I [21F] am a virgin waiting for marriage, but I can't stop craving sex/masturbation.

I [21F] am a virgin by choice and want to stay that way until marriage. However, the older I get the more my sexual urges seem to increase. I'm posting this from a throwaway account because I'm pretty embarrassed and have never talked openly about sex this way or allowed myself to. Lately I'm ridiculously aroused for no reason. Multiple dirty thoughts and scenarios run through my head in a day. Sex is all I can think about.

I'm not someone who masturbates as I feel guilty about it. I did when I was younger without realizing what I was doing. When I quickly figured out what was going on, I stopped. I haven't touched myself in years. This is where I'm leading up to. Just last week, I was lying in bed when my mind started to wander again. Before I knew it, I was lightly touching myself. I told myself I would only let it go on for a few seconds, but lost control and ended up going all the way (non-penetration). It felt so good I did it at least three times more after. It also lets me feel sexy in a way I never allow myself to feel normally. The thing is, physically I feel on cloud nine after. All that pent up stress is relieved and my skin is literally glowing and I feel happy, but it's immediately overshadowed by the guilt I feel. I felt so guilty I cried. I hadn't done that since I was younger and told myself I wouldn't again. After feeling guilty all day, I told myself that was the last time. But the next day I was in the shower and that desire took over and I did it again. Again, I felt so guilty afterward I cried and told myself it wouldn't happen again. I even prayed about it and apologized. That happened last week and I haven't since. But it's all I can think about now. I know I want to wait until marriage and want my first time to be with someone special, but these days I feel like a sex crazed maniac. Sometimes I'll think to myself "I could just go out clubbing and have sex" or "download tinder and get with a stranger" and so on. I push those thoughts away immediately because I would never and that's not something I would be comfortable with, but I keep having these brief moments where I just want to have sex regardless of the consequences. Also, I'm still not sure how to feel about masturbation? The Bible isn't very straightforward about the topic. I just assumed it was wrong because it led to "sexual impurity" and so on. Anything in excess can lead to sin ideally. It's also why I don't drink, do drugs, use foul language and on and on. This seems to be the one thing I can't seem to make my mind up about. And part of me is afraid that I want someone to tell me it's okay because I want to do it. I don't want to believe it just because it's a loophole, you know? I've heard from both sides that it's wrong and that it isn't. My current belief is that it is and that's why I feel so guilty. But I don't know what to believe or how to stop these urges? Any advice would very much be appreciated. Thank you so much.

Submitted June 22, 2019 at 12:22AM

I [21F] am a virgin by choice and want to stay that way until marriage. However, the older I get the more my sexual urges seem to increase. I'm posting this from a throwaway account because I'm pretty embarrassed and have never talked openly about sex this way or allowed myself to. Lately I'm ridiculously aroused for no reason. Multiple dirty thoughts and scenarios run through my head in a day. Sex is all I can think about.I'm not someone who masturbates as I feel guilty about it. I did when I was younger without realizing what I was doing. When I quickly figured out what was going on, I stopped. I haven't touched myself in years. This is where I'm leading up to. Just last week, I was lying in bed when my mind started to wander again. Before I knew it, I was lightly touching myself. I told myself I would only let it go on for a few seconds, but lost control and ended up going all the way (non-penetration). It felt so good I did it at least three times more after. It also lets me feel sexy in a way I never allow myself to feel normally. The thing is, physically I feel on cloud nine after. All that pent up stress is relieved and my skin is literally glowing and I feel happy, but it's immediately overshadowed by the guilt I feel. I felt so guilty I cried. I hadn't done that since I was younger and told myself I wouldn't again. After feeling guilty all day, I told myself that was the last time. But the next day I was in the shower and that desire took over and I did it again. Again, I felt so guilty afterward I cried and told myself it wouldn't happen again. I even prayed about it and apologized. That happened last week and I haven't since. But it's all I can think about now. I know I want to wait until marriage and want my first time to be with someone special, but these days I feel like a sex crazed maniac. Sometimes I'll think to myself "I could just go out clubbing and have sex" or "download tinder and get with a stranger" and so on. I push those thoughts away immediately because I would never and that's not something I would be comfortable with, but I keep having these brief moments where I just want to have sex regardless of the consequences. Also, I'm still not sure how to feel about masturbation? The Bible isn't very straightforward about the topic. I just assumed it was wrong because it led to "sexual impurity" and so on. Anything in excess can lead to sin ideally. It's also why I don't drink, do drugs, use foul language and on and on. This seems to be the one thing I can't seem to make my mind up about. And part of me is afraid that I want someone to tell me it's okay because I want to do it. I don't want to believe it just because it's a loophole, you know? I've heard from both sides that it's wrong and that it isn't. My current belief is that it is and that's why I feel so guilty. But I don't know what to believe or how to stop these urges? Any advice would very much be appreciated. Thank you so much.