How do I stop viewing women with a sexual history as "impure" and "slutty"? I genuinely want to change because I realize my beliefs are harming me.

I've been dating this girl for over a year now. We are both 27 years old. She is quite experienced in sex, having had over a dozen sexual partners (lots of hookups/one night stands). We have a great sex life even though we are currently long distance (she is two flights away but we see each other twice a month). In my life I have only slept with 5 people including her, all of whom I cared for and was attached to in some way.

She is a wonderful person and cares for me a lot. She always bakes Vegan treats and cooks Vegan meals for me even though she isn't a Vegan, and she gives me lots of gifts and love letters to the point where I had to tell her to stop being so generous towards me. Her family treats me like I am part of the family. She is always telling me how wonderful I am and has told me many times that nobody has ever cared for her or shown her love the way that I have.

She lost her virginity when she was 21 to a guy at a party and since then she pretty much always slept with people on the first date (myself included) and tells me that people have usually ghosted her after sleeping with her. She found most of her partners on apps/websites. She has actively sought out various partners to have sex with, oftentimes without looking at getting into a relationship with them. Lots of this sex was unprotected and she used Plan B pills a lot. She has also had a lot of bad relationships and at one point was sexually assaulted by a guy she was making out with at a bar (he touched her against her consent).

The issue that I have is that I grew up in a strict religious household, and I remember my mom constantly shaming women for having sex with multiple people (she apparently only ever slept with my dad, and has shamed him numerous times for having been with other people before her). I also went to church a lot as a child (I don't anymore) and vividly remembered listening to a high schooler at a church camp I went to who basically got on stage and told a story shaming a woman that she worked with for sleeping with numerous men in a casual manner. All of this affected the way that I viewed women, as either "pure" (virgins), or "dirty" (with a sexual past).

I love my girlfriend a lot, but I can't stop thinking about her as "dirty" or "slutty" and unworthy of marriage or of becoming a mother to my children even though I myself have slept with 5 people. I took my last girlfriend's virginity but even then I saw her as being "dirty" because before me she was in a relationship with a guy she gave oral sex to - I was a hypocrite in that case because I had way more experience than her. I've thought about trying to find a woman with 0 past sexual partners to be with but that just seems ridiculous to me seeing as that sort of woman might not be romantically or sexually compatible with me.

I feel awful about thinking this way, but I don't know how to change. I've never shamed any women I was with for their past, but the thoughts I have about them are so painful to me. My first girlfriend ended up cheating on me as well so that probably didn't help either. I do have obsessive compulsive disorder and have suffered from retroactive jealousy in the past (a form of relationship OCD) so that probably contributes to how much I think about this. I understand that I should probably go to therapy again to address this.

Basically I'm just hoping that someone will have advice for me on how to stop thinking this way about women and how I can stop viewing a girl's sexual past as "dirty" or corrupting. Deep down I realize that there is nothing wrong with loving a woman who has been promiscuous as long as she is currently faithful and comitted to you. I also understand that a girl who is good in bed and generally exciting in her day to day life is likely to have a high sex drive as well which is a positive thing for a guy like me.

I am sorry if this post upset anyone, I don't mean to make anyone feel bad about themselves. I am simply looking for advice on how to change the way I think and am open to any suggestions.

TL;DR: Grew up in a religious household and was taught to view women with a rich sexual history as "impure". I rejected religion as a teenager, became sexually active, but the way I was raised has stuck with me. I am looking for help on how to break out of these damaging thoughts so that I can fully enjoy my time with my girlfriend without being so insecure about her sexual past.

Submitted October 13, 2021 at 12:42AM

I've been dating this girl for over a year now. We are both 27 years old. She is quite experienced in sex, having had over a dozen sexual partners (lots of hookups/one night stands). We have a great sex life even though we are currently long distance (she is two flights away but we see each other twice a month). In my life I have only slept with 5 people including her, all of whom I cared for and was attached to in some way.She is a wonderful person and cares for me a lot. She always bakes Vegan treats and cooks Vegan meals for me even though she isn't a Vegan, and she gives me lots of gifts and love letters to the point where I had to tell her to stop being so generous towards me. Her family treats me like I am part of the family. She is always telling me how wonderful I am and has told me many times that nobody has ever cared for her or shown her love the way that I have.She lost her virginity when she was 21 to a guy at a party and since then she pretty much always slept with people on the first date (myself included) and tells me that people have usually ghosted her after sleeping with her. She found most of her partners on apps/websites. She has actively sought out various partners to have sex with, oftentimes without looking at getting into a relationship with them. Lots of this sex was unprotected and she used Plan B pills a lot. She has also had a lot of bad relationships and at one point was sexually assaulted by a guy she was making out with at a bar (he touched her against her consent).The issue that I have is that I grew up in a strict religious household, and I remember my mom constantly shaming women for having sex with multiple people (she apparently only ever slept with my dad, and has shamed him numerous times for having been with other people before her). I also went to church a lot as a child (I don't anymore) and vividly remembered listening to a high schooler at a church camp I went to who basically got on stage and told a story shaming a woman that she worked with for sleeping with numerous men in a casual manner. All of this affected the way that I viewed women, as either "pure" (virgins), or "dirty" (with a sexual past).I love my girlfriend a lot, but I can't stop thinking about her as "dirty" or "slutty" and unworthy of marriage or of becoming a mother to my children even though I myself have slept with 5 people. I took my last girlfriend's virginity but even then I saw her as being "dirty" because before me she was in a relationship with a guy she gave oral sex to - I was a hypocrite in that case because I had way more experience than her. I've thought about trying to find a woman with 0 past sexual partners to be with but that just seems ridiculous to me seeing as that sort of woman might not be romantically or sexually compatible with me.I feel awful about thinking this way, but I don't know how to change. I've never shamed any women I was with for their past, but the thoughts I have about them are so painful to me. My first girlfriend ended up cheating on me as well so that probably didn't help either. I do have obsessive compulsive disorder and have suffered from retroactive jealousy in the past (a form of relationship OCD) so that probably contributes to how much I think about this. I understand that I should probably go to therapy again to address this.Basically I'm just hoping that someone will have advice for me on how to stop thinking this way about women and how I can stop viewing a girl's sexual past as "dirty" or corrupting. Deep down I realize that there is nothing wrong with loving a woman who has been promiscuous as long as she is currently faithful and comitted to you. I also understand that a girl who is good in bed and generally exciting in her day to day life is likely to have a high sex drive as well which is a positive thing for a guy like me.I am sorry if this post upset anyone, I don't mean to make anyone feel bad about themselves. I am simply looking for advice on how to change the way I think and am open to any suggestions.TL;DR: Grew up in a religious household and was taught to view women with a rich sexual history as "impure". I rejected religion as a teenager, became sexually active, but the way I was raised has stuck with me. I am looking for help on how to break out of these damaging thoughts so that I can fully enjoy my time with my girlfriend without being so insecure about her sexual past.