Dating a widow - how do I ask the Q?

I recently matched with this super smart, funny, intelligent woman, doctor, couple of years older than me. I am a 34 years old male who has prioritised his career until now. Covid has made realise being alone is no longer fun.

We hit it off, chatting every day for about three weeks straight. By the fourth week I broke my hesitance and mentioned to her that I am a wheelchair user which she didn't have a problem with. She mentioned that she was married in the past. She is a widow and was married for 7 years and her husband passed away 2.5 years ago. She also mentioned that she started trying to date recently but couldn't go through with it by the third date and also suffered depression. Both of which she is trying to overcome with counselling and medication. None of which bothered me. We are all imperfect human beings at the end of the day.

I felt we were off to a great start by being completely honest to each other. Soon we started video calls which were going fine until.. She kept referring to her husband, their life every once in a while as part of our conversations. I didn't consider it a big deal. Soon it was the in laws in the conversation which I just ignored.

Last week I took her out for dinner for the first time. The first hour and a half went great. Both of us were having fun, it was as if I was having a nice dinner in the evening with a friend. We were talking about life in general which somehow triggered something about her marriage. Suddenly she started talking about her husband and the marriage rules she had with him etc.

This time it felt weird to me because it almost felt present rather than the past. Soon it jumped to her in laws and how she's in contact with them almost every other day etc. Again.. It felt weird to me, I simply nodded my head. Finally when I was about to pay the bill, her phone popped up and I realised her late husbands photo is the wallpaper. Then it really struck me with the question, is she ready to move on?

I can empathise how difficult it must be be for a person to date again after losing their loved one. I can completely understand that her husband is still a part of her life.

My question is how do I ask her if she really is mentally ready to move on and date? Similarly how do I get the assurance that her life with late husband remains a past and she is looking to future and is happy to potentially replace or supplement him at some point?

I am quite conscious of the struggle she faces and the last thing I want to do is set her mental health back with a blunt question. I do like her but at the same time I don't want to pursue anything further if she has not moved on or her reference point is always going to be her life with him.

Thanks for reading a long essay from my throwaway account :)

TLDR - How do I ask a woman if she has moved on from her late husband and is actually ready to replace him as part of her life, at some point in the future, without impacting her mental health?

Submitted November 06, 2021 at 12:12AM

I recently matched with this super smart, funny, intelligent woman, doctor, couple of years older than me. I am a 34 years old male who has prioritised his career until now. Covid has made realise being alone is no longer fun.We hit it off, chatting every day for about three weeks straight. By the fourth week I broke my hesitance and mentioned to her that I am a wheelchair user which she didn't have a problem with. She mentioned that she was married in the past. She is a widow and was married for 7 years and her husband passed away 2.5 years ago. She also mentioned that she started trying to date recently but couldn't go through with it by the third date and also suffered depression. Both of which she is trying to overcome with counselling and medication. None of which bothered me. We are all imperfect human beings at the end of the day.I felt we were off to a great start by being completely honest to each other. Soon we started video calls which were going fine until.. She kept referring to her husband, their life every once in a while as part of our conversations. I didn't consider it a big deal. Soon it was the in laws in the conversation which I just ignored.Last week I took her out for dinner for the first time. The first hour and a half went great. Both of us were having fun, it was as if I was having a nice dinner in the evening with a friend. We were talking about life in general which somehow triggered something about her marriage. Suddenly she started talking about her husband and the marriage rules she had with him etc.This time it felt weird to me because it almost felt present rather than the past. Soon it jumped to her in laws and how she's in contact with them almost every other day etc. Again.. It felt weird to me, I simply nodded my head. Finally when I was about to pay the bill, her phone popped up and I realised her late husbands photo is the wallpaper. Then it really struck me with the question, is she ready to move on?I can empathise how difficult it must be be for a person to date again after losing their loved one. I can completely understand that her husband is still a part of her life.My question is how do I ask her if she really is mentally ready to move on and date? Similarly how do I get the assurance that her life with late husband remains a past and she is looking to future and is happy to potentially replace or supplement him at some point?I am quite conscious of the struggle she faces and the last thing I want to do is set her mental health back with a blunt question. I do like her but at the same time I don't want to pursue anything further if she has not moved on or her reference point is always going to be her life with him.Thanks for reading a long essay from my throwaway account :)TLDR - How do I ask a woman if she has moved on from her late husband and is actually ready to replace him as part of her life, at some point in the future, without impacting her mental health?