Who is this person?

My wife (38F) and I (31M) have been married a handful of years, together just under a decade, but I feel like I don't know her at all. We met at work, both ambitious, made each other laugh, became friends.. you know the rest. Our relationship began as most do. Lots of fun, lots of sex, lots of excitement. She brought out things in me I never knew existed. She showed me new places, new food, new experiences. It was amazing. I was head over heels, completely in love and the feeling was mutual.

Later, I proposed, she said yes. Pause here: I knew that she was a cancer survivor when we met. Not at all surprised, she was the strongest woman I had ever known. She came from a terrible background, suffered physical and sexual abuse, left an unfaithful drug-addict of a first husband, raised her son on her own, entered a noble and mostly male dominated profession, conquered many mountains. Continue: During our engagement her cancer returned. She had to undergo multiple surgeries/treatments, but came out on the other side. Also while we were engaged, I had a near death experience that involved the death of another person at my hand. Not things either of us were expecting. The impact, not things either of us could predict.

We get married. Another tumor. Another surgery. This time bigger. She is cancer-free, but forced to resign from our profession. Things begin to shift. I notice her light beginning to dim. The house stays messier longer than usual. She used to be super OCD about keeping everything clean, so it was noticeable. We don't cook together as often; something else she/we loved to do. She becomes irritable and isn't laughing at my jokes the way that she used to. It just feels, off.

She had been raped.

One year later, she attempts suicide. I'm left reeling. We struggled our way through the darkness together. We had already seen counselors, her for cancer, me for almost dying/taking a life, us in preparation for marriage. So, leaning on the professionals is what we did. My wife was put on meds and began regularly seeing a therapist for depression, PTSD and night terrors/insomnia.

One year later, she harms herself again. Back through the darkness. More professionals. I'm angry this time. I was angry last time, but more so hurt and afraid. This time, I'm pissed. How could she do this to me, to us again? After knowing how badly she hurt everyone around her the last time, she does this shit again? Our relationship doesn't recover from it as easily this time around. Her meds are adjusted and she is seeing a different therapist.

Another year passes. She seems to be doing alright with the exception of going back to work. She tried going a few different directions, took a few classes, but nothing seemed to stick. I'm the sole breadwinner and have needed to pull 60 hour weeks for about a year and a half to keep us fed, clothed and housed. I told her about a year ago that it didn't matter to me if she ever went back to work as long as we adjusted our spending. She loves to eat out and we tend to travel often, so all of that had to slow way down. And, it did, but for some reason I still feel like I'm just barely treading water. I feel like I am still working all the time. I decide to sell a vehicle we didn't use in order to pay off a credit card. Somehow, we're still spending and I'm still working all the time.

I ask her to consider selling the house. Before you ask, yes, it's our house. She bought it while we were dating. It was something she had been working on before we were together. I understand that it's something that she takes pride in having accomplished, but it would be so much easier on us financially if we sold it, paid off some bills and rented for awhile. She pitched a fit about it and complained about moving into an apartment with our two dogs. I asked her to consider selling her vehicle and getting a less expensive one. Also a purchase she was proud to have been able to make. You can guess her answer to that question.

She is the type of person who builds walls and keeps safety nets because she has experienced so much betrayal and has never been able to depend on anyone else. So, here I am, working my ass off, paying the price, while my wife, who seems like an entirely different person than the one I married, doesn't bat an eye. I guess it's okay with her that I am constantly stressed and working all the time. Shouldn't it be clear to her that she doesn't need safety nets after the chaos we have confronted together? Why can't she just freaking trust me?

Resentment has set in. Our sex life dwindles. I'm pulling further and further away. She starts accusing me of having an affair?!?! Again, why can't she just trust me???

I know what I'll do!!! I will take her out of town for our annual get together with my friends from back home. We'll spend the first day laughing and catching up with everyone. The first night will be spent having crazy hot sex, the exciting kind like we used to have. Day two we'll hit some cool places with the gang and then once we get back to the cabin to change clothes before dinner, I will pick a massive fight with her (because that's really not us) and then I will kick her out of the cabin and tell her to go home in front of all of my friends (also completely out of character)!!!!

THEN, when the vacation is over, I just won't go back home. I'll go stay with one of my buddies from work. I'll talk to my therapist (the one I'm seeing for my own severe depression and PTSD) and whoever else asks that marriages should be 50/50!!! And, that I feel more like a caregiver than a husband!!!! THAT'LL show her.

In case you're still wondering, yes... this post was in fact written by the wife. And, yes... these things really did take place, the last bit happened 11 days ago. No... he still hasn't come home. I left out a more recent detail. I started a new job, one that I LOVE, about a month ago. However, since all of this has happened I have been sent home almost daily because I cannot stop crying. My new job doesn't pay very well. So, even if by some miracle they don't fire me over the all of the crying/missed work, I still cannot afford the house on my own. Yup, I am being forced to put it on the market and hope it sells before it becomes a foreclosure. I have absolutely no idea where I'm going to live or if I will even be able to keep our dogs.

BUT, I have learned a lot about trust and the need for marriages to be 50/50.

Answer to a question I'm sure will be asked. We are not legally married in the US. He can just walk away. I discovered, while engaged, that my ex-husband never signed/filed our divorce papers many moons ago. So I have been pulling teeth to get him to sign off so I could go file it. My ex-husband and I had not been together in 16 years. After talking it over, my husband and I decided to go on with our marriage vows. We invited some of our closest friends and family to an incredible destination wedding. We have not registered/married through our government.

Submitted June 27, 2019 at 12:03AM

My wife (38F) and I (31M) have been married a handful of years, together just under a decade, but I feel like I don't know her at all. We met at work, both ambitious, made each other laugh, became friends.. you know the rest. Our relationship began as most do. Lots of fun, lots of sex, lots of excitement. She brought out things in me I never knew existed. She showed me new places, new food, new experiences. It was amazing. I was head over heels, completely in love and the feeling was mutual.Later, I proposed, she said yes. Pause here: I knew that she was a cancer survivor when we met. Not at all surprised, she was the strongest woman I had ever known. She came from a terrible background, suffered physical and sexual abuse, left an unfaithful drug-addict of a first husband, raised her son on her own, entered a noble and mostly male dominated profession, conquered many mountains. Continue: During our engagement her cancer returned. She had to undergo multiple surgeries/treatments, but came out on the other side. Also while we were engaged, I had a near death experience that involved the death of another person at my hand. Not things either of us were expecting. The impact, not things either of us could predict.We get married. Another tumor. Another surgery. This time bigger. She is cancer-free, but forced to resign from our profession. Things begin to shift. I notice her light beginning to dim. The house stays messier longer than usual. She used to be super OCD about keeping everything clean, so it was noticeable. We don't cook together as often; something else she/we loved to do. She becomes irritable and isn't laughing at my jokes the way that she used to. It just feels, off.She had been raped.One year later, she attempts suicide. I'm left reeling. We struggled our way through the darkness together. We had already seen counselors, her for cancer, me for almost dying/taking a life, us in preparation for marriage. So, leaning on the professionals is what we did. My wife was put on meds and began regularly seeing a therapist for depression, PTSD and night terrors/insomnia.One year later, she harms herself again. Back through the darkness. More professionals. I'm angry this time. I was angry last time, but more so hurt and afraid. This time, I'm pissed. How could she do this to me, to us again? After knowing how badly she hurt everyone around her the last time, she does this shit again? Our relationship doesn't recover from it as easily this time around. Her meds are adjusted and she is seeing a different therapist.Another year passes. She seems to be doing alright with the exception of going back to work. She tried going a few different directions, took a few classes, but nothing seemed to stick. I'm the sole breadwinner and have needed to pull 60 hour weeks for about a year and a half to keep us fed, clothed and housed. I told her about a year ago that it didn't matter to me if she ever went back to work as long as we adjusted our spending. She loves to eat out and we tend to travel often, so all of that had to slow way down. And, it did, but for some reason I still feel like I'm just barely treading water. I feel like I am still working all the time. I decide to sell a vehicle we didn't use in order to pay off a credit card. Somehow, we're still spending and I'm still working all the time.I ask her to consider selling the house. Before you ask, yes, it's our house. She bought it while we were dating. It was something she had been working on before we were together. I understand that it's something that she takes pride in having accomplished, but it would be so much easier on us financially if we sold it, paid off some bills and rented for awhile. She pitched a fit about it and complained about moving into an apartment with our two dogs. I asked her to consider selling her vehicle and getting a less expensive one. Also a purchase she was proud to have been able to make. You can guess her answer to that question.She is the type of person who builds walls and keeps safety nets because she has experienced so much betrayal and has never been able to depend on anyone else. So, here I am, working my ass off, paying the price, while my wife, who seems like an entirely different person than the one I married, doesn't bat an eye. I guess it's okay with her that I am constantly stressed and working all the time. Shouldn't it be clear to her that she doesn't need safety nets after the chaos we have confronted together? Why can't she just freaking trust me?Resentment has set in. Our sex life dwindles. I'm pulling further and further away. She starts accusing me of having an affair?!?! Again, why can't she just trust me???I know what I'll do!!! I will take her out of town for our annual get together with my friends from back home. We'll spend the first day laughing and catching up with everyone. The first night will be spent having crazy hot sex, the exciting kind like we used to have. Day two we'll hit some cool places with the gang and then once we get back to the cabin to change clothes before dinner, I will pick a massive fight with her (because that's really not us) and then I will kick her out of the cabin and tell her to go home in front of all of my friends (also completely out of character)!!!!THEN, when the vacation is over, I just won't go back home. I'll go stay with one of my buddies from work. I'll talk to my therapist (the one I'm seeing for my own severe depression and PTSD) and whoever else asks that marriages should be 50/50!!! And, that I feel more like a caregiver than a husband!!!! THAT'LL show her.In case you're still wondering, yes... this post was in fact written by the wife. And, yes... these things really did take place, the last bit happened 11 days ago. No... he still hasn't come home. I left out a more recent detail. I started a new job, one that I LOVE, about a month ago. However, since all of this has happened I have been sent home almost daily because I cannot stop crying. My new job doesn't pay very well. So, even if by some miracle they don't fire me over the all of the crying/missed work, I still cannot afford the house on my own. Yup, I am being forced to put it on the market and hope it sells before it becomes a foreclosure. I have absolutely no idea where I'm going to live or if I will even be able to keep our dogs.BUT, I have learned a lot about trust and the need for marriages to be 50/50.Answer to a question I'm sure will be asked. We are not legally married in the US. He can just walk away. I discovered, while engaged, that my ex-husband never signed/filed our divorce papers many moons ago. So I have been pulling teeth to get him to sign off so I could go file it. My ex-husband and I had not been together in 16 years. After talking it over, my husband and I decided to go on with our marriage vows. We invited some of our closest friends and family to an incredible destination wedding. We have not registered/married through our government.