the sand and said only myself and a few other people are invited to her house because we're trustworthy. But it just doesn't sit right with me. I've been excluded so much in my life. Because of my mental health issues I've had a really hard time relating to people and I feel like Susan, despite whatever negative qualities she has, isn't getting a fair shake. Not sure how to move forward.TL;DR: Members of my group are quietly quarreling with one another and I feel at odds because I'm not on either side, though I understand and sympathize with both. Tried to encourage communication to no avail and worry I may be doing too much and jeopardizing my friendships.