First relationship with non-NPD partner and... I don't know if I'm good enough?

I'm the newest edition to my girlfriend's polycule--she's been dating one man for 11 years, the other for 5 years. I had an abusive childhood that culminated in murder/suicide and me ending up in foster care (I aged out and was never adopted). I've dated a string of almost exclusively abusive NPD men (mirroring my dad) and much of my adulthood has really just been struggling to survive with zero familial support and a host of mental illnesses and trauma from growing up. I've been in therapy for over a decade and found anti-depressant meds only a year ago that really help. At 27, I'm realizing that I'm probably gay, and this girl is... really, really fuckin' great. So great, in fact, that I'm kinda scared shitless.

Obviously, I know the existing relationships aren't perfect and everyone struggles. But they talk about doing all these really sweet things for each other. She bakes these awesome custom cakes for her partners' birthdays, plans lots of cute events and dates, and her partners have both taken her on really nice vacations abroad and gotten her some really thoughtful gifts... Meanwhile, I haven't even celebrated my birthday in over a decade. Relationships for me to this point have been mostly just been trying to peacefully existing alongside one another until a massive blowup happens, and doing everything in my power to emotionally cater to these partners in order to prevent such blowups. My longest relationship was 3 years, though they typically only last about a year or two.

In short, I'm really scared that maybe I've been so conditioned to fulfill this one "role" as an NPD's codependent that I don't know how to be a good partner in a relatively normal relationship. I wouldn't know where to start planning how to celebrate someone's birthday. Where do I take her on dates? How do I pick out gifts? My energy in past relationships has been so invested in being an emotional caretaker that I feel like I don't know how to do these basic things.

My girlfriend knows I had a rough childhood, but doesn't know the extent of the trauma I've had, and I feel like it's still a bit early to put that on her, so I don't feel comfortable talking about this with her... Not because I don't think she would be supportive (she would try so, so hard), but I don't know that she would really know how to respond. I'm also the kind of person that generally wants to do my own self-work and not really put it on the people in my life, if I can help it.

I've always been internally motivated to become better and overcome what I've been through, and being introduced to a healthy relationship dynamic like this is really revealing yet another area I need to work on. How do I get started? I'm really great at communication and being emotionally present for her, but I want to make sure that I can do the other stuff too...

Submitted April 22, 2020 at 12:05AM

I'm the newest edition to my girlfriend's polycule--she's been dating one man for 11 years, the other for 5 years. I had an abusive childhood that culminated in murder/suicide and me ending up in foster care (I aged out and was never adopted). I've dated a string of almost exclusively abusive NPD men (mirroring my dad) and much of my adulthood has really just been struggling to survive with zero familial support and a host of mental illnesses and trauma from growing up. I've been in therapy for over a decade and found anti-depressant meds only a year ago that really help. At 27, I'm realizing that I'm probably gay, and this girl is... really, really fuckin' great. So great, in fact, that I'm kinda scared shitless.Obviously, I know the existing relationships aren't perfect and everyone struggles. But they talk about doing all these really sweet things for each other. She bakes these awesome custom cakes for her partners' birthdays, plans lots of cute events and dates, and her partners have both taken her on really nice vacations abroad and gotten her some really thoughtful gifts... Meanwhile, I haven't even celebrated my birthday in over a decade. Relationships for me to this point have been mostly just been trying to peacefully existing alongside one another until a massive blowup happens, and doing everything in my power to emotionally cater to these partners in order to prevent such blowups. My longest relationship was 3 years, though they typically only last about a year or two.In short, I'm really scared that maybe I've been so conditioned to fulfill this one "role" as an NPD's codependent that I don't know how to be a good partner in a relatively normal relationship. I wouldn't know where to start planning how to celebrate someone's birthday. Where do I take her on dates? How do I pick out gifts? My energy in past relationships has been so invested in being an emotional caretaker that I feel like I don't know how to do these basic things.My girlfriend knows I had a rough childhood, but doesn't know the extent of the trauma I've had, and I feel like it's still a bit early to put that on her, so I don't feel comfortable talking about this with her... Not because I don't think she would be supportive (she would try so, so hard), but I don't know that she would really know how to respond. I'm also the kind of person that generally wants to do my own self-work and not really put it on the people in my life, if I can help it.I've always been internally motivated to become better and overcome what I've been through, and being introduced to a healthy relationship dynamic like this is really revealing yet another area I need to work on. How do I get started? I'm really great at communication and being emotionally present for her, but I want to make sure that I can do the other stuff too...