My old crush and good friend has been "accidentally flirting" with me, and I've redeveloped feelings for him. How do I get over it without bothering him about it?

I've [21F] always had a hard time having strong feelings for others when it comes to relationships. I often found myself uninterested in the person after a while. But this specific guy[22 M] is someone that i always thought about, even when we weren't on speaking terms. He is an amazing person: smart, kind and very supportive. He was always my favorite person to see, to be with, and a person whose success and happiness means so much to me.

I became close to him during our last semester of school. We spent a lot of time together, whether it was at school, after school or even on skype at home chatting for 3 hours every night. We were great friends, we seemed to make each other laugh, and felt comfortable together. But we were just friends, and he had a girlfriend at the time. I started developing feelings for him, since I spent so much time with him, and his presence always made me so happy. But i never treated him as anything more than a friend since he was already in a relationship. and I respected that and never had any intention to ruin it. I kept my feelings to myself.

Just before the summer came, he broke up with his girlfriend. I was not too sure how he felt about me, even tough it seemed like he did like me as more than a friend. However, I did not want to ask him out just after having gotten out of a one year relationship, I wanted to give him time and freedom. That summer we spent so much time together. We used to lay in the grass and he would hold me in his arms, we would either talk, or just lay there in a comfortable silence looking at the sky. I got along great with his friends and his mother, who actually wanted me to date him (she told me that once when I went over to his place).

But as soon as university started, he became really busy with school, and during the weekend was getting wasted. I was upset about how often he would tell me he had forgotten things I told him because he was drinking too much. Or that he couldn't spend time with me because he had parties to go to. He started acting like he had something to prove to the people around him, he became a douchey frat boy. All he ever wanted to talk about was how wasted he got or the drugs he would take with his new friends, and stopped caring about anything else. We slowly drifted apart, and lost contact only a few months after university started.

I often found myself thinking about him. I was asking mutual friends about him, and trying to get updates on his life, hoping he was doing better and that he was happy and succeeding academically.

Fast forward 2 and a half years later, I reconnected with friends from high school. We started hanging out, and he was often invited to these hang outs as well. He was back to his old self, the one who i had connected so well with. I had never confronted him about anything (my feelings or our falling out). I still felt so drawn to him after all this time, and every time we have a group hang out we seem to spend our time together. We see each other a lot more now, in a group setting and alone. He has a girlfriend, which he barely mentioned to me, and I only found out about through a mutual friend.

Every time we currently hang out, he flirts with me, goes out of his way to do things for me, to teach me new things that hes learned at school.

He tells me that whenever I text him, it makes his whole day better, and its one of the happier moments of his life. Or he compliments the way I look, notices what I'm wearing, touches my hair. I mentioned being nervous about a class once, and he told me that holding my hand would help, and he so he grabbed my hand, and said that locking fingers was the next milestone. He takes his food, and insists on feeding it to me with his hand. He always wants to be paired up when we play sports, and always stands very close to me.

He once said "Why would you think i don't enjoy hanging out with you? You know i dream about you almost every night".

This is very confusing and misleading to me, because he doesn't act like this with any of his other friends, only me. I've been worried that if he continues to treat me this way I'll redevelop feelings for him, especially since it took me so long to get over him after that summer when we lost touch.

I confronted him about it recently, and told him he needs to stop flirting with me, because he is leading me on, while he has a girlfriend and i revealed that I used to have feelings for him, and no longer did but wanted to avoid redeveloping those feelings. He seemed shocked, he said he never intended to flirt, and that it was unconsciously done. He said that his friends commented that he seems to flirt with me, and he denied it. He said that he was doing it unconsciously, wasn't doing it on purpose, and that was his natural way of acting around me.

He also said that he did have feelings for me in the past, but he dismissed them because he had a girlfriend at the time. He seemed upset that he had been hurting me this way. He said that i was one of his favorite people in the world, and all he knew was that he wants to spend time with me, and he doesn't mean to flirt because he has a girlfriend. He was also very angry and sad when we had lost touch apparently, and said that whenever my name was brought up he would get angry during those years. And now knowing that I had feelings for him in the past, also upset him because he never had a chance to explore our relationship further.

Unfortunately, against my greatest emotional efforts, I think that I still have feelings for him, even though I told him I no longer did. It hurts me to see him with someone else, but it also makes me very happy that he is succeeding in life, and knowing that he is happy. I don't want to show him that I'm hurt.

I realize that I've never felt so strongly about someone else in my life, I really want him to have a good life and be happy. I always find myself comparing the guys I date to him, and thinking of him and not them. And so I want to know, how can I get over him without bringing up this subject in front of him again, and knowing that I will probably be seeing him a lot since my friendship is important to him. How do I silently get over someone I admire and like so much? I also dont understand how someone could be accidentally flirting with another person so much?

I really just want to get over this so that he doesn't notice my sadness, which I know would result in sadness of his own.

Submitted September 22, 2019 at 12:07AM

I've [21F] always had a hard time having strong feelings for others when it comes to relationships. I often found myself uninterested in the person after a while. But this specific guy[22 M] is someone that i always thought about, even when we weren't on speaking terms. He is an amazing person: smart, kind and very supportive. He was always my favorite person to see, to be with, and a person whose success and happiness means so much to me.I became close to him during our last semester of school. We spent a lot of time together, whether it was at school, after school or even on skype at home chatting for 3 hours every night. We were great friends, we seemed to make each other laugh, and felt comfortable together. But we were just friends, and he had a girlfriend at the time. I started developing feelings for him, since I spent so much time with him, and his presence always made me so happy. But i never treated him as anything more than a friend since he was already in a relationship. and I respected that and never had any intention to ruin it. I kept my feelings to myself.Just before the summer came, he broke up with his girlfriend. I was not too sure how he felt about me, even tough it seemed like he did like me as more than a friend. However, I did not want to ask him out just after having gotten out of a one year relationship, I wanted to give him time and freedom. That summer we spent so much time together. We used to lay in the grass and he would hold me in his arms, we would either talk, or just lay there in a comfortable silence looking at the sky. I got along great with his friends and his mother, who actually wanted me to date him (she told me that once when I went over to his place).But as soon as university started, he became really busy with school, and during the weekend was getting wasted. I was upset about how often he would tell me he had forgotten things I told him because he was drinking too much. Or that he couldn't spend time with me because he had parties to go to. He started acting like he had something to prove to the people around him, he became a douchey frat boy. All he ever wanted to talk about was how wasted he got or the drugs he would take with his new friends, and stopped caring about anything else. We slowly drifted apart, and lost contact only a few months after university started.I often found myself thinking about him. I was asking mutual friends about him, and trying to get updates on his life, hoping he was doing better and that he was happy and succeeding academically.Fast forward 2 and a half years later, I reconnected with friends from high school. We started hanging out, and he was often invited to these hang outs as well. He was back to his old self, the one who i had connected so well with. I had never confronted him about anything (my feelings or our falling out). I still felt so drawn to him after all this time, and every time we have a group hang out we seem to spend our time together. We see each other a lot more now, in a group setting and alone. He has a girlfriend, which he barely mentioned to me, and I only found out about through a mutual friend.Every time we currently hang out, he flirts with me, goes out of his way to do things for me, to teach me new things that hes learned at school.He tells me that whenever I text him, it makes his whole day better, and its one of the happier moments of his life. Or he compliments the way I look, notices what I'm wearing, touches my hair. I mentioned being nervous about a class once, and he told me that holding my hand would help, and he so he grabbed my hand, and said that locking fingers was the next milestone. He takes his food, and insists on feeding it to me with his hand. He always wants to be paired up when we play sports, and always stands very close to me.He once said "Why would you think i don't enjoy hanging out with you? You know i dream about you almost every night".This is very confusing and misleading to me, because he doesn't act like this with any of his other friends, only me. I've been worried that if he continues to treat me this way I'll redevelop feelings for him, especially since it took me so long to get over him after that summer when we lost touch.I confronted him about it recently, and told him he needs to stop flirting with me, because he is leading me on, while he has a girlfriend and i revealed that I used to have feelings for him, and no longer did but wanted to avoid redeveloping those feelings. He seemed shocked, he said he never intended to flirt, and that it was unconsciously done. He said that his friends commented that he seems to flirt with me, and he denied it. He said that he was doing it unconsciously, wasn't doing it on purpose, and that was his natural way of acting around me.He also said that he did have feelings for me in the past, but he dismissed them because he had a girlfriend at the time. He seemed upset that he had been hurting me this way. He said that i was one of his favorite people in the world, and all he knew was that he wants to spend time with me, and he doesn't mean to flirt because he has a girlfriend. He was also very angry and sad when we had lost touch apparently, and said that whenever my name was brought up he would get angry during those years. And now knowing that I had feelings for him in the past, also upset him because he never had a chance to explore our relationship further.Unfortunately, against my greatest emotional efforts, I think that I still have feelings for him, even though I told him I no longer did. It hurts me to see him with someone else, but it also makes me very happy that he is succeeding in life, and knowing that he is happy. I don't want to show him that I'm hurt.I realize that I've never felt so strongly about someone else in my life, I really want him to have a good life and be happy. I always find myself comparing the guys I date to him, and thinking of him and not them. And so I want to know, how can I get over him without bringing up this subject in front of him again, and knowing that I will probably be seeing him a lot since my friendship is important to him. How do I silently get over someone I admire and like so much? I also dont understand how someone could be accidentally flirting with another person so much?I really just want to get over this so that he doesn't notice my sadness, which I know would result in sadness of his own.