I have a lack of family and friends and have found dating people without these issues have created problems in my past relationships. Wondering how to proceed going forward...

I've have had multiple experiences where I've dated people who have had large extended families who were all really close and/or lots of really close friends and these people over the course of our relationships made me feel less than in one way or another, over and over, be it purposely or inadvertently.

So now on OLD, during the normal course of initial conversations, I ask potential dates about their families. If they speak positively and say they have a big family and great friends, sadly it's giving me flashbacks and making me lose interest.

I feel really bad about this. Like, who the hell begrudges or is turned off by someone being happy and having a semi-normal well adjusted family and friends circle?? That's terrible.

I just know how dating someone like this had made me feel in the past. It's not so much anything they were doing or saying to me intentionally but certain things would inadvertently sting or make me feel sad or self-conscious and I know that's my issue not theirs. I have been in therapy for many years but this is such a deep rooted issue it hasn't helped much.

I think it comes down to them just not being able to understand the gravity and the pain I feel no matter what, even if I do talk to them about it. We all tend to understand and see things through the lenses of our own experiences, so it's hard for people to understand things they themselves have never experienced, it's just so foreign to them.

I just don't want to keep repeating the things that went wrong in my past relationships but it also seems off or wrong to consciously seek out people with similarly strained, difficult or non-existent family relationships and support systems as myself. Plus, although I am upfront about my problems, I bet there are many who are not.

I wish this wasn't what I felt I needed to do now. Somebody try to talk me out of it please. Or is this an ok and rational idea??

Submitted December 26, 2019 at 12:11AM

I've have had multiple experiences where I've dated people who have had large extended families who were all really close and/or lots of really close friends and these people over the course of our relationships made me feel less than in one way or another, over and over, be it purposely or inadvertently.So now on OLD, during the normal course of initial conversations, I ask potential dates about their families. If they speak positively and say they have a big family and great friends, sadly it's giving me flashbacks and making me lose interest.I feel really bad about this. Like, who the hell begrudges or is turned off by someone being happy and having a semi-normal well adjusted family and friends circle?? That's terrible.I just know how dating someone like this had made me feel in the past. It's not so much anything they were doing or saying to me intentionally but certain things would inadvertently sting or make me feel sad or self-conscious and I know that's my issue not theirs. I have been in therapy for many years but this is such a deep rooted issue it hasn't helped much.I think it comes down to them just not being able to understand the gravity and the pain I feel no matter what, even if I do talk to them about it. We all tend to understand and see things through the lenses of our own experiences, so it's hard for people to understand things they themselves have never experienced, it's just so foreign to them.I just don't want to keep repeating the things that went wrong in my past relationships but it also seems off or wrong to consciously seek out people with similarly strained, difficult or non-existent family relationships and support systems as myself. Plus, although I am upfront about my problems, I bet there are many who are not.I wish this wasn't what I felt I needed to do now. Somebody try to talk me out of it please. Or is this an ok and rational idea??