I (27F) feel emotionally numb in my relationship with (29M) partner

Throwaway account for reasons.

I am reaching out for insight and new perspectives on my relationship. I have been with my partner for 11 years but married for 3. I ran away from an unsafe home as a 15 year old and lived with his parents (and him) for more than a year until I went to college. We are each others' first and only serious relationship.

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Things started to go way downhill after our wedding. I persistently feel like he isn't connecting with me emotionally or even physically any longer. There are a lot of precipitating factors here, but I will list some of the more significant ones:

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- he came out as bisexual 2 years after we got married. He knew since he was a pre-teen. I am fully supportive and have offered several times to have a discussion on how we can accommodate this. I also feel sad and hurt that he didn't feel comfortable enough to share this earlier.

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-his mom likes to FSU. Since I lived with his family for a period of time, his mom is very hot/cold with me. She will share intimate details about his life plans/work/inner thoughts with me and act surprised when I react with anger or confusion. She told me that he was planning to quit a job before he had even told me, or she will tell me that he's borrowing money from her when I won't even know that he is going through financial difficulties.

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Fast forward to the present. He has accepted a temp position on the other side of the country and we have been living apart for 3 months. For the first 8 days of living apart, he didn't call me. I decided to wait, and it was only after I directly asked him to please speak to me on the phone that he reached out. He also shared that he has been spending lots of time alone with another woman, and shared that she "gives him an adrenaline high" that he "was riding for days after" their time spent together. He can't wait to spend more time with her, and go camping overnight with her and others who will all share tents. When I said that these comments made me uncomfortable, he became upset and told me he wouldn't tell me about his feelings ever again. I bluntly asked if he had intentions of pursuing something with this woman, he said "no" and then shared that he wanted her to make a move on him. Again, he is mad that I wasn't okay with this, and I am mad that I had to pull teeth to learn what he's up to.

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A couple more things that feel like straws on the camel's back: He recently shared that he was considering extending his contract because he's having so much fun living away from home. We had a date planned to skype and he asked if we could cancel because he wanted to play sports instead. When he does talk to me (only through text) he will message me throughout his work day saying things like "today this is happening. I am doing this. So-and-so did this." I recently received the results of a genetic test that were a bit scary for me, and I called him to talk about it but didn't have enough time to explain the results in detail. Later that night, it was almost as if he had forgotten as he went straight back to "someone just did this, work was like this, etc." When I told him I was surprised and hurt he didn't want to hear more about my health stuff, he got defensive and said I "had told him everything," and "fine okay tell me what is happening."

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I've asked to see a marriage counsellor, but unless I arrange everything and walk him into the office, it won't happen. I am being stubborn here but I feel like I would want him to have some part in seeking out someone to help us instead of me taking initiative again. I feel like I am in this perpetual cycle of craving emotional intimacy, being hurt when he doesn't ask about my life or experiences, we have an argument, he tries to talk to me a bit more, slowly goes back to how things were and then I try to reach out again. When I have suggested separation, he gets upset and says that nothing is wrong and if we split up it will have to be my doing. I try to talk about this with my friends but they can't sustain conversations about this for long because they either 1) still see us as this fairytale couple from high school or 2) say they don't know what to say.

I don't know. This is all very complex and I have only captured a bit of what's happening here. It feels good to get it out and any thoughts or validation would be greatly appreciated.

tl;dr: husband and I have been not connecting emotionally for a while, he's living away from home for work and distance is only making things worse.

Submitted August 02, 2019 at 11:58PM

Throwaway account for reasons.I am reaching out for insight and new perspectives on my relationship. I have been with my partner for 11 years but married for 3. I ran away from an unsafe home as a 15 year old and lived with his parents (and him) for more than a year until I went to college. We are each others' first and only serious relationship.​Things started to go way downhill after our wedding. I persistently feel like he isn't connecting with me emotionally or even physically any longer. There are a lot of precipitating factors here, but I will list some of the more significant ones:​- he came out as bisexual 2 years after we got married. He knew since he was a pre-teen. I am fully supportive and have offered several times to have a discussion on how we can accommodate this. I also feel sad and hurt that he didn't feel comfortable enough to share this earlier.​-his mom likes to FSU. Since I lived with his family for a period of time, his mom is very hot/cold with me. She will share intimate details about his life plans/work/inner thoughts with me and act surprised when I react with anger or confusion. She told me that he was planning to quit a job before he had even told me, or she will tell me that he's borrowing money from her when I won't even know that he is going through financial difficulties.​Fast forward to the present. He has accepted a temp position on the other side of the country and we have been living apart for 3 months. For the first 8 days of living apart, he didn't call me. I decided to wait, and it was only after I directly asked him to please speak to me on the phone that he reached out. He also shared that he has been spending lots of time alone with another woman, and shared that she "gives him an adrenaline high" that he "was riding for days after" their time spent together. He can't wait to spend more time with her, and go camping overnight with her and others who will all share tents. When I said that these comments made me uncomfortable, he became upset and told me he wouldn't tell me about his feelings ever again. I bluntly asked if he had intentions of pursuing something with this woman, he said "no" and then shared that he wanted her to make a move on him. Again, he is mad that I wasn't okay with this, and I am mad that I had to pull teeth to learn what he's up to.​A couple more things that feel like straws on the camel's back: He recently shared that he was considering extending his contract because he's having so much fun living away from home. We had a date planned to skype and he asked if we could cancel because he wanted to play sports instead. When he does talk to me (only through text) he will message me throughout his work day saying things like "today this is happening. I am doing this. So-and-so did this." I recently received the results of a genetic test that were a bit scary for me, and I called him to talk about it but didn't have enough time to explain the results in detail. Later that night, it was almost as if he had forgotten as he went straight back to "someone just did this, work was like this, etc." When I told him I was surprised and hurt he didn't want to hear more about my health stuff, he got defensive and said I "had told him everything," and "fine okay tell me what is happening."​I've asked to see a marriage counsellor, but unless I arrange everything and walk him into the office, it won't happen. I am being stubborn here but I feel like I would want him to have some part in seeking out someone to help us instead of me taking initiative again. I feel like I am in this perpetual cycle of craving emotional intimacy, being hurt when he doesn't ask about my life or experiences, we have an argument, he tries to talk to me a bit more, slowly goes back to how things were and then I try to reach out again. When I have suggested separation, he gets upset and says that nothing is wrong and if we split up it will have to be my doing. I try to talk about this with my friends but they can't sustain conversations about this for long because they either 1) still see us as this fairytale couple from high school or 2) say they don't know what to say.I don't know. This is all very complex and I have only captured a bit of what's happening here. It feels good to get it out and any thoughts or validation would be greatly appreciated.tl;dr: husband and I have been not connecting emotionally for a while, he's living away from home for work and distance is only making things worse.