First love vs internet love? Is it possibly to love 2 people at the same time?

Ok so I really struggled to find a title for this mess, because that‘s what it is - a big mess. But I‘ll try to exlpain it as good as I can.

Just a few things before I start: - First love / husband I will refer to as DH (M/24) - internet love i will refer as IL (M/24) - I‘m 23 and female - English is not my first language so sorry in advance

Soo my story begins with in 2012 with 16 year old mee crazyyy falling in love for the very first time. It was crazy and all-consuming. I saw him, looked him in the eyes and just knew in my deepest heart that I will someday marry this boy before even knowing his name or anything who he is.

So in my culture there is no such thing as boyfriend girlfriend, if you are seen out in public together you‘re basically engaged. So we did everything we could to hide our relationship. We had a long-distance relationship after the first 6 months and I would say it became rough after that- because it always was. But thats another thing.

So what had to happened, happened and we were seen together after about a year and a half into this relationship and everything was prepared for us to be engaged. I was THRILLED. NO HIDING ANYMORE. He on the other side not so much. He always said „I‘m not getting engaged at 18“. So, of course I know now, that he was the only rational thinking human out of all of us. But still..

Ok so I‘ll keep this next part short because this was the worst time in my life. He left me. No explanation. No real goodbye. He literally just texted me „I leave you“ and blocked me everywhere. I fell deep into depression, gained 15 kg and cried myself to sleep every night. It was almost to the day 9 months after he left when I went to sleep and realized in the next day that it was the first night without crying myself to absolut dehydration.

So after that I tried to socialize a little because I felt so incredibly lonely. So thats when I „met“ IL. (Late 2014) he lived 700 km away and was an incredible person. Very easy going, very funny. Just someone you love to know. We flirted a bit but I never was ready for more. For me it was crystal clear that I would never be able to love anyone again.

So me and IL fought about something silly and we lost touch for a year or so before I texted him again. It was like no time had passed at all and we started talking about meeting. But I never knew where I am at with him. Was he into me? Would he consider a relationship with me ? I just felt stupid to ask and honestly I kinda waited for him to say something.

Then my mom got sick, and I for the second time in my life lost every ground I had under my feet. I felt soo lost. He was there for me. He made me laugh when all I wanted to do was crying my heart out because I strangely even somehow missed crying after it became such a big part of my life during that black time.

We made plans to meet up when my mom would finish her last chemo. But then something happened what I would have never expected in my life.

DH came back. Just as unexpected as he left he came back. After fucking 4 years. I never forgot about him, but in the last months I catched myself thinking about a life with IL. IL and me had something so good even if we never talked about what we really were but unfortunately he never stood a chance. How could I not accept DH back in my life after crying and praying for years that he would come back to me.

You‘ll hate me for the next part. I texted IL that I was sorry but I just had to explore things with DH because I could never forgive myself if I didn‘t. He was very disappointed but said go ahead. Me and DH moved in together after a month, married after 6 months after getting in touch first after this time. He saw no point in waiting.

So. Yes I‘m happy. I love my husband. I love that we got together and somehow now even appreciate him leaving me because I had 4 years on my own, to get to know myself, to know who I am and who I want to be.

But the thing is I still think about IL A LOT. I wonder if he is okay. If he thinks about me. I wonder what my life could have been if we just had met one time before DH came back. Maybe be wouldn‘t just be that stranger from the internet. Maybe we would have clicked the moment we met. Maybe he was supposed to be my great love.

But these are all just maybes. Another maybe is that maybe nothing would have happened at all. We would have seen each other and just feel like friends.

I know I made a mistake because of exploring things with DH I should have insisted on meeting IL first. Because everything would have been resolved by then. I just couldn‘t turn down DH after praying so long to God that he comes back to me.

So tell me. Is this normal? Is it just reminiscing or is this more? I just don‘t know what to think about it.

TL;DR! I‘m torn between my husband and someone I have never met in real life.

Submitted June 30, 2019 at 12:16AM

Ok so I really struggled to find a title for this mess, because that‘s what it is - a big mess. But I‘ll try to exlpain it as good as I can.Just a few things before I start: - First love / husband I will refer to as DH (M/24) - internet love i will refer as IL (M/24) - I‘m 23 and female - English is not my first language so sorry in advanceSoo my story begins with in 2012 with 16 year old mee crazyyy falling in love for the very first time. It was crazy and all-consuming. I saw him, looked him in the eyes and just knew in my deepest heart that I will someday marry this boy before even knowing his name or anything who he is.So in my culture there is no such thing as boyfriend girlfriend, if you are seen out in public together you‘re basically engaged. So we did everything we could to hide our relationship. We had a long-distance relationship after the first 6 months and I would say it became rough after that- because it always was. But thats another thing.So what had to happened, happened and we were seen together after about a year and a half into this relationship and everything was prepared for us to be engaged. I was THRILLED. NO HIDING ANYMORE. He on the other side not so much. He always said „I‘m not getting engaged at 18“. So, of course I know now, that he was the only rational thinking human out of all of us. But still..Ok so I‘ll keep this next part short because this was the worst time in my life. He left me. No explanation. No real goodbye. He literally just texted me „I leave you“ and blocked me everywhere. I fell deep into depression, gained 15 kg and cried myself to sleep every night. It was almost to the day 9 months after he left when I went to sleep and realized in the next day that it was the first night without crying myself to absolut dehydration.So after that I tried to socialize a little because I felt so incredibly lonely. So thats when I „met“ IL. (Late 2014) he lived 700 km away and was an incredible person. Very easy going, very funny. Just someone you love to know. We flirted a bit but I never was ready for more. For me it was crystal clear that I would never be able to love anyone again.So me and IL fought about something silly and we lost touch for a year or so before I texted him again. It was like no time had passed at all and we started talking about meeting. But I never knew where I am at with him. Was he into me? Would he consider a relationship with me ? I just felt stupid to ask and honestly I kinda waited for him to say something.Then my mom got sick, and I for the second time in my life lost every ground I had under my feet. I felt soo lost. He was there for me. He made me laugh when all I wanted to do was crying my heart out because I strangely even somehow missed crying after it became such a big part of my life during that black time.We made plans to meet up when my mom would finish her last chemo. But then something happened what I would have never expected in my life.DH came back. Just as unexpected as he left he came back. After fucking 4 years. I never forgot about him, but in the last months I catched myself thinking about a life with IL. IL and me had something so good even if we never talked about what we really were but unfortunately he never stood a chance. How could I not accept DH back in my life after crying and praying for years that he would come back to me.You‘ll hate me for the next part. I texted IL that I was sorry but I just had to explore things with DH because I could never forgive myself if I didn‘t. He was very disappointed but said go ahead. Me and DH moved in together after a month, married after 6 months after getting in touch first after this time. He saw no point in waiting.So. Yes I‘m happy. I love my husband. I love that we got together and somehow now even appreciate him leaving me because I had 4 years on my own, to get to know myself, to know who I am and who I want to be.But the thing is I still think about IL A LOT. I wonder if he is okay. If he thinks about me. I wonder what my life could have been if we just had met one time before DH came back. Maybe be wouldn‘t just be that stranger from the internet. Maybe we would have clicked the moment we met. Maybe he was supposed to be my great love.But these are all just maybes. Another maybe is that maybe nothing would have happened at all. We would have seen each other and just feel like friends.I know I made a mistake because of exploring things with DH I should have insisted on meeting IL first. Because everything would have been resolved by then. I just couldn‘t turn down DH after praying so long to God that he comes back to me.So tell me. Is this normal? Is it just reminiscing or is this more? I just don‘t know what to think about it.TL;DR! I‘m torn between my husband and someone I have never met in real life.