I (23F) can’t get off unless I think of scenarios which involve SA

Some background: I’m an only child and I grew up with very religious and strict parents who used physical discipline daily and controlled everything I did and say. I grew up with a lot of shame around boys and sex. Actually, I was told from the ages of 6-21 not to talk to boys or ever date. I was scared of what would happen so I avoided men and just had long crushes.

Unfortunately I was exposed to porn at a young age by curious older cousins using the internet (we were all kids) and as I got older I was more interested in scenarios where men/women would seduce or force someone, and that someone enjoys it. I have so much shame regarding me being sexual or exposed to someone… I’m still a Virgin due to my anxiety and low self esteem stopping me from dating. I’ve learned that this ‘someone’ in these scenarios is me. Imaging someone seducing/forcing me in these fantasies is the only way I can get off as I’ve realised it removes the shame of me ‘wanting sex’ or being somewhat desirable/attractive to be able to initiate it. Sometimes the scenarios include men I’m not even attracted to.

I’ve tried imagining other situations but it does nothing for me 😭 I feel insane. Please help.



Submitted November 08, 2021 at 12:58AM

Some background: I’m an only child and I grew up with very religious and strict parents who used physical discipline daily and controlled everything I did and say. I grew up with a lot of shame around boys and sex. Actually, I was told from the ages of 6-21 not to talk to boys or ever date. I was scared of what would happen so I avoided men and just had long crushes.Unfortunately I was exposed to porn at a young age by curious older cousins using the internet (we were all kids) and as I got older I was more interested in scenarios where men/women would seduce or force someone, and that someone enjoys it. I have so much shame regarding me being sexual or exposed to someone… I’m still a Virgin due to my anxiety and low self esteem stopping me from dating. I’ve learned that this ‘someone’ in these scenarios is me. Imaging someone seducing/forcing me in these fantasies is the only way I can get off as I’ve realised it removes the shame of me ‘wanting sex’ or being somewhat desirable/attractive to be able to initiate it. Sometimes the scenarios include men I’m not even attracted to.I’ve tried imagining other situations but it does nothing for me 😭 I feel insane. Please help.
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