White male made an ignorant comment about my race. Do I keep him around?

I [27F] am half Chinese and half Dutch, but grew up most of my life in the UK. I have been seeing a Dutch guy, Luis [32M], for the last two months. He has been in the UK for a long time as well. Recently, he made a rather ignorant, borderline racist, comment.

He was telling me about his frustrations towards a person in his co-working space. He then said to me, “even though she is mixed like you, you two wouldn’t get along at all”.

That comment really stumped me, and I asked him why he needed to bring our races up. He immediately dismissed me and said “That’s not what I meant”, and continued on with the conversation.

I confronted him again and told him that what he said was inappropriate and warranted an apology and discussion. In the end, he understood where I was coming from but still said I was “sensitive to these things” and that he got defensive because he knows that he “isn’t racist at all”, oh, and that he knows what it feels like because he is “vegan and gets ignorant comments too”. This experience really shocked me, because at least his actions towards me have never been prejudiced - he has really treated me like a queen otherwise. But his reasoning and reactions to this incidence have me really disappointed.

It’s not the first time he’s made an ignorant comment. I once told him a story about being stalked by a man and his reply was, “that’s shocking how these things happen to you so often, and you’re not even blonde”. Like what? I brushed that one off.

I always have a hard time processing when a person I thought I could trust says things like this. And again, he has so far been incredible in every other sense. So I want to ask you all, is this something we can continue to discuss and work on, or is this a person with innate prejudices that he hasn’t confronted yet?

I really don’t know how to process this because I know I’ve been ignorant in the past too. How much do I forgive when it comes to these things?

TLDR: Guy I’ve been seeing for two months brought up my race during conversation although it was not necessary. Came across as very ignorant. To keep seeing him or not?



Submitted February 20, 2020 at 11:59PM

I [27F] am half Chinese and half Dutch, but grew up most of my life in the UK. I have been seeing a Dutch guy, Luis [32M], for the last two months. He has been in the UK for a long time as well. Recently, he made a rather ignorant, borderline racist, comment.He was telling me about his frustrations towards a person in his co-working space. He then said to me, “even though she is mixed like you, you two wouldn’t get along at all”.That comment really stumped me, and I asked him why he needed to bring our races up. He immediately dismissed me and said “That’s not what I meant”, and continued on with the conversation.I confronted him again and told him that what he said was inappropriate and warranted an apology and discussion. In the end, he understood where I was coming from but still said I was “sensitive to these things” and that he got defensive because he knows that he “isn’t racist at all”, oh, and that he knows what it feels like because he is “vegan and gets ignorant comments too”. This experience really shocked me, because at least his actions towards me have never been prejudiced - he has really treated me like a queen otherwise. But his reasoning and reactions to this incidence have me really disappointed.It’s not the first time he’s made an ignorant comment. I once told him a story about being stalked by a man and his reply was, “that’s shocking how these things happen to you so often, and you’re not even blonde”. Like what? I brushed that one off.I always have a hard time processing when a person I thought I could trust says things like this. And again, he has so far been incredible in every other sense. So I want to ask you all, is this something we can continue to discuss and work on, or is this a person with innate prejudices that he hasn’t confronted yet?I really don’t know how to process this because I know I’ve been ignorant in the past too. How much do I forgive when it comes to these things?TLDR: Guy I’ve been seeing for two months brought up my race during conversation although it was not necessary. Came across as very ignorant. To keep seeing him or not?
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