Dating a friend's ex ... thoughts?

I'm writing this using the app, sorry in advance.

My friend (32F) and Tom (37M) dated for about six years. They (mutually, I guess, she never really told me what had happened. I do know that there was no cheating or violence.) broke up four years ago. She's now happily married and gave birth a few weeks ago.

Tom and I (31F) didn't really know each other while they were together. We knew OF each other, but the three of us never hung out. A month before my friend gave birth, Tom and I started working on a project together (we are performers for different companies and because of this horrid virus, we had to band together to get work). First, it was all done through emails and chats, we met in person only after about a month and really clicked. Right at that time, my friend had her baby.

Tom and I started casually seeing each other. In a perfect world, I'd tell my friend immediately and ask her if she'd be okay with me dating Tom. But I honestly didn't want to bother the new mother with something that a) could possibly last for a couple of weeks tops or b) could cause her stress (I thought that her recovering from having a baby was a bit more important than my love life).

She found out after a few weeks, because our mutual friends started talking and now she's very upset with me. I don't know what they told her, but you know how blown out of proportion things can get when there are more than two people involved in a conversation chain.

I hate that I'm causing her stress and I also feel like a homewrecker (don't ask me why, they've been very much done for years).

I know I have to talk to her, but I'd also love to know what you think? Is dating a friend's ex really that bad? Did I inexcusably violate the girl code? Is there anything that I can say that will maybe make her see my side as well?

Thank you, fellow 30+ gang!

Submitted August 30, 2020 at 09:53PM

I'm writing this using the app, sorry in advance.My friend (32F) and Tom (37M) dated for about six years. They (mutually, I guess, she never really told me what had happened. I do know that there was no cheating or violence.) broke up four years ago. She's now happily married and gave birth a few weeks ago.Tom and I (31F) didn't really know each other while they were together. We knew OF each other, but the three of us never hung out. A month before my friend gave birth, Tom and I started working on a project together (we are performers for different companies and because of this horrid virus, we had to band together to get work). First, it was all done through emails and chats, we met in person only after about a month and really clicked. Right at that time, my friend had her baby.Tom and I started casually seeing each other. In a perfect world, I'd tell my friend immediately and ask her if she'd be okay with me dating Tom. But I honestly didn't want to bother the new mother with something that a) could possibly last for a couple of weeks tops or b) could cause her stress (I thought that her recovering from having a baby was a bit more important than my love life).She found out after a few weeks, because our mutual friends started talking and now she's very upset with me. I don't know what they told her, but you know how blown out of proportion things can get when there are more than two people involved in a conversation chain.I hate that I'm causing her stress and I also feel like a homewrecker (don't ask me why, they've been very much done for years).I know I have to talk to her, but I'd also love to know what you think? Is dating a friend's ex really that bad? Did I inexcusably violate the girl code? Is there anything that I can say that will maybe make her see my side as well?Thank you, fellow 30+ gang!