Lost my virginity recently and now I’m wilding out a bit but in a slightly destructive way

Okay so fair warning this might be kind of long, also on mobile so sorry for formatting issues. So I (20F) lost my virginity about two weeks ago to a sweet guy (I’ll refer to him as T, 20M) who had just gotten out of a relationship. I had the understanding that it was just a hookup deal and it might happen again in the future but we never really had a conversation about what was going on. Didn’t even define it as a friends with benefits thing (we hooked up twice btw). He knew I was a virgin and was nice about it, we would chat sometimes over text but it was mostly a carnal thing which I was totally cool with. Anyways, flash forward to this weekend where I got drunk at a party where T and his roommate, H (21M), were as well. Got basically zero attention from T which kind of annoyed me but whatever. I couldn’t find who I’d come with to get back to my apartment and went home with T and H and another guy, A. I ended up fucking A while H watched and then fucked H too. While this isn’t bad in and of itself, my roommate, D, has hooked up with H in the past when they’re drunk. They’re by no means exclusive and they haven’t gotten together in a while but I still feel bad about this aspect. Also T removed me from socials so I have no way of contacting him to apologize. I regret hurting people but I don’t regret what I did. It made me realize that I’m a lot more sexually compatible with H (he’s into light choking, put his finger in my ass, talked dirty, all stuff I’m into) and that I don’t want to pursue anything more than friendship (no benefits) with T. However, I also feel like this behavior is somewhat self destructive and I’m not really sure how to proceed. I have a therapy appointment on Wednesday so I’m hoping that will help. Anyone else experience something like this? What did you do? Was it a form of coping or were you just exploring and having fun? How do you tell the difference?



Submitted October 07, 2019 at 11:49PM

Okay so fair warning this might be kind of long, also on mobile so sorry for formatting issues. So I (20F) lost my virginity about two weeks ago to a sweet guy (I’ll refer to him as T, 20M) who had just gotten out of a relationship. I had the understanding that it was just a hookup deal and it might happen again in the future but we never really had a conversation about what was going on. Didn’t even define it as a friends with benefits thing (we hooked up twice btw). He knew I was a virgin and was nice about it, we would chat sometimes over text but it was mostly a carnal thing which I was totally cool with. Anyways, flash forward to this weekend where I got drunk at a party where T and his roommate, H (21M), were as well. Got basically zero attention from T which kind of annoyed me but whatever. I couldn’t find who I’d come with to get back to my apartment and went home with T and H and another guy, A. I ended up fucking A while H watched and then fucked H too. While this isn’t bad in and of itself, my roommate, D, has hooked up with H in the past when they’re drunk. They’re by no means exclusive and they haven’t gotten together in a while but I still feel bad about this aspect. Also T removed me from socials so I have no way of contacting him to apologize. I regret hurting people but I don’t regret what I did. It made me realize that I’m a lot more sexually compatible with H (he’s into light choking, put his finger in my ass, talked dirty, all stuff I’m into) and that I don’t want to pursue anything more than friendship (no benefits) with T. However, I also feel like this behavior is somewhat self destructive and I’m not really sure how to proceed. I have a therapy appointment on Wednesday so I’m hoping that will help. Anyone else experience something like this? What did you do? Was it a form of coping or were you just exploring and having fun? How do you tell the difference?
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