Keeping Nudes/Homemade Porn from Exes

Hi everyone! I need some advice. My boyfriend and I (over 30) have been dating for roughly four months. I’ve realized I love him, although we haven’t said it to one another, and I could see a really great future together. We have a pretty healthy relationship and have been very open with each other from the beginning.

However, there’s been some recent things that have come up and I’d like to ask the people on here what their opinion is before I talk to him about how I feel about this. So here’s what I’d like a little perspective on:

In the beginning of when we were dating, he mentioned taking sex pictures/videos with his last ex that he still had on his computer. I didn’t really think anything of it because we had just met and were in that dating kind of phase.

However, last night, while playing a game with our friends, one of the questions was, do you still have pictures or videos of your ex of a sexual nature and he said yes. He noticed I kind of tensed, and asked if I was mad, but I said, not mad, just hurt, and left it at that as it wasn’t the time to talk about it.

The thing is, it does bother me. It is really hurting me to think that he has these sexual pictures of an ex on his computer, of them having sex, etc. For me, if we are in a relationship, I don’t feel comfortable knowing he can pull these photos or videos up at any time and do as he wants.

However, I also don’t want to force my beliefs about it onto him. While I suspect he wouldn’t want me to have a bunch of old sex tapes of me with my ex going at it on my hard drive, I also know everyone has a right to do as they want. If this is something he really wants to keep, I’ll have to see if it is something I can deal with. I do not keep old sex photos or videos from past relationships. Everyone has relationship history, and I don’t mean pictures from vacations, events, etc, that’s different. I love him and respect him, and don’t want this to be an issue, so I guess I’m looking for perspective.

Is this a normal thing for men, or people, to do? Do you keep your past sex tapes or pictures from old relationships? Or do you delete them once you are in a new relationship?

If you do keep them, why? And, as the new partner, how would you reconcile your feelings about it (other than communicating it to your partner, which I plan to do)? How would you approach your partner?

And I guess last but not least, am I seeing this as a bigger issue than it is? I don’t care about his past girlfriends, hookups, etc, so I’m not sure why sex videos and photos would bother me so much. I just know it does and I want to do the head and heart work to get past it so I can continue having a great relationship with this man.

Submitted August 30, 2020 at 10:37PM

Hi everyone! I need some advice. My boyfriend and I (over 30) have been dating for roughly four months. I’ve realized I love him, although we haven’t said it to one another, and I could see a really great future together. We have a pretty healthy relationship and have been very open with each other from the beginning.However, there’s been some recent things that have come up and I’d like to ask the people on here what their opinion is before I talk to him about how I feel about this. So here’s what I’d like a little perspective on:In the beginning of when we were dating, he mentioned taking sex pictures/videos with his last ex that he still had on his computer. I didn’t really think anything of it because we had just met and were in that dating kind of phase.However, last night, while playing a game with our friends, one of the questions was, do you still have pictures or videos of your ex of a sexual nature and he said yes. He noticed I kind of tensed, and asked if I was mad, but I said, not mad, just hurt, and left it at that as it wasn’t the time to talk about it.The thing is, it does bother me. It is really hurting me to think that he has these sexual pictures of an ex on his computer, of them having sex, etc. For me, if we are in a relationship, I don’t feel comfortable knowing he can pull these photos or videos up at any time and do as he wants.However, I also don’t want to force my beliefs about it onto him. While I suspect he wouldn’t want me to have a bunch of old sex tapes of me with my ex going at it on my hard drive, I also know everyone has a right to do as they want. If this is something he really wants to keep, I’ll have to see if it is something I can deal with. I do not keep old sex photos or videos from past relationships. Everyone has relationship history, and I don’t mean pictures from vacations, events, etc, that’s different. I love him and respect him, and don’t want this to be an issue, so I guess I’m looking for perspective.Is this a normal thing for men, or people, to do? Do you keep your past sex tapes or pictures from old relationships? Or do you delete them once you are in a new relationship?If you do keep them, why? And, as the new partner, how would you reconcile your feelings about it (other than communicating it to your partner, which I plan to do)? How would you approach your partner?And I guess last but not least, am I seeing this as a bigger issue than it is? I don’t care about his past girlfriends, hookups, etc, so I’m not sure why sex videos and photos would bother me so much. I just know it does and I want to do the head and heart work to get past it so I can continue having a great relationship with this man.