I have come to the realization that my sex life with my ex of five years was not consensual and the relationship was abusive. I'm not sure what to do, who to talk to, or where to go from here

My ex and I broke up last August, and had been together for a bit over five years.

I was pretty torn up over the whole thing despite knowing it was a pretty shitty relationship. I was in therapy for a couple months, but while there really only focused on my own contributions to the failure of our relationship because I figured hey, that's all I can really change going forward right?

And things got better, the whole general healing process, etc etc. I've been seeing someone new since June, and was generally feeling pretty dang good and over the whole thing.

Then towards the end of July, a friend confided in me a story about her ex having sex with her while she was passed out drunk, which, let's call it what it is, was clearly rape. I was shocked and appalled, but then once it sank in, I was like, wait a second.

My ex did the same thing, or similar, to me on three occasions that I know of. I say similar, because in one instance, while yes I was absolutely hammered, I clearly said no numerous times and he just did what he wanted anyway, and I was so tired from drinking I just sort of stopped fighting it.

I remember at the time trying to call it out as not okay, but he was so fucking good at talking his way out of anything. I now realize he was gaslighting me, but at the time, I let it go.

But then I thought back further. From the start, our sex life wasn't great. When he first started kissing me, he'd basically hold my face still while sticking his tongue down my throat. I told him I hated it (well, I tried to be nicer about it, but you get it) and he turned it on me. I just didn't know what I was doing or how to kiss properly and it's my fault.

Well, that translated to our sex life. Over our first couple years together I completely lost all sexual confidence. And with that, my sex drive plummeted.

Which is where I made my second realization, when my sex drive tanked, he started pushing. He would nag me and nag me to sleep with him until I'd cave in just to make it stop and get it over with. I remember laying there after just crying. I remember when the me too movement happened, pausing and thinking "hang on, that's familiar," but somehow never truly acknowledging it. Mentally, my ex had twisted my reality and destroyed my self-esteem. He truly had me convinced he was the best thing I'd ever have, and that I wasn't even deserving of it.

And now, I just feel so fucking stupid. I stayed or years. WE only broke up because he left for someone else, further tanking my self-esteem, and leaving me a broken, unstable mess for months.

And now, the fact that it's taken me SO long to realize all this... I don't know how to tell anyone. I stayed for years with someone who assaulted me, so yeah, I guess I feel a bit ashamed for it.

I can also tell where it's already effecting my new relationship. I was terrified the first time we slept together. I can't initiate even when I want to. I am overwhelmingly embarrassed being on top or in any position I'm in more control, and get intrusive thoughts telling me I'm fucking it all up. I can't stop myself from pulling away from kisses. All this even before coming to the realization of how severely wrong my past relationship was. I just constantly don't feel good enough.

I know, I know, therapy should be my go too. And I'm not opposed, I've done it before, but my schedule is so ridiculously packed the next couple months I have no reasonable way to make time for it. So in the meantime, I've just kept this to myself.

But who better to come out to than the internet, right?

Really just looking for any advice, similar stories, some perspective, I don't know. I'm in a whole prolongated state of "I just don't know."

Submitted September 05, 2019 at 11:40PM

My ex and I broke up last August, and had been together for a bit over five years.I was pretty torn up over the whole thing despite knowing it was a pretty shitty relationship. I was in therapy for a couple months, but while there really only focused on my own contributions to the failure of our relationship because I figured hey, that's all I can really change going forward right?And things got better, the whole general healing process, etc etc. I've been seeing someone new since June, and was generally feeling pretty dang good and over the whole thing.Then towards the end of July, a friend confided in me a story about her ex having sex with her while she was passed out drunk, which, let's call it what it is, was clearly rape. I was shocked and appalled, but then once it sank in, I was like, wait a second.My ex did the same thing, or similar, to me on three occasions that I know of. I say similar, because in one instance, while yes I was absolutely hammered, I clearly said no numerous times and he just did what he wanted anyway, and I was so tired from drinking I just sort of stopped fighting it.I remember at the time trying to call it out as not okay, but he was so fucking good at talking his way out of anything. I now realize he was gaslighting me, but at the time, I let it go.But then I thought back further. From the start, our sex life wasn't great. When he first started kissing me, he'd basically hold my face still while sticking his tongue down my throat. I told him I hated it (well, I tried to be nicer about it, but you get it) and he turned it on me. I just didn't know what I was doing or how to kiss properly and it's my fault.Well, that translated to our sex life. Over our first couple years together I completely lost all sexual confidence. And with that, my sex drive plummeted.Which is where I made my second realization, when my sex drive tanked, he started pushing. He would nag me and nag me to sleep with him until I'd cave in just to make it stop and get it over with. I remember laying there after just crying. I remember when the me too movement happened, pausing and thinking "hang on, that's familiar," but somehow never truly acknowledging it. Mentally, my ex had twisted my reality and destroyed my self-esteem. He truly had me convinced he was the best thing I'd ever have, and that I wasn't even deserving of it.And now, I just feel so fucking stupid. I stayed or years. WE only broke up because he left for someone else, further tanking my self-esteem, and leaving me a broken, unstable mess for months.And now, the fact that it's taken me SO long to realize all this... I don't know how to tell anyone. I stayed for years with someone who assaulted me, so yeah, I guess I feel a bit ashamed for it.I can also tell where it's already effecting my new relationship. I was terrified the first time we slept together. I can't initiate even when I want to. I am overwhelmingly embarrassed being on top or in any position I'm in more control, and get intrusive thoughts telling me I'm fucking it all up. I can't stop myself from pulling away from kisses. All this even before coming to the realization of how severely wrong my past relationship was. I just constantly don't feel good enough.I know, I know, therapy should be my go too. And I'm not opposed, I've done it before, but my schedule is so ridiculously packed the next couple months I have no reasonable way to make time for it. So in the meantime, I've just kept this to myself.But who better to come out to than the internet, right?Really just looking for any advice, similar stories, some perspective, I don't know. I'm in a whole prolongated state of "I just don't know."