Would you continue a relationship with a Dismissive Avoidant if you had a history of narcissistic abuse from others and are Anxiously attached?

4 months in with 1 break up by me only to get back together (I mistakenly initiated it because I felt guilty and all I remembered were his good traits) and now it’s worse of course. We never fought, good break up, but I felt responsible. Now I feel even more stuck because I wanted to get back together but it’s awful! He’s 63. I’ve never been happy with him but we care for each other. He’s a good person. Red flags were waving tho and I suspected I was with a Narcissist. But he’s not evil like the others so it was confusing. I’m beating myself up trying to figure out why I feel so sad and rejected and obsessing over him. He recently sent me an article about “Dismissive Avoidant” attachment style and asked if this was what I was trying to tell him because he couldn’t understand why I was hurting so much. I’ve had PTSD from prior narcissistic abuse. When I read the Dismissive Avoidant attachment (can be different than a Narcissist) I was literally crying, yes it’s exactly how I felt caring about him who was more like a ghost, there’s an emptiness an avoidance of intimacy. He is trying to tell me now we can fix this somehow. Can we? He has done nothing directly bad to me except recently he did get upset I needed to “talk about my feelings” so much. I felt he was gaslighting me saying my unhappiness was all within me, and was being passive aggressive. It’s a very familiar pattern, same type men who are terrified of intimacy and reject me then pull me in with breadcrumbs then the cycle goes and I end up damaged and waste years of my life. Do I want to put energy into trying to heal this with him? Does that make sense? Finding love later in life is challenging! They call what I’m experiencing the “anxious-avoidant trap” cause once you’re in it, it’s so hard to get out! Ug!

Submitted May 03, 2020 at 12:00AM

4 months in with 1 break up by me only to get back together (I mistakenly initiated it because I felt guilty and all I remembered were his good traits) and now it’s worse of course. We never fought, good break up, but I felt responsible. Now I feel even more stuck because I wanted to get back together but it’s awful! He’s 63. I’ve never been happy with him but we care for each other. He’s a good person. Red flags were waving tho and I suspected I was with a Narcissist. But he’s not evil like the others so it was confusing. I’m beating myself up trying to figure out why I feel so sad and rejected and obsessing over him. He recently sent me an article about “Dismissive Avoidant” attachment style and asked if this was what I was trying to tell him because he couldn’t understand why I was hurting so much. I’ve had PTSD from prior narcissistic abuse. When I read the Dismissive Avoidant attachment (can be different than a Narcissist) I was literally crying, yes it’s exactly how I felt caring about him who was more like a ghost, there’s an emptiness an avoidance of intimacy. He is trying to tell me now we can fix this somehow. Can we? He has done nothing directly bad to me except recently he did get upset I needed to “talk about my feelings” so much. I felt he was gaslighting me saying my unhappiness was all within me, and was being passive aggressive. It’s a very familiar pattern, same type men who are terrified of intimacy and reject me then pull me in with breadcrumbs then the cycle goes and I end up damaged and waste years of my life. Do I want to put energy into trying to heal this with him? Does that make sense? Finding love later in life is challenging! They call what I’m experiencing the “anxious-avoidant trap” cause once you’re in it, it’s so hard to get out! Ug!