I think I’ve lost my best friend

I apologize for the long story, I’ll try my best to keep it brief.

I (25F) met my best friend ‘Scott’ (25M) in school 7 years ago. He and his girlfriend ‘Lucy’ had been dating since they were 14, and I got pretty close to her as well over the years. Scott and I became almost inseparable, but there was never anything other than platonic friendship between us. Neither Lucy nor either of the guys I dated over the course of our friendship ever had an issue with us hanging out, because there was truly never any romantic intention on either side. For the last 5 years, Scott and Lucy have been living together, and got engaged last year.

About 8 months ago, Lucy broke up with Scott out of the blue, saying that she felt like she had made a mistake getting into a relationship so young, and said she needed some time to be on her own and date other people. Scott was beyond devastated. I was the first person he told when they broke up, and I checked in on him every day for over a month, and made sure to hang out with him at least a couple times a week so that he wouldn’t feel alone.

After a month or so he started acting more like himself, and even started talking about dating again. I was thrilled to see him happy again, until I noticed him starting to act differently toward me. He started finding excuses to hug me multiple times whenever I saw him. He started complimenting my looks, talking about what a great catch I was, and ‘joking’ that if we were both single in 10 years we should get married. I didn’t know if he was actually developing feelings toward me or if it was just good old-fashioned transference, since I was there for him during his break up, but he basically started treating me like I was his girlfriend.

While Scott is a great guy and I love him dearly, I have absolutely no romantic interest in him. I still feel the same way about him now as I did when he was dating Lucy, it’s only his feelings that have changed. Every time he flirted with me I tried to redirect him, suggesting that I help him set up a dating profile, or that I could introduce him to one of my friends, but he didn’t seem to get the hint. I even started telling him about a guy at work I was interested in to try to signal to him that I wasn’t interested in dating him, but nothing worked and he eventually asked me out.

I tried to let him down very gently, explaining that I don’t want to risk losing him as a friend, and that he’s very important to me. I told him I understood if he needed some time to process, but he assured me we were cool.

For the next few months, every time I reached out to ask him to hang out he found some excuse as to why he couldn’t. I stopped asking, figuring that he needed some time apart. Eventually he reached out to me and we started talking a bit, and he told me he was seeing a new girl. I was really happy for him, and hoped that would ease the awkwardness between us, but for another few months he still found excuses not to see me. Finally a couple weeks ago he agreed to meet me for dinner so I could meet his new girlfriend ‘Candace’. She was lovely, we had a nice time, and I felt like maybe things were back to normal. I texted Scott later that night to tell him how much I liked Candace and he didn’t reply. I texted about something else a few days later and got a one-sentence answer, and then he stopped replying. I understand being distracted with a new relationship, but we used to talk every day and now I’ve seen him once in 6 months.

I’ve been on the other side of this, and been interested in a friend who didn’t feel the same way, so I know how much it can hurt. The difference is that I valued that friendship enough that I didn’t let it get ruined, and I’m still very good friends with that guy. I’m at a loss here and don’t know what to do. He always used to joke that I’m ‘stuck with him’ for life, so it hurts to think that he’s changed his mind because I wasn’t romantically interested in him. Does anyone who has been in this situation have any advice? Should I accept that our friendship may be over?

TLDR; my best friend got out of a long-term relationship and asked me out. I said no as nicely as possible and tried to maintain the friendship, but 6 months later he’s still barely talking to me. Is our friendship over?

Submitted August 17, 2020 at 12:15AM

I apologize for the long story, I’ll try my best to keep it brief.I (25F) met my best friend ‘Scott’ (25M) in school 7 years ago. He and his girlfriend ‘Lucy’ had been dating since they were 14, and I got pretty close to her as well over the years. Scott and I became almost inseparable, but there was never anything other than platonic friendship between us. Neither Lucy nor either of the guys I dated over the course of our friendship ever had an issue with us hanging out, because there was truly never any romantic intention on either side. For the last 5 years, Scott and Lucy have been living together, and got engaged last year.About 8 months ago, Lucy broke up with Scott out of the blue, saying that she felt like she had made a mistake getting into a relationship so young, and said she needed some time to be on her own and date other people. Scott was beyond devastated. I was the first person he told when they broke up, and I checked in on him every day for over a month, and made sure to hang out with him at least a couple times a week so that he wouldn’t feel alone.After a month or so he started acting more like himself, and even started talking about dating again. I was thrilled to see him happy again, until I noticed him starting to act differently toward me. He started finding excuses to hug me multiple times whenever I saw him. He started complimenting my looks, talking about what a great catch I was, and ‘joking’ that if we were both single in 10 years we should get married. I didn’t know if he was actually developing feelings toward me or if it was just good old-fashioned transference, since I was there for him during his break up, but he basically started treating me like I was his girlfriend.While Scott is a great guy and I love him dearly, I have absolutely no romantic interest in him. I still feel the same way about him now as I did when he was dating Lucy, it’s only his feelings that have changed. Every time he flirted with me I tried to redirect him, suggesting that I help him set up a dating profile, or that I could introduce him to one of my friends, but he didn’t seem to get the hint. I even started telling him about a guy at work I was interested in to try to signal to him that I wasn’t interested in dating him, but nothing worked and he eventually asked me out.I tried to let him down very gently, explaining that I don’t want to risk losing him as a friend, and that he’s very important to me. I told him I understood if he needed some time to process, but he assured me we were cool.For the next few months, every time I reached out to ask him to hang out he found some excuse as to why he couldn’t. I stopped asking, figuring that he needed some time apart. Eventually he reached out to me and we started talking a bit, and he told me he was seeing a new girl. I was really happy for him, and hoped that would ease the awkwardness between us, but for another few months he still found excuses not to see me. Finally a couple weeks ago he agreed to meet me for dinner so I could meet his new girlfriend ‘Candace’. She was lovely, we had a nice time, and I felt like maybe things were back to normal. I texted Scott later that night to tell him how much I liked Candace and he didn’t reply. I texted about something else a few days later and got a one-sentence answer, and then he stopped replying. I understand being distracted with a new relationship, but we used to talk every day and now I’ve seen him once in 6 months.I’ve been on the other side of this, and been interested in a friend who didn’t feel the same way, so I know how much it can hurt. The difference is that I valued that friendship enough that I didn’t let it get ruined, and I’m still very good friends with that guy. I’m at a loss here and don’t know what to do. He always used to joke that I’m ‘stuck with him’ for life, so it hurts to think that he’s changed his mind because I wasn’t romantically interested in him. Does anyone who has been in this situation have any advice? Should I accept that our friendship may be over?TLDR; my best friend got out of a long-term relationship and asked me out. I said no as nicely as possible and tried to maintain the friendship, but 6 months later he’s still barely talking to me. Is our friendship over?