I [29F] wonder if I should tell my insecure boyfriend [30M] the crush I once had on a friend [30M]

Can you guys help me with something?

My boyfriend hates my best male friend. He hated him pretty much the first time he heard about him.

I had brought him up several times before this incident, but the first incident that set off BF was when we were messaging each other while doing LDR. We were kind of having sexy talk but then I said we need to switch gears because I was at work. So I relocated from where I was texting to go back to my desk. I started thinking about my day and I told him what I wanted to do--get some stuff ready for BFF because it was his birthday and I really flubbed last year (when I was having the worst anxiety of my life and couldn't be around people) and couldn't celebrate it with him.

BF got really upset and said it was weird I brought up BFF while we were talking about sexy things. I see what he means but I felt like we had changed gears and to me it was just talking about my day and nothing more.

Once, while we were doing LDR, my BFF was helping me get through some really, really bad anxiety. BF got pissed, because it seemed like I had wanted to be alone but then had my BFF over to help me out and get me out of the house and talk about stuff.

BF continuously gets upset when BFF is brought up. There were more incidents but I want to keep this short. Each time I tried to be patient and loving and listened to his concerns (and reassured him there was nothing to worry about).

When he finally met BFF, he decided after one instance he hated him. At that event, he said I was "with BFF the whole time" (I was NOT, I was actively avoiding him), that we look at each other and talk in a way that BF feels like he doesn't exist anymore, etc. etc. BFF made a comment that upset BF and later BFF apologized for it--BF STILL wouldn't let the passing comment go. (It was about being vegetarian - when BFF heard BF had been vegetarian for 9 years, he was super surprised and made a noise and face that of course BF interpreted negatively. BFF apologized for that reaction but BF still didn't let it go.) Sometimes he thinks we're flirting because of the way we look at each other or touch one another (even though I purposely don't hug BFF anymore because I know it would set off BF even though I hug everyone).

We talked about this issue for ages, we've both cried over it. BF has incredible insecurity from being cheated on about 9 years ago. (He wasn't just cheated on, he was REALLY cheated on). He doesn't want to do therapy. He talked to my friend about it and my friend realized that he was never going to let up on BFF so she was just like, "Look, fuck BFF, just keep doing your thing, you and OP are solid, everything's going to be okay."

Here's the thing. In a time before BF and I dated, I did have a crush on BFF. I was desperate and lonely and overweight and felt like the fat girl that I've always been. BFF helped me rearrange my priorities and we talked about the law of attraction and habits and over the year I lost 30 pounds. We became better friends during this time and he helped me through really bad anxiety and depression. He was a very good friend and I guess some part of my brain, overnight, went from "friend" to "interested."

But I dated other people, and when I dated them I never thought about BFF. I knew he never saw me that way and never would so I never told him anything.

I wonder if BF is picking up on this history and if I should tell him about the crush that I had. BF seems tormented by the feelings he has about BFF. This would give him some closure about those feelings.

But the other part of me feels like it's solely his insecurity that's driving this hatred for BFF. BFF has been nothing but kind to BF but BF will always find something about what he said or did that he didn't like. He doesn't have issues with any other male friends I have, just this one.

I believed telling him about the crush from before we dated would just solidify his insecurity. He would use it as a weapon against me and BFF and definitely against himself. He worries he's not good enough. I think that would make this worse. I also don't believe he is entitled to know about crushes I had about previous men before he was even in my life.

But I feel so anxious thinking about him finding out some other way (I don't know how, I just feel like it's possible), but maybe that's my anxiety getting the best of me.

I no longer have feelings for BFF--to me the crush came out of convenience of needing someone to like and he was right there, someone who accepted me for who I was and helped me be a better person. But I wonder if I should pull back on contact with BFF (we used to do a long phone call every 2 or 3 weeks but have since pulled back on that already because it upset BF, and I don't see him nearly as much as I used to already, but maybe I should pull back more), due to the fact that I did once have a crush on him and out of respect for my boyfriend's feelings. BF recognizes he has an insecurity problem and self-confidence problem, but would rather push his feelings out of the way than get help for them. He thinks he can sort it on his own.

Please let me know what you think of all of this.

tl;dr, BF hates BFF and has a lot of insecurity and anxiety from being cheated on in his past. I once had a crush on BFF out of convenience but never told him. I wonder if I should tell BF about this but think it would just make things worse, but worry what might happen if he finds out not from me.

Submitted August 09, 2019 at 12:14AM

Can you guys help me with something?My boyfriend hates my best male friend. He hated him pretty much the first time he heard about him.I had brought him up several times before this incident, but the first incident that set off BF was when we were messaging each other while doing LDR. We were kind of having sexy talk but then I said we need to switch gears because I was at work. So I relocated from where I was texting to go back to my desk. I started thinking about my day and I told him what I wanted to do--get some stuff ready for BFF because it was his birthday and I really flubbed last year (when I was having the worst anxiety of my life and couldn't be around people) and couldn't celebrate it with him.BF got really upset and said it was weird I brought up BFF while we were talking about sexy things. I see what he means but I felt like we had changed gears and to me it was just talking about my day and nothing more.Once, while we were doing LDR, my BFF was helping me get through some really, really bad anxiety. BF got pissed, because it seemed like I had wanted to be alone but then had my BFF over to help me out and get me out of the house and talk about stuff.BF continuously gets upset when BFF is brought up. There were more incidents but I want to keep this short. Each time I tried to be patient and loving and listened to his concerns (and reassured him there was nothing to worry about).When he finally met BFF, he decided after one instance he hated him. At that event, he said I was "with BFF the whole time" (I was NOT, I was actively avoiding him), that we look at each other and talk in a way that BF feels like he doesn't exist anymore, etc. etc. BFF made a comment that upset BF and later BFF apologized for it--BF STILL wouldn't let the passing comment go. (It was about being vegetarian - when BFF heard BF had been vegetarian for 9 years, he was super surprised and made a noise and face that of course BF interpreted negatively. BFF apologized for that reaction but BF still didn't let it go.) Sometimes he thinks we're flirting because of the way we look at each other or touch one another (even though I purposely don't hug BFF anymore because I know it would set off BF even though I hug everyone).We talked about this issue for ages, we've both cried over it. BF has incredible insecurity from being cheated on about 9 years ago. (He wasn't just cheated on, he was REALLY cheated on). He doesn't want to do therapy. He talked to my friend about it and my friend realized that he was never going to let up on BFF so she was just like, "Look, fuck BFF, just keep doing your thing, you and OP are solid, everything's going to be okay."Here's the thing. In a time before BF and I dated, I did have a crush on BFF. I was desperate and lonely and overweight and felt like the fat girl that I've always been. BFF helped me rearrange my priorities and we talked about the law of attraction and habits and over the year I lost 30 pounds. We became better friends during this time and he helped me through really bad anxiety and depression. He was a very good friend and I guess some part of my brain, overnight, went from "friend" to "interested."But I dated other people, and when I dated them I never thought about BFF. I knew he never saw me that way and never would so I never told him anything.I wonder if BF is picking up on this history and if I should tell him about the crush that I had. BF seems tormented by the feelings he has about BFF. This would give him some closure about those feelings.But the other part of me feels like it's solely his insecurity that's driving this hatred for BFF. BFF has been nothing but kind to BF but BF will always find something about what he said or did that he didn't like. He doesn't have issues with any other male friends I have, just this one.I believed telling him about the crush from before we dated would just solidify his insecurity. He would use it as a weapon against me and BFF and definitely against himself. He worries he's not good enough. I think that would make this worse. I also don't believe he is entitled to know about crushes I had about previous men before he was even in my life.But I feel so anxious thinking about him finding out some other way (I don't know how, I just feel like it's possible), but maybe that's my anxiety getting the best of me.I no longer have feelings for BFF--to me the crush came out of convenience of needing someone to like and he was right there, someone who accepted me for who I was and helped me be a better person. But I wonder if I should pull back on contact with BFF (we used to do a long phone call every 2 or 3 weeks but have since pulled back on that already because it upset BF, and I don't see him nearly as much as I used to already, but maybe I should pull back more), due to the fact that I did once have a crush on him and out of respect for my boyfriend's feelings. BF recognizes he has an insecurity problem and self-confidence problem, but would rather push his feelings out of the way than get help for them. He thinks he can sort it on his own.Please let me know what you think of all of this.tl;dr, BF hates BFF and has a lot of insecurity and anxiety from being cheated on in his past. I once had a crush on BFF out of convenience but never told him. I wonder if I should tell BF about this but think it would just make things worse, but worry what might happen if he finds out not from me.