How to ask boyfriend to be more gentle without ruining the mood?

I (25F) sometimes have a really hard time orgasming. My boyfriend (27M) is really amazing and will try really hard to make it happen, but when we first started dating, we definitely weren’t on the same wavelength. He had a lot of experience with girls but still seemed to think that everything about porn was realistic and that I would cum if he just went hard enough.

A year ago, I finally verbalized that I was unhappy and that wasn’t working for me. I told him I struggled more than he realized and wanted to start being honest. Now, I never lie about it or fake anything, but there’s a lot of times that I just can’t get there because he’s too rough with his hands (though he’ll usually finish me off with oral and that’s great but always has to be a separate thing from sex).

I don’t think he realizes that he’s being rough, but he just presses down too hard with his fingers. It also seems like a lot of work for him because he’s pressing down and going fast and I’d be much happier with a literal feather touch from the tip of his finger. The thing is there’s been a lot of things I’ve been telling him I want differently and I know that can be hard to hear over and over. I don’t want to criticize him again but just want an “in the moment” way to tell him to be more gentle. I have tried telling him outside of sex but I think he forgets/tends to go harder again when it seems like I like it in an effort to please me.

What are ways I can gently correct him during the act? Or is that not possible and I need to do something else?



Submitted November 08, 2021 at 12:57AM

I (25F) sometimes have a really hard time orgasming. My boyfriend (27M) is really amazing and will try really hard to make it happen, but when we first started dating, we definitely weren’t on the same wavelength. He had a lot of experience with girls but still seemed to think that everything about porn was realistic and that I would cum if he just went hard enough.A year ago, I finally verbalized that I was unhappy and that wasn’t working for me. I told him I struggled more than he realized and wanted to start being honest. Now, I never lie about it or fake anything, but there’s a lot of times that I just can’t get there because he’s too rough with his hands (though he’ll usually finish me off with oral and that’s great but always has to be a separate thing from sex).I don’t think he realizes that he’s being rough, but he just presses down too hard with his fingers. It also seems like a lot of work for him because he’s pressing down and going fast and I’d be much happier with a literal feather touch from the tip of his finger. The thing is there’s been a lot of things I’ve been telling him I want differently and I know that can be hard to hear over and over. I don’t want to criticize him again but just want an “in the moment” way to tell him to be more gentle. I have tried telling him outside of sex but I think he forgets/tends to go harder again when it seems like I like it in an effort to please me.What are ways I can gently correct him during the act? Or is that not possible and I need to do something else?
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