Boyfriend is depressed, not having sex

My partner (26M) and I (28F) have been together for over 3 years, and have lived together for 2 years.

Our sex life was absolutely amazing (the best I've ever experienced!), but the frequency of sex has decreased dramatically over the last year and it's making me very disconnected and unwanted. Especially since this has happened before with my ex of 5 years (I ended due to the lack of sexual intimacy). I began to resent my ex because I was rejected so often (and other reasons). However, it's different with my current boyfriend because he is such a great person, I'm incredibly attracted to him and respect him very much. He has undeservingly been through a lot over the past couple of years.

He suffered the loss of two very close family members late 2017 and early 2019, and has been dealing with some financial difficulties which has had a negative impact on his mental health. He has gained some weight as a result of comfort eating and working long hours. He also dislikes his job at the moment.

It all started a year ago, when I walked into the living room wearing just lingerie, stockings and heels, sat down, looked at him and started playing with myself. Usually this would send him wild, but he just looked awkward and stared at the TV. We spoke and he said he didn't feel in the mood, felt awkward, and that he just doesn't feel good about himself lately, like weight, etc. Still, he made the effort and we would probably have sex once a week.

Fast forward to December 2020. We hadn't had sex in 3 weeks, so I came onto him. But he didn't want it. We talked and he said he is depressed, overweight and hates his job. He said it had nothing to do with me, but his own issues. He said that he dreads having sex, and feels very stressed about initiating it, or when I initiate it. He just doesn't have a sex drive at the moment. He said that he wants to go to the doctors to see if he has a hormonal imbalance. I said that I would let him work through it with no pressure.

Sex aside, we have a committed, loving and playful relationship. I am very happy with this man, and I genuinely want to be there for him through everything. Now it's been 2 months since we've done anything sexual, and I'm naturally feeling insecure, undesirable, disconnected. It's hard that I'm not able to talk about it. I also can't talk about it with a friend because I feel it's disrespectful. It hurts that I can't help him with his depression. And I wonder if our sex life can ever go back to the way it was (I miss it!). This is out of my control so I feel like Im just waiting and hoping for change. Please can you give me some hope or helpful advice.

Tldr; Partner has become depressed, haven't had sex in 2 months, feeling unwanted, missing the chemistry



Submitted January 27, 2020 at 12:23AM

My partner (26M) and I (28F) have been together for over 3 years, and have lived together for 2 years.Our sex life was absolutely amazing (the best I've ever experienced!), but the frequency of sex has decreased dramatically over the last year and it's making me very disconnected and unwanted. Especially since this has happened before with my ex of 5 years (I ended due to the lack of sexual intimacy). I began to resent my ex because I was rejected so often (and other reasons). However, it's different with my current boyfriend because he is such a great person, I'm incredibly attracted to him and respect him very much. He has undeservingly been through a lot over the past couple of years.He suffered the loss of two very close family members late 2017 and early 2019, and has been dealing with some financial difficulties which has had a negative impact on his mental health. He has gained some weight as a result of comfort eating and working long hours. He also dislikes his job at the moment.It all started a year ago, when I walked into the living room wearing just lingerie, stockings and heels, sat down, looked at him and started playing with myself. Usually this would send him wild, but he just looked awkward and stared at the TV. We spoke and he said he didn't feel in the mood, felt awkward, and that he just doesn't feel good about himself lately, like weight, etc. Still, he made the effort and we would probably have sex once a week.Fast forward to December 2020. We hadn't had sex in 3 weeks, so I came onto him. But he didn't want it. We talked and he said he is depressed, overweight and hates his job. He said it had nothing to do with me, but his own issues. He said that he dreads having sex, and feels very stressed about initiating it, or when I initiate it. He just doesn't have a sex drive at the moment. He said that he wants to go to the doctors to see if he has a hormonal imbalance. I said that I would let him work through it with no pressure.Sex aside, we have a committed, loving and playful relationship. I am very happy with this man, and I genuinely want to be there for him through everything. Now it's been 2 months since we've done anything sexual, and I'm naturally feeling insecure, undesirable, disconnected. It's hard that I'm not able to talk about it. I also can't talk about it with a friend because I feel it's disrespectful. It hurts that I can't help him with his depression. And I wonder if our sex life can ever go back to the way it was (I miss it!). This is out of my control so I feel like Im just waiting and hoping for change. Please can you give me some hope or helpful advice.Tldr; Partner has become depressed, haven't had sex in 2 months, feeling unwanted, missing the chemistry
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