was i sexually abused?

hi i don’t know where to post this really so i’m hoping this sub is ok. this is a long read i’m really sorry i just need to get this out of me.

last night this guy from one of my classes came over and i was already hesitant because i wasn’t sure if i like him or not and i didn’t know if we had chemistry- i’m not really one to hook up so i wasn’t really planning/wanting sex, and all day at work and school i was anxious about it. i left work with the mindset that i wasn’t going to have him over/go out but my mom (unintentionally) made me feel bad about being introverted and she said it could be fun and i would never know if i would have a good time if i didn’t have him over so i basically said fuck it, texted him and said he could come over. i did say “we don’t have to go balls to the wall or anything but i can let you see a boobie” so it might be my fault for making him think i wanted everything but i was trying to be lighthearted and fun i don’t know.

so he comes over (it’s like 12am at this point) and my mom goes to her room because she’s drunk and on the phone with her friend and she said she was too drunk to care if we have sex so she was gonna just go away. we end up smoking and i put on the bee movie bc it’s fun and i thought we could have a good time and get to know eachother a bit more, but he was not at all interested. almost immediately he takes initiative and i respond because at first i was down i was like “well maybe i’m into it”! well.... i wasn’t.

pretty soon i fully realize i didn’t want to do this so i just sort of.... go limp? i stop responding to anything he does (kissing, touching, ect) and just lay in my bed. he didn’t seem to notice/care and kept kissing me and took my shirt off, was going up my thigh and into my underwear. i didn’t know what to do so i just closed my eyes and i felt him start to hump me (i’m still laying still) and he starts joking about me falling asleep but doesn’t stop. i remember opening my eyes and seeing his skinny tiny body (he’s much smaller than i am) on top of me and thinking it looks like a skeleton. i closed my eyes again.

this goes on for a while, and i don’t really remember how it stopped, but i do remember saying i needed to go to the bathroom. he says okay and he’s gonna keep going meaning he’s going to sit in my bed and masturbate until i come back. i go to my bathroom and hide for like at least half an hour until my friends create a plan to get us both out of there (i said i needed to pick them up bc car troubles).

i feel disgusting and have been pretty dissociated all day and i ripped my sheets off last night and i had an anxiety attack at work bc i wasn’t working a double and i knew i had to go home.

i don’t know what really happened to me because i didn’t say stop and his dick never went inside of me but i do know that i can’t stop seeing his wiry little body on top of mine and i just feel gross.

Submitted February 09, 2020 at 12:05AM

hi i don’t know where to post this really so i’m hoping this sub is ok. this is a long read i’m really sorry i just need to get this out of me.last night this guy from one of my classes came over and i was already hesitant because i wasn’t sure if i like him or not and i didn’t know if we had chemistry- i’m not really one to hook up so i wasn’t really planning/wanting sex, and all day at work and school i was anxious about it. i left work with the mindset that i wasn’t going to have him over/go out but my mom (unintentionally) made me feel bad about being introverted and she said it could be fun and i would never know if i would have a good time if i didn’t have him over so i basically said fuck it, texted him and said he could come over. i did say “we don’t have to go balls to the wall or anything but i can let you see a boobie” so it might be my fault for making him think i wanted everything but i was trying to be lighthearted and fun i don’t know.so he comes over (it’s like 12am at this point) and my mom goes to her room because she’s drunk and on the phone with her friend and she said she was too drunk to care if we have sex so she was gonna just go away. we end up smoking and i put on the bee movie bc it’s fun and i thought we could have a good time and get to know eachother a bit more, but he was not at all interested. almost immediately he takes initiative and i respond because at first i was down i was like “well maybe i’m into it”! well.... i wasn’t.pretty soon i fully realize i didn’t want to do this so i just sort of.... go limp? i stop responding to anything he does (kissing, touching, ect) and just lay in my bed. he didn’t seem to notice/care and kept kissing me and took my shirt off, was going up my thigh and into my underwear. i didn’t know what to do so i just closed my eyes and i felt him start to hump me (i’m still laying still) and he starts joking about me falling asleep but doesn’t stop. i remember opening my eyes and seeing his skinny tiny body (he’s much smaller than i am) on top of me and thinking it looks like a skeleton. i closed my eyes again.this goes on for a while, and i don’t really remember how it stopped, but i do remember saying i needed to go to the bathroom. he says okay and he’s gonna keep going meaning he’s going to sit in my bed and masturbate until i come back. i go to my bathroom and hide for like at least half an hour until my friends create a plan to get us both out of there (i said i needed to pick them up bc car troubles).i feel disgusting and have been pretty dissociated all day and i ripped my sheets off last night and i had an anxiety attack at work bc i wasn’t working a double and i knew i had to go home.i don’t know what really happened to me because i didn’t say stop and his dick never went inside of me but i do know that i can’t stop seeing his wiry little body on top of mine and i just feel gross.