Really Complicated Situation with fantasy's

Hey family. So warning this is a very complicated thread that I have been going through for the past few years. This is no way a troll and is very real, asking for no judgement and only out in your input if you believe it could be beneficial for me.

So I am a straight male, 22. I have two fetishes, Mermaids and Belly Buttons. It originated when I was little and watched The Little Mermaid it developed a fetish for both. Anyway it's gotten to the point where I have these fantasy's where I am a mermaid and I seduce and lure very old men and am very vulnerable. (again I am a male identify as one and is straight) I used to go on craigslist personals and made posts about meeting up with a old man to make this fantasy into a reality and filled a long description of what I was looking for. I had endless chats with a few men via email about meeting up to fulfil this mermaid fantasy of mine (even had them offer to buy me a swimmable mermaid tail) never have I felt so desired. Anyway eventually before actually meeting up with them, fear kicked in and I blocked them thus I dodged a bullet of shame, regret and guilt. I think it was God (the creator, intuition, higher power whatever you call it) connecting me to my senses. Anyway after that I realized it was only meant to stay as a fantasy so I would go on gay chatrooms for hours until I found an old man who was interested in talking. I would make a crop top out of shirts I had and would wear it trying to lure and seduce them. Old men would say that they like my belly button and would want to poke it while I flirted with them, I was never wanting to reveal my private parts thus only interested in them wanting my belly button which ended up most of the time in them eventually disconnecting from the chat. Every time I would get off these chatrooms I would instantly feel regret/shame and promise myself to never engage in that situation again. But every time I lied to myself and would end up back on those sites, wasting hours of my life trying to match with old men. In reality I find this fantasy disgusting and not part of who I am. If I'm not on those sites then I masturbate while poking my belly button pretending an old man is poking it and has me trapped while I'm a female mermaid. I think it's a mix of feeling helpless having a tail (not being very mobile), being revealing and slutty by showing my belly button, being a female and having an old man desire me that turns me on. But every single time after I'm finished I instantly have regret and promise myself to change, I even pray to God that he gets rid of these thoughts from my mind, soul and spirit but I end up lying to myself each time and I'm afraid it won't go away. (I'm a spiritual person, I don't go by a religion) In reality I'm not gay and I find no interest in men at all but this fantasy is like a switch in my personality that takes control of me. It's gotten to the point where my d!ck has been in pain for months for trying to force masturbation in my life every single day multiple times a day. I used to only jack off to people in mermaid tails/cartoon mermaids. I still get turned on by them but it might be out of desperation why I projected it onto myself. In conclusion I'm honestly looking for advice and how to get rid of these feelings and if it's wrong or not because I know it's not me and it's something I'm definitely not proud of. I'm the only person in the universe who knows about this dark secret of mine. t's not something I would feel comfortable talking about in person so that's why I made this post. To connect with others who might have some sort of input on this and tips for me to finally be happy. The rush always screws me over. I hope that one day I find a nice girl who I can date (havn't had a serious relationship yet only dated) and maybe it will go away? Should I force myself to be more masculine? Thank you for understanding this quite complicated situation if you do. I just want to live life as me without having to be ashamed of this personality thing.

Submitted August 22, 2021 at 11:32PM

Hey family. So warning this is a very complicated thread that I have been going through for the past few years. This is no way a troll and is very real, asking for no judgement and only out in your input if you believe it could be beneficial for me.So I am a straight male, 22. I have two fetishes, Mermaids and Belly Buttons. It originated when I was little and watched The Little Mermaid it developed a fetish for both. Anyway it's gotten to the point where I have these fantasy's where I am a mermaid and I seduce and lure very old men and am very vulnerable. (again I am a male identify as one and is straight) I used to go on craigslist personals and made posts about meeting up with a old man to make this fantasy into a reality and filled a long description of what I was looking for. I had endless chats with a few men via email about meeting up to fulfil this mermaid fantasy of mine (even had them offer to buy me a swimmable mermaid tail) never have I felt so desired. Anyway eventually before actually meeting up with them, fear kicked in and I blocked them thus I dodged a bullet of shame, regret and guilt. I think it was God (the creator, intuition, higher power whatever you call it) connecting me to my senses. Anyway after that I realized it was only meant to stay as a fantasy so I would go on gay chatrooms for hours until I found an old man who was interested in talking. I would make a crop top out of shirts I had and would wear it trying to lure and seduce them. Old men would say that they like my belly button and would want to poke it while I flirted with them, I was never wanting to reveal my private parts thus only interested in them wanting my belly button which ended up most of the time in them eventually disconnecting from the chat. Every time I would get off these chatrooms I would instantly feel regret/shame and promise myself to never engage in that situation again. But every time I lied to myself and would end up back on those sites, wasting hours of my life trying to match with old men. In reality I find this fantasy disgusting and not part of who I am. If I'm not on those sites then I masturbate while poking my belly button pretending an old man is poking it and has me trapped while I'm a female mermaid. I think it's a mix of feeling helpless having a tail (not being very mobile), being revealing and slutty by showing my belly button, being a female and having an old man desire me that turns me on. But every single time after I'm finished I instantly have regret and promise myself to change, I even pray to God that he gets rid of these thoughts from my mind, soul and spirit but I end up lying to myself each time and I'm afraid it won't go away. (I'm a spiritual person, I don't go by a religion) In reality I'm not gay and I find no interest in men at all but this fantasy is like a switch in my personality that takes control of me. It's gotten to the point where my d!ck has been in pain for months for trying to force masturbation in my life every single day multiple times a day. I used to only jack off to people in mermaid tails/cartoon mermaids. I still get turned on by them but it might be out of desperation why I projected it onto myself. In conclusion I'm honestly looking for advice and how to get rid of these feelings and if it's wrong or not because I know it's not me and it's something I'm definitely not proud of. I'm the only person in the universe who knows about this dark secret of mine. t's not something I would feel comfortable talking about in person so that's why I made this post. To connect with others who might have some sort of input on this and tips for me to finally be happy. The rush always screws me over. I hope that one day I find a nice girl who I can date (havn't had a serious relationship yet only dated) and maybe it will go away? Should I force myself to be more masculine? Thank you for understanding this quite complicated situation if you do. I just want to live life as me without having to be ashamed of this personality thing.