How should I (21, M, relaxed personality) manage a relationship where my significant other (21, F, perfectionist) has anxiety which is the main cause of our arguments/problems?

TL;DR my girlfriend has anxiety and I don't know how to approach it

My girlfriend (21, F) and I (21, M) have been in a relationship for nearly two years now. She has a lot of anxiety which causes her to have breakdowns in which she gets very upset and tearful. I've tried to be as supportive and helpful as I can and I've never done anything on purpose to upset her, I'm a very chill person and don't like arguments whereas she is a perfectionist and gets quite stressed. The tipping point it often something small like the bed not being perfectly made while we're running late to get ready in the morning to go to university. I understand that with anxiety its not a 'small' problem for her so I do my best to help her - for example: I'll make our breakfast, coffee, wipe the condensation off the windows, hang out her washing and make the bed all while she has a shower, puts make up on and picks an outfit. But despite my good intentions she often gets stressed and then really upset.

She is very difficult to help when she gets upset and will start to lash out at me. There is nothing I can do, if I suggest what she should do she says I make her feel worse. The only thing that seems to help her is taking it out on me and making me do more stuff for her. I don't mind doing more stuff but getting screamed at to do more jobs after I've been helping a lot already is really unpleasant. I've told her this and she says its her condition and she's not going to change so I just have to deal with it, help her more and say that I'm sorry. I honestly feel like I've done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for so I don't want to say I'm sorry which just leads into an argument. I hate arguments but I can't let her treat me like this always so I just stick up for what I've done to help her and try to get out of the argument and be the least mean that I can be.

It's pretty clear that my chill personality isn't always the best match for her perfectionist personality and anxiety but I think I'm really good at caring for her and helping her relax. If anyone has any advice on how to approach these situations please let me know, we do really love each other and I want to figure out a way for us to grow and do better than this.



Submitted October 25, 2019 at 11:43PM

TL;DR my girlfriend has anxiety and I don't know how to approach itMy girlfriend (21, F) and I (21, M) have been in a relationship for nearly two years now. She has a lot of anxiety which causes her to have breakdowns in which she gets very upset and tearful. I've tried to be as supportive and helpful as I can and I've never done anything on purpose to upset her, I'm a very chill person and don't like arguments whereas she is a perfectionist and gets quite stressed. The tipping point it often something small like the bed not being perfectly made while we're running late to get ready in the morning to go to university. I understand that with anxiety its not a 'small' problem for her so I do my best to help her - for example: I'll make our breakfast, coffee, wipe the condensation off the windows, hang out her washing and make the bed all while she has a shower, puts make up on and picks an outfit. But despite my good intentions she often gets stressed and then really upset.She is very difficult to help when she gets upset and will start to lash out at me. There is nothing I can do, if I suggest what she should do she says I make her feel worse. The only thing that seems to help her is taking it out on me and making me do more stuff for her. I don't mind doing more stuff but getting screamed at to do more jobs after I've been helping a lot already is really unpleasant. I've told her this and she says its her condition and she's not going to change so I just have to deal with it, help her more and say that I'm sorry. I honestly feel like I've done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for so I don't want to say I'm sorry which just leads into an argument. I hate arguments but I can't let her treat me like this always so I just stick up for what I've done to help her and try to get out of the argument and be the least mean that I can be.It's pretty clear that my chill personality isn't always the best match for her perfectionist personality and anxiety but I think I'm really good at caring for her and helping her relax. If anyone has any advice on how to approach these situations please let me know, we do really love each other and I want to figure out a way for us to grow and do better than this.
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