I really am not feeling good about this

I am 33 now. I’m a doctor now. Man do I not feel good about this stuff. I started medical school when I was 29. The school I was at was kind of toxic af apparently in hindsight. Everyone was always encouraging everyone to get over their “imposter syndrome” and join the beautiful people that knew they were on top of the world in every way imaginable. But the reality was some people were popular and some were not. Some were attractive and some were not. Just like everything.

I stuck out like a sore thumb. But I tried to make it work. Did my best to be friendly to everyone. I ended up in a little group of kinda fratty guys somehow. But it originally felt like we had a pretty good sense of camaraderie around each other. It seemed okay. And we helped keep each other motivated, we were all consistently getting some of the best scores on a lot of the tests. But I never really fit in completely. At a certain point they stopped inviting me to things and it seemed more and more like when I was around them I had no idea what they were talking about. They would only talk about stuff I wasn’t invited to anymore when I was around and they did it in a way that purposefully excluded me. Over and over and over again. Well, whatever I thought. The whole world doesn’t revolve around me. If they don’t want to involve me in their worlds, they don’t have to. But they kept including me in their groups for school related stuff. Still talked to me like I was part of the gang. Even though I wasn’t.

The reality was I was completely alone during medical school. I made an effort to be friendly to people, and apparently developed a reputation as a really friendly person. Or so I was told. But besides that I was invisible. When I talked to people about myself, it generally went really well. People generally let off that they thought I was a really interesting person. One girl told me I was a “hidden gem” once. But no one invited me to anything. No one actually wanted to be around me. I assumed I was just too old and people had a hard time seeing me as someone they could hang out with for that reason.

And then it got worse. I was completely isolated and studying by myself every second I was awake for months. At a certain point I grew completely fixated on the fact that no one had ever fallen in love with me before. I hadn’t even cuddled with someone before. I had previously gotten over that but it was all I could think about now. Why was I that unwanted? That seemed outrageously abnormal. And it hurt. Badly. I turned into a complete mess. And occasionally I would run into my “friends” and they would talk about all the fun they were having in a way that I didn’t understand. But stuff was starting to seem off.

I started watching gay porn and eventually realized I was starting to respond to it. Maybe I could go gay.

Eventually, long story short, I spiraled out of control and completely fell apart. I grew extremely suicidal and was hospitalized for 2 weeks. Got out of the hospital still wacky, took my first board exam, and passed it somehow. Then I worked my way through the final clinical 2 years. I was able to distance myself from a lot of people that were having a bad effect on me and stuff got better.

I had a fwb for about a week that I wasn’t really attracted to. She just wanted to fuck an old virgin for the most part. Apparently that was a box she wanted to check off. But I guess it worked out. Idk. I didn’t really enjoy it. She soon cut me off. The dating apps were a real blow to my self esteem. I went about a year and started swiping guys on Tinder. I hooked up with one. Wasn’t a great experience either. After a while I finally matched a girl that wanted to meet. She just wanted a quick hookup though. When I arrived I realized she didn’t look anything like her pics. She probably weighed about 100lbs more than me and I was more than a foot taller than her. And she didn’t bathe or brush her teeth that day. She lived in a Motel 6, the place had trash everywhere, and her mood made me look like I had everything pulled together perfectly. All she talked about was how depressed she was. One time she lashed out at me, and said, “I don’t think you like me.” I had been trying to be nice. But it was admittedly awkward af. I stayed the night and we fucked. When I told her how inexperienced I was she told me she hadn’t had sex for a month. Then she bragged that was a long time for her.

Eventually I left. That was one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life. Haven’t hooked up with anyone since then and maybe I won’t ever again.

But I got through med school and eventually found out that my little “friend” group was literally hosting orgies that all the beautiful people in my class went to. Lots of people several times apparently. While I was experiencing this.

So that’s just the last several years of my life. And there’s much more. I’ll save you the book. But there’s very little reason for me to feel optimistic at all after my experiences. Everything screams that I’m just not really something anyone is interested in. I’m more like the joke that everyone is laughing at

Submitted July 25, 2021 at 11:56PM

I am 33 now. I’m a doctor now. Man do I not feel good about this stuff. I started medical school when I was 29. The school I was at was kind of toxic af apparently in hindsight. Everyone was always encouraging everyone to get over their “imposter syndrome” and join the beautiful people that knew they were on top of the world in every way imaginable. But the reality was some people were popular and some were not. Some were attractive and some were not. Just like everything.I stuck out like a sore thumb. But I tried to make it work. Did my best to be friendly to everyone. I ended up in a little group of kinda fratty guys somehow. But it originally felt like we had a pretty good sense of camaraderie around each other. It seemed okay. And we helped keep each other motivated, we were all consistently getting some of the best scores on a lot of the tests. But I never really fit in completely. At a certain point they stopped inviting me to things and it seemed more and more like when I was around them I had no idea what they were talking about. They would only talk about stuff I wasn’t invited to anymore when I was around and they did it in a way that purposefully excluded me. Over and over and over again. Well, whatever I thought. The whole world doesn’t revolve around me. If they don’t want to involve me in their worlds, they don’t have to. But they kept including me in their groups for school related stuff. Still talked to me like I was part of the gang. Even though I wasn’t.The reality was I was completely alone during medical school. I made an effort to be friendly to people, and apparently developed a reputation as a really friendly person. Or so I was told. But besides that I was invisible. When I talked to people about myself, it generally went really well. People generally let off that they thought I was a really interesting person. One girl told me I was a “hidden gem” once. But no one invited me to anything. No one actually wanted to be around me. I assumed I was just too old and people had a hard time seeing me as someone they could hang out with for that reason.And then it got worse. I was completely isolated and studying by myself every second I was awake for months. At a certain point I grew completely fixated on the fact that no one had ever fallen in love with me before. I hadn’t even cuddled with someone before. I had previously gotten over that but it was all I could think about now. Why was I that unwanted? That seemed outrageously abnormal. And it hurt. Badly. I turned into a complete mess. And occasionally I would run into my “friends” and they would talk about all the fun they were having in a way that I didn’t understand. But stuff was starting to seem off.I started watching gay porn and eventually realized I was starting to respond to it. Maybe I could go gay.Eventually, long story short, I spiraled out of control and completely fell apart. I grew extremely suicidal and was hospitalized for 2 weeks. Got out of the hospital still wacky, took my first board exam, and passed it somehow. Then I worked my way through the final clinical 2 years. I was able to distance myself from a lot of people that were having a bad effect on me and stuff got better.I had a fwb for about a week that I wasn’t really attracted to. She just wanted to fuck an old virgin for the most part. Apparently that was a box she wanted to check off. But I guess it worked out. Idk. I didn’t really enjoy it. She soon cut me off. The dating apps were a real blow to my self esteem. I went about a year and started swiping guys on Tinder. I hooked up with one. Wasn’t a great experience either. After a while I finally matched a girl that wanted to meet. She just wanted a quick hookup though. When I arrived I realized she didn’t look anything like her pics. She probably weighed about 100lbs more than me and I was more than a foot taller than her. And she didn’t bathe or brush her teeth that day. She lived in a Motel 6, the place had trash everywhere, and her mood made me look like I had everything pulled together perfectly. All she talked about was how depressed she was. One time she lashed out at me, and said, “I don’t think you like me.” I had been trying to be nice. But it was admittedly awkward af. I stayed the night and we fucked. When I told her how inexperienced I was she told me she hadn’t had sex for a month. Then she bragged that was a long time for her.Eventually I left. That was one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life. Haven’t hooked up with anyone since then and maybe I won’t ever again.But I got through med school and eventually found out that my little “friend” group was literally hosting orgies that all the beautiful people in my class went to. Lots of people several times apparently. While I was experiencing this.So that’s just the last several years of my life. And there’s much more. I’ll save you the book. But there’s very little reason for me to feel optimistic at all after my experiences. Everything screams that I’m just not really something anyone is interested in. I’m more like the joke that everyone is laughing at