Is it a good strategy for me to pretend to fawn over my husband for one year to try to save our marriage? (Sorry so long)

I (F40) have been married to my husband (M48) for 15 years. Together for 17 years. We met when I was 22 and he was 30. I was a college drop out, failed model, who had just completed a stint in rehab. I was chaotic and rudderless but charming and pretty and “a good listener”. I grew up in an evangelical home and but I left the church at 18 successfully sowed my wild oats. On the other hand, my husband had a law degree from a top 10 law school and was stable and responsible and a self described “moral conservative”. He had several long term relationships and he certainly was not a virgin, but planted less wild oats than I did, I guess. My family loved him, and said not to mess it up because usually I had a broken picker. I knew from early on that he and I weren’t a great chemistry match but he felt safe. I was comfortable with him and I loved his intellectualism and maturity. He is rigid and logical, my polar opposite, as I am all emotion and impulse.

After a few months of dating, he snooped on my computer and found some very explicit pictures that an ex-boyfriend took of me. Bear with me, this is relevant. He had already shown signs of jealousy and low self esteem prior to finding the photos, but after it causes some pretty major issues in our relationship. He became incredibly jealous and demanded to know all the details of my sexual history, and would constantly accuse me of lying and would tell me he could never trust me. He also would never allow me to talk about my life from ages 14-22. If I did, he would brood for days. I now know this is called retroactive jealousy. We should have broken up at that point but I got pregnant so we ended up getting married.

At the wedding I realized I was in deep and it was too late to turn back. He complained about the vows, the music, my hair. When I smashed cake in his face (which, truth be told, he told me not to, but as an immature 24 year old I thought it would be cute and funny) he had a temper tantrum in front of everyone and I felt so embarrassed. He acted annoyed with me for the rest of the night. I remember feeling dread, it felt like an ache in my chest. I remember thinking, “is this how it’s going to be for the rest of my life? I will try enjoy the moment and my husband will find a reason to brood?” Spoiler alert: yep.

After we married, his retroactive jealousy seemed to get worse. I felt more and more confined in our marriage and I felt like I was constantly slut shamed for my past. He would make passing comments like “if you ever cheat on me, I wouldn’t get too close to the edge of a cliff” or “if you divorce me you know I’m a lawyer and you have enough issues that I could easily get 100% custody”. I had no ability or motivation to leave at the time, but I knew it wasn’t an ideal situation. I couldn’t stand the idea of not being with my kids everyday.

Throughout our marriage I have ignored the ache in my chest. I try to be grateful. He is a good provider, he’s handsome, and a good dad, and our relationship hasn’t been all conflict and brooding. We’ve had our share of good times. I finished college, we ran a successful business together for 10 years, and we have 2 incredible, talented, good-hearted kids. We’ve gone through some tough stuff together too: Financial problems, health issues, deaths of loved ones. We’ve had some knock down drag out fights (nothing physical) where I was not always the innocent party. We live a nice life, with a nice house in a nice neighborhood.

Due to relationship strain in our joint business venture, my husband went back to the corporate world and I’m now a stay-at-home mom. For most of our marriage, my husband has had no local friends (except me and the kids) or hobbies (except video games). He has taken me on 1 date throughout our entire marriage. He’s been pretty low effort with our romantic relationship and I can’t say I am any better. He still has major trust issues. He has dreams I cheat on him and then gets clingy and sometimes irritable the next day. He has never allowed me to travel with my girlfriends. Just the other night he made me feel guilty for asking to spend the night with my oldest friend (she is single and he said he was uncomfortable with me going because she might invite men to our sleepover —which is not something she would ever do. She’s a successful single woman, not a madame, sheesh).

Anyway, 4 years ago, I gave my husband an ultimatum and said he needed to get over his retroactive jealousy or I was going to leave. At this point we had been married for over a decade, I had been completely faithful and I was flat out sick of being made to feel bad about myself for something I couldn’t change. Throughout our relationship, I have been sexually open for anything with my husband. He liked to push the kink limits, always saying that he wanted to do something to me that another man hadn’t. I am fine being adventurous, but it never feels natural or passionate, just weirdly competitive. It’s weird because he likes that I am adventurous in the bedroom, but it seemed he expected me to be a virgin when we met. He wanted a virgin prostitute.

Ok now, back to the ultimatum. My husband agreed to pretend my past didn’t bother him and wouldn’t bring it up anymore, and to his credit he has mostly followed through. The brooding decreased. The shaming mostly went away. I don’t think it was easy for him but he did it and he said it actually made the jealous feelings go away. So now here we are. The kids are getting older and becoming more independent. In a few years they will be off to college. And when I think about being empty nesters, I still feel this ache in my chest, I know someday it will just be me and my husband and I feel dread. When I imagine my future I am constantly imagining a different life. Me being kinky, and crazy, and passionate, and not competitively trying to erase my past. Smashing cake in someone’s face and not being humiliated. Someone who accepts me and let’s me be exactly who I am. The ache became so big and the fantasizing became so overwhelming that at the beginning of the year I told him that I didn’t want to blindside him but I wanted him to know how I felt and that I was planning an exit when the kids are older. We started seeing a therapist and then Covid happened and my husband started working from home, the kids were home all day, and I just decided to act like everything was normal.

About a week ago my husband mentioned that since I was acting fine he assumed I changed my mind about us. I told him no, but I was just “tabling it” for a while as it’s obviously not good timing. Then he said he had a “business proposition” for me. The proposition: The would like me to pretend to be happy, be affectionate, fawn over him, “act like he is awesome”, and I am super in love with him for 1 year. In exchange he asked me what I wanted. I was kinda sickened by the offer and then he said “what do you want? How about I do the dishes everyday”. Which truth be told was a little appealing since he’s only washed dishes a handful of times throughout our entire marriage.

His reasoning for this “proposition” is because he thinks it will help me love him because when he pretended my past didn’t bother him, his bad feelings for me eventually went away. I told him I would think about it, and have not agreed to anything, but over the last few days he’s started manically doing all the dishes. Finishing dinner early so he can rush in and start the dishes. I think he’s hoping we have a deal. I am having a hard time with the whole proposition. I feel like it is not really a healthy approach, but what do I know. Is “fake it until you make it” a good strategy for marriage?

TL;DR: I told my husband I wanted a divorce when the kids are older, he asked me to pretend to love, adore, and fawn over him in exchange for something that I want in hopes that it will change my mind.

Submitted July 29, 2020 at 11:44PM

I (F40) have been married to my husband (M48) for 15 years. Together for 17 years. We met when I was 22 and he was 30. I was a college drop out, failed model, who had just completed a stint in rehab. I was chaotic and rudderless but charming and pretty and “a good listener”. I grew up in an evangelical home and but I left the church at 18 successfully sowed my wild oats. On the other hand, my husband had a law degree from a top 10 law school and was stable and responsible and a self described “moral conservative”. He had several long term relationships and he certainly was not a virgin, but planted less wild oats than I did, I guess. My family loved him, and said not to mess it up because usually I had a broken picker. I knew from early on that he and I weren’t a great chemistry match but he felt safe. I was comfortable with him and I loved his intellectualism and maturity. He is rigid and logical, my polar opposite, as I am all emotion and impulse.After a few months of dating, he snooped on my computer and found some very explicit pictures that an ex-boyfriend took of me. Bear with me, this is relevant. He had already shown signs of jealousy and low self esteem prior to finding the photos, but after it causes some pretty major issues in our relationship. He became incredibly jealous and demanded to know all the details of my sexual history, and would constantly accuse me of lying and would tell me he could never trust me. He also would never allow me to talk about my life from ages 14-22. If I did, he would brood for days. I now know this is called retroactive jealousy. We should have broken up at that point but I got pregnant so we ended up getting married.At the wedding I realized I was in deep and it was too late to turn back. He complained about the vows, the music, my hair. When I smashed cake in his face (which, truth be told, he told me not to, but as an immature 24 year old I thought it would be cute and funny) he had a temper tantrum in front of everyone and I felt so embarrassed. He acted annoyed with me for the rest of the night. I remember feeling dread, it felt like an ache in my chest. I remember thinking, “is this how it’s going to be for the rest of my life? I will try enjoy the moment and my husband will find a reason to brood?” Spoiler alert: yep.After we married, his retroactive jealousy seemed to get worse. I felt more and more confined in our marriage and I felt like I was constantly slut shamed for my past. He would make passing comments like “if you ever cheat on me, I wouldn’t get too close to the edge of a cliff” or “if you divorce me you know I’m a lawyer and you have enough issues that I could easily get 100% custody”. I had no ability or motivation to leave at the time, but I knew it wasn’t an ideal situation. I couldn’t stand the idea of not being with my kids everyday.Throughout our marriage I have ignored the ache in my chest. I try to be grateful. He is a good provider, he’s handsome, and a good dad, and our relationship hasn’t been all conflict and brooding. We’ve had our share of good times. I finished college, we ran a successful business together for 10 years, and we have 2 incredible, talented, good-hearted kids. We’ve gone through some tough stuff together too: Financial problems, health issues, deaths of loved ones. We’ve had some knock down drag out fights (nothing physical) where I was not always the innocent party. We live a nice life, with a nice house in a nice neighborhood.Due to relationship strain in our joint business venture, my husband went back to the corporate world and I’m now a stay-at-home mom. For most of our marriage, my husband has had no local friends (except me and the kids) or hobbies (except video games). He has taken me on 1 date throughout our entire marriage. He’s been pretty low effort with our romantic relationship and I can’t say I am any better. He still has major trust issues. He has dreams I cheat on him and then gets clingy and sometimes irritable the next day. He has never allowed me to travel with my girlfriends. Just the other night he made me feel guilty for asking to spend the night with my oldest friend (she is single and he said he was uncomfortable with me going because she might invite men to our sleepover —which is not something she would ever do. She’s a successful single woman, not a madame, sheesh).Anyway, 4 years ago, I gave my husband an ultimatum and said he needed to get over his retroactive jealousy or I was going to leave. At this point we had been married for over a decade, I had been completely faithful and I was flat out sick of being made to feel bad about myself for something I couldn’t change. Throughout our relationship, I have been sexually open for anything with my husband. He liked to push the kink limits, always saying that he wanted to do something to me that another man hadn’t. I am fine being adventurous, but it never feels natural or passionate, just weirdly competitive. It’s weird because he likes that I am adventurous in the bedroom, but it seemed he expected me to be a virgin when we met. He wanted a virgin prostitute.Ok now, back to the ultimatum. My husband agreed to pretend my past didn’t bother him and wouldn’t bring it up anymore, and to his credit he has mostly followed through. The brooding decreased. The shaming mostly went away. I don’t think it was easy for him but he did it and he said it actually made the jealous feelings go away. So now here we are. The kids are getting older and becoming more independent. In a few years they will be off to college. And when I think about being empty nesters, I still feel this ache in my chest, I know someday it will just be me and my husband and I feel dread. When I imagine my future I am constantly imagining a different life. Me being kinky, and crazy, and passionate, and not competitively trying to erase my past. Smashing cake in someone’s face and not being humiliated. Someone who accepts me and let’s me be exactly who I am. The ache became so big and the fantasizing became so overwhelming that at the beginning of the year I told him that I didn’t want to blindside him but I wanted him to know how I felt and that I was planning an exit when the kids are older. We started seeing a therapist and then Covid happened and my husband started working from home, the kids were home all day, and I just decided to act like everything was normal.About a week ago my husband mentioned that since I was acting fine he assumed I changed my mind about us. I told him no, but I was just “tabling it” for a while as it’s obviously not good timing. Then he said he had a “business proposition” for me. The proposition: The would like me to pretend to be happy, be affectionate, fawn over him, “act like he is awesome”, and I am super in love with him for 1 year. In exchange he asked me what I wanted. I was kinda sickened by the offer and then he said “what do you want? How about I do the dishes everyday”. Which truth be told was a little appealing since he’s only washed dishes a handful of times throughout our entire marriage.His reasoning for this “proposition” is because he thinks it will help me love him because when he pretended my past didn’t bother him, his bad feelings for me eventually went away. I told him I would think about it, and have not agreed to anything, but over the last few days he’s started manically doing all the dishes. Finishing dinner early so he can rush in and start the dishes. I think he’s hoping we have a deal. I am having a hard time with the whole proposition. I feel like it is not really a healthy approach, but what do I know. Is “fake it until you make it” a good strategy for marriage?TL;DR: I told my husband I wanted a divorce when the kids are older, he asked me to pretend to love, adore, and fawn over him in exchange for something that I want in hopes that it will change my mind.